into-the-cyberscape and it's significance
it feels soooooo fucking weird to have this album out, and a little euphoric. in a way, this album is kind of a peak into my life over the span of the last 6 months, or at the bare minimum, some major events from that section of time. rather than give my sappy speech about how much this means to me and how much time was put in by all the artists, i'd rather talk about the tracks themselves and their significance, just to really put it into perspective.
from the top:
monochrome-buzz: not only is this the first song of the album, but it’s also the first song made for the album. after having finished “i died last december”, i had reached a point of stability where i wasn’t really better but i was at least calm enough to work on music again. i had been working on a bunch of tracks but couldn’t really find any inspiration for anything. it wasn’t until i got prescribed my estrogen (finally being able to switch from shots to pills) that i had something that made me feel joyful and inspired. the reason it’s titled monochrome-buzz is because of the sound the lights in the pharmacy made when i went in to get my prescription.
blunt.force.trauma: this song is probably one of the hardest songs (that i have released) thus far. this was a vent track to get out my frustrations and anger with the genocide of trans people here in the u.s. there’s more songs on this album about this, this is specifically on the anger it makes me feel.
midnight-high: made this while, you guessed it, high at midnight. i didn’t really have any particular inspiration or emotional attachment to this song, i just wanted a song that’s a bit fast paced and the type of song you can enjoy while driving late at night.
post-traumatic-suicide: as the title suggests, i made this track at a time that i was suffering through some of the worst ptsd of my life. specifically, i was struggling with ptsd involving my previous ex, their abuse and how horrifically it affected me at a time where i was the most vulnerable i had ever been. i spent two days with grotesque, vivid nightmares of what all happened, and i spent those two days making this song. it’s repetitive and ugly, but it has a lot of significance to me and that’s why i chose to include it.
shining-emerald-eyes: i was more so inspired to make this song because of an outpouring of love i received from multiple people. just gave me hope for the future, and since this is the track i made right after post-traumatic-suicide, it’s kind of the turning point where i decided not to let ptsd hold me back from finishing the project.
break-the-fucking-world: manic episode lmao
our-body-is-killing-itself: this song i made early on in the production of cyberscape. this was one of the two tracks that i didn’t scrap when i restarted halfway through the album (the other is monochrome-buzz). this song is set in the perspective of the girl me, the real me, suffering all throughout my childhood, trapped inside with no way to escape due to being in an unaccepting environment and just generally not being educated on anything involving this matter. it’s specifically about the real me watching as the external, now dead and gone me rip her body apart in multiple suicide attempts, and not being able to do a thing about it.
wtfdywfm: was feeling nostalgic about a bunch of different things, both music, games, and just generally in life, and decided to make a song that reminded me of older breakcore tracks.
shooting-stars-shine-like-memories: made after a rough mental health period, in which i had to help multiple people all struggling with suicidal ideation at the same time. this track signifies the hope i feel for them, knowing that they’re gonna get better and that now that things have cooled down, that we can begin the healing process.
sobriety: depressive episode had completely ruined me, felt worse than i had in a long long time. because of that, i broke sobriety. i drank for the first time in 4 months, and while i was drunk i tried playing around with my guitar and recording it. that’s what i used for the basis of this song, and just kind of played around with the rest. i wanted to convey a feeling of melancholy while also a bit hopeful, and i think it kind of turned out well.
this:is:reality: manic episode lmao
ks-sb233: another song made about anti-trans legislation. this one in specific was made about a bill targeting the state i live in as well (kansass). i didn’t want it to be particularly emotionally powerful, just more so made it to bring light to the issue and hopefully make more people aware about anti-trans legislation.
with-these-digital-eyes: the emotions i felt while making this song were very mixed, hence the three different sections within the song. the first section was expressive of the inferiority-complex i was struggling with, the second was expressive of the excitement and happiness i felt and still feel within my relationship, and the third was expressive of the new found hope for the future i have. all of which are in relation to my beautiful wife, who i cherish and love and am so so lucky to have in my life.
apt-303: manic episode lmao
when.i.found.her: a song about the love of my life. i don’t even know where to begin to express, or if there are even words expressive enough to describe just how much i love her. she makes me feel levels of happiness and joy and comfort and excitement that i’ve never felt once before in my life. she makes me excited to wake up in the morning cause i knew i’d be able to talk with her, she makes me excited for the night cause we would get to spend time together and watch columbo (gay), she makes me excited for every waking moment because i knew she’d be there and she’s all i’d ever need to be happy.
therapy: another song taking place after a mental health crash. this one in particular was very very bad, i had made the first attempt on my life in roughly 8 months. this song is made to express my appreciation for the therapy i was given when i was young, it’s been the only reason i’ve been able to function properly. if i didn’t have such an amazing therapist, who taught me things that continue to keep me going today, i simply would not be here today.
quasar: if you know me well enough, you know that i’m a huge space nerd. ever since i was young, i was fascinated by it and i studied it all through middle school and highschool. i went as far as to learn things like quantum mechanics and astrophysics to be able to read more into the details of discoveries and cool things. this song is expressing my love for space, and specifically the melody chops are supposed to be reminiscent of the radio waves emitted by a quasar. big nerd shit.
where-are-you-now?: expressive of the frustration i felt after all of those that had told me they will always support me, didn’t support me when i truly needed it. it’s also expressive of the weird, freeing feeling of leaving them behind, including my toxic ex. it’s a nice feeling, and for some people i didn’t feel an empathy towards, and there were also some that i knew i’d be missing for a long long time.
please-don’t-go: one of the most emotionally powerful songs i’ve ever made, with extremely important significance to me. out of respect for their privacy, i won’t say who this song is made about, all i will say is that it takes place after a very intense and horrifying event for the both of us. i don’t want to give details out, the most i will say is there was a lot of blood involved, and through the whole process i was completely terrified of what would happen if i wasn’t there, if i hadn’t woken up in time. i didn’t sleep for three days after it all, i would stay up all night out of fear of not being there when they needed me, and was always on edge hoping that nothing happened and that i’d be able to rest eventually. i still struggle with waking panic attacks, and while it may go down in my memories as one of the most terrifying moments in my life, everything is better now, and with time they and i will heal from everything that’s happened, it’ll be a distant memory for the both of us.
virgo-supercluster: more space nerd shit lmao
and that wraps it up. the album is 100% finished once this posted, besides physicals and merch. i have more projects coming up, so stay tuned, and i hope you all enjoy the fruit of my labor.
stay happy, stay healthy, and much love <3