Hello. I never felt that I could come out about this and I have struggled with this for years before writing this, and I doubt it’ll be anything close of years after I write this that this will ever be released. But in the case that you are reading this, I have to come out and lay what has happened to me. I was raped by a man known as the YouTuber “Kwite” in February of 2018 and had been in an extremely toxic “friendship”/on and off relationship with him since 2017.

To start in the beginning, I had found Kwite’s channel when it had less than 500 subscribers and as a teenager wanted to make art for him. Because he didn’t use his face in his videos, I thought he would have an easier time if I drew him and recommended he wore sunglasses and a face mask instead of manually keying his face out with a black box. There I essentially came up with his sona with him and drew various talk sprites for him, for free, that he only ever used maybe once. We were around the same age and slowly began talking and bonding over shared mental health issues. At this time I was undiagnosed with Autism and Borderline Personality Disorder (which I have diagnoses of now) and thus was unaware of how these would effect me in the coming relationship we had and how he would, most likely without knowing, take advantage of me.

At first we were extremely close in ways that helped the both of us. He shared bits of his past and I shared mine. However, slowly my status as an artist would land me in more YouTuber circles than his would and he would slowly try to encourage me to let him join said spaces. As a friend, I of course wanted to include him in as many as I could, but as I did and he made various connections outside of me, the relationship grew transactional.

While I wont say I was the most stable person at the time, I was not actively unkind. I cannot say the same for him. When my abandonment issues would arise, he would leave me ignored and then when I was having the worst of my time, he would swoop in to “save” me and keep me under his thumb. He would yell at me or act passive aggressive towards me when being my friend was inconvenient, but love bomb me when it was just us or he needed something from me. He would use my memory issues against me to gaslight me about things he said and would keep most of the conversations he had on calls or on Skype, because the messages delete after a set amount of time. He would actively talk about his new friends to me when he wanted me to do something for him, and took up a great amount of my time.

Eventually we met in real life a few times. I had transphobic parents so I told him my dead name to use only when my parents were talking to him, but after knowing this information, he would use it as a way to belittle me. The first meeting was fine, but he had a rule that I wasn’t allowed to take any pictures of him but he was allowed to take pictures of me. After promising and begging to take a few pictures that wouldnt (and still haven’t) been posted for memories, he let me take a few before he left.

The second meeting, however, was different. We had planned to meet up while he was on vacation in my city, and thus I would pick him up in my car and we would go to both a trampoline park and go to see Black Panther. This is where the worst of his behavior occurred. At this time we were both on and off flirting and had discussed that if we were both single at this time we would take each others’ virginity. However, once he had come on to me in the back seat of my car, I started to get cold feet. He, however, did not want to take no for an answer.

In the back seat of my own car he raped me, all the while I was telling him how it hurt and how I didn’t want to do this anymore. He kept telling me “this is what you wanted” as he went, but soon got bored of it and got out. I sat in the car by myself for a bit before going to join him in the movie we had planned to see together, and to “make up” he had me buy him popcorn. I put the event out of my mind as just two virgins being bad at sex and hung out with him for the rest of the day, as he was still one of my closest friends. I have a video with him to prove we were together at that time, that I was able to post only for myself after begging him to take pictures with me because we were friends.

A few months later, once he has gained quite a few more subscribers and larger YouTube friends did he start ghosting me more and more often, all while I was having a BPD episode. It got to the point where he called me to cut me off, and in our fight called me a “dyke who thinks she’s a boy and will never be”. This extremely hurt me and caused me to spiral more. I almost needed to be institutionalized, but thankfully for my social support system I wasn’t.

Months passed and when I tried to come out about the emotional abuse I suffered, I received harassment from his fans. I received calls to my house to tell me to kill myself, furthering my poor mental health. Eventually, however, it subsided and through a turn of events, I was able to set up a call to “reconcile” with him. In this call, he tried to gaslight me further, claiming that I had led him on, or worse, assaulted him instead, all in front of a mediator who thankfully knew better than to believe him. In this call he screamed at me, threw things and broke things and continued to try to gaslight me. However, thanks to Dani (Lord Bung), he calmed down and apologized for some of his behavior. However, I don’t believe he was sincere.

I truly am sorry that I stayed silent on this issue for years, but I cannot keep silent. I have been scared for myself and how the public will treat me, but I am too scared that I am not the only victim to keep silent anymore. Anyone who may also have been victimized is more than encouraged to DM me, and I hope you are doing ok. I know that many of you will not believe me. I don’t care anymore. For those who do, thank you for your ear and I hope that you stay safe.

TLDR: I was raped by Kwite, emotionally abused, deadnamed, called slurs and gaslit into silence for 6 years.

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