My Response & Taking Accountability
First, I want to preface all of this by saying that I was not a good person in my past, I let down people with payments as well as words and promises, I was creepy and overly sexual in inappropriate circumstances and generally speaking being a dick. These sexual screenshots were from June, 2020 in which I just had turned 20 and although I should have been a mature adult at that point, but I was not. I’d like to start by apologizing to everyone that I hurt, especially the girl referred to as X.
I started talking to X in early 2020, around the same time where I had quit professional play to start streaming and I had around 200-300 viewers at this time. I was lonely, sad as well as lost what I wanted to do and be, I started to watch IKeepItTaco and he was my favourite streamer and I really loved hanging around his community as it made me feel happy. I met her in his community and at first I thought nothing of it but then we started talking and I found her interesting. Looking back, I feel disgusted and absolutely ashamed of myself for 1) not making sure that she’s really into me before making any sort of flirty or sexual acts and 2) not stopping after she mentioned that she is not above 18+.
Growing up in Sweden i never thought that a 3 year gap at that age was very weird, and the legal age of consent is 15. At the time i had just turned 20 and she was about to turn 17 and i did not think there was anything wrong with sexually flirting with her. Obviously, this is completely wrong
and there is no excuse. On top of this I was shit at reading the room but it was NEVER my intention to make her uncomfortable. I am disgusted looking back at this. I’m not trying to justify this behaviour in the slightest but I wanted to give some context on my thought process back then and I am now aware that It is completely wrong and I just feel disgusted when I look back at what I typed and to who. I’m sorry X, I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable or hurt you in any way.
There are words around about a 13y/o, story behind that is that I and my friends were in a public Voice Chat on the Discord Server ‘ Shrine of Balance ‘ back in the day and we were hanging out and there were times when discussions would become sexual but NOTHING I ever said was directed at anyone underage, let alone the age of 13. It’s still extremely inappropriate to discuss sexual things in the presence of an underage and I deeply regret not handling that better.
In one of the screenshots, i talked about how i had raped a girl but that i will never make that mistake again. When I was 19, had an older girlfriend that I loved very much, she was my first and I was also a virgin back then. I had no experience whatsoever and she also told me that she had never felt good doing any sexual before. I wanted to help her as much as I could so I tried to figure out how to pleasure a girl by looking at tutorial videos on how to finger while also being gentle since she had been through a traumatic moment in her life that made sex hard. We were together, we loved each other and I was staying over at her families place and we were just cuddling watching movies. She moved my hand to her crotch and I noticed that she was very wet so I started to slowly finger her as I saw on the tutorial videos and she seemed to be enjoying it. I should had asked if i can keep going to reassure she wants it but i didnt. After 5-10 seconds i noticed that she was completely frozen up and then after comforting her i kept going since she hadnt told me to stop. Again, I should had reassured everything was okay. She told me afterwards that she was uncomfortable with it. I felt so terrible about it. In some countries lack of consent isnt considered rape but I consider this rape. There is no excuse for this, it was on me to make sure that it is consensual and I failed to do so. I am ashamed to this day. As the screenshot says, I would never make that mistake again. Nothing like that has happened after that and it never will.
**Generally being a creep**
Besides these circumstances, there has also been other times where I have been a creep to those above 18+ and this was due to my lack of maturity and ability to read the room. I’m a naturally sexual person but there is absolutely no reason make others feel uncomfortable and honestly I was just being extremely creepy looking back. I hadnt been much with girls and i had very little experience with girls. I sucked at reading the room and ended up making people feel uncomfortable. For the screenshots of sexual encounters I had after 2020, I know it was not one sided. The people I was sexual with were over 18 and had been sexual towards me aswell. If i still made someone uncomfortable during this time, Im sorry. With this said, sexual inexperience is no excuse for being a creep, I am truly sorry to those who I made feel uncomfortable. I am not that guy anymore.
I have always been extremely bad with payments during my career and I mentioned this before but there really is no excuse. I made promises that I couldn’t keep due to lack of funds, and then bills kept on stacking up and it made things harder and harder to pay in time. This is something that I’m still trying to be better and better at, and I have made good progress and It’s something I’ll keep working on until there are absolutely no issues. I have been working on paying back everyone I owe money. It doesnt make up for not paying when I should had, but I am doing my best to make up for it now. You can contact any of my recent editors, thumbnails artists, etc about this if you’d like to hear their perspective.
This is all I had to say. I don’t expect to be forgiven and I right now I will just take some time off social media. I will continue focusing on growing as a person and making up for the shit person I was in my past. Im sorry to everyone I've hurt and made feel uncomfortable.
Thank you for reading.