Neuroisdelicious @Neuroisdelish · @Neuroisdelish
31st Dec 2022 from TwitLonger
June 2020, the bad romance gone very wrong.
I am writing this to those who claimed to be "friends who care" before the new year begins. The last two years were hell in terms of recovery while rebuilding our new home on YouTube (btw, it is an extremely tough platform to grow on as a "newcomer" because of its algorithm and UI as a livestream channel)
Many of you wondered what really happened between me and Kabriel back in June 2020, so instead of asking around from those who hated my guts for whatever reason, it's best you hear it from the source; me (and I am sure Kabriel can confirm everything I said here. He was supposed to be my husband after all)
Back in June 2020, we had an argument via Discord DM as it was how we usually communicate to maintain our relationship halfway across the world apart and also due to covid. We got engaged in April 2020 where I proposed to him in front of our viewers (fellow Division agents), and he said yes. We were in love, or so I thought.
There were red flags along the way while loving him, but silly-me thought love could overcome everything, start fresh and put it all behind us. I was so looking forward to be his wife and couldn't wait for the epidemic to be over so we can finally be together.
Back to the argument in our Discord convo, it was about his ignorance of trolls in my chat that got to me. It wasn't just any troll; it has been a pattern of him intentionally ignoring my harassments and the trolling. I know this sounds crazy already, because I was the one who told him to please go ahead and keep playing video games with my very own harassers, that evil Project_ckt and "friends" whom I shall not name. They simply do not exist to me anymore, just like how some of the best of us cope with shit-stirrers.
It drove me mad. I confronted Kabriel in that DM about why he kept ignoring trolls in our chat leaving me defending myself again. This is where things gone south for the last time; he doubled down on my confrontation and said the things I brought up were "trivial" despite all the pain and disguise I had to bare alone while Kabriel blantantly ignore his "gaming friends" harassing me online, spreading shit rumors about me to other Division agents, calling me a home-wrecker right in front of him when he out of everyone knew I was none of what Project tried to stir. All of the shit-stir and evil-doings of Project_ckt started because I refuse to be with him, the married man whom I had an affair with back in 2018 (If you need more details on this, I am an open book and have nothing to hide, so I shall only speak about Kabriel and I for now even though Kaeb and Gibgaming knew it wasn't the truth but did not help to come clean with everyone)
In that DM argument with Kabriel, I told him I will not withstand another day witnessing him ignoring trolls attacking me and did nothing. He went berserk and thought I was going to break up the engagement. Moments later I started up my livestream as usual, putting on a smile in front of the webcam to entertain despite all the pain and trauma as usual.
At this point, Kabriel was still the main co-owner of our Discord and Twitch channel. He has full control of what he can do to our livelihood. He was still my fiance afterall, and it was just an unfinished argument between couples.
Never did I suspected anything wrong happening behind the scenes after that argument as life went on as usual. We didn't speak for a few days (to be exact, it was 3 days, details and memories of how everything went down embedded in my head like a bad tattoo)
On day 3, after we didn't speak to each other everytime after stream (please note that Kabriel was still the mod/owner of our Discord and Twitch channel at this point), during a livestream I received a DM from one of our closest viewer/top supporter of our channel (or so I thought), saying in our Discord DM 'she couldn't take it anymore". I of course out of concern entertained that DM disrupting the flow of my work in front of a live audience to entertain her DM in case something bad happened to her, but it was not what you would think. It was her confessing to me that actually, she and Kabriel had been talking privately in DM while I streamed for the last 3 days, and she couldn't take how I am on stream being happy and narcissistic and all while Kabriel was "suffering".
I asked in more detail what exactly happened, and she simply said I am a narcissist, like how could I carry on entertaining and working like no one's business. I was so confused at this point not knowing what she was getting at, and she confessed that Kabriel and her had been talking privately behind the scenes for the last 3 days, watching me together, with Kaeb trying to prove that I am a narcissist, like how I could continue to work and had fun streaming after our "breakup". Fyi, this female viewer whom Kaeb thought was a good idea to get to, to try to bring me down by shit-talking to her about me would destroy me, was a classic attention-seeker where she would come in with some "really bad news" in our channel once in a while just to have all eyes on her, exploiting my kindness and attention at the expense of my livelihood (I can go more in details on this specific viewer but she can defend herself, a common online shit-stirrer)
After learning that Kaeb and her had been watching me for the last 3 days together in their private Discord DM while he was still a mod/owner of our channel, my fiance and husband to be, my soul left my body at an instant hearing that my most trusted and loved family was trying to destroy the humble empire I had built over the years sacrificing everything I had way before I knew him.
I will never know if anyone would have reacted the same as I did but I did try to take my life the next day, going over and over again stunted in my head, "How could he...."
I eventually ODed on Zolpedem. I didn't want to live anymore, in that reality where my most trusted and loved would attempt to destroy me. In his words, "Since she hurt me, I am going to hurt her 😛" with this exact emoji at the end of that sentence, a screenshot that viewer Kaeb "confided in" had sent me showing these words which came from Kaeb himself in their DM conversation.
I was gone with the OD, and my ODed brain went on to turn on the stream as many of you had witnessed. (I am not going to apologize again for something I didn't intent to do which many claimed I had traumatized them watching me LIVE, ODed out of my mind doing weird shit on stream) For the last time I did not intent to do anything else except to die. I just didn't take enough though I was sure 40 Zolpedems would do the job.
And this was what happened. I survived the OD as my body was immune to sleeping drugs, and our Twitch channel got suspended indefinitely for "self-harm" the next day.
It has been 2 years since everything went down. It has been the loneliest 2 years of my life as I try to find the will to live, to feel something, searching for bits and pieces of humanity here and there, and still doing it as we speak. Our new home on YouTube haven't been doing well at all. We only had 2 payouts for the last 2 years with regular viewers gone from Twitch, and my lack of full commitment to grow the channel as I try to heal behind the scenes everyday.
(I would like to take this chance to those who donated the last 2 years to keep what we love to do going. It was your donation that kept it going.)
And this was what led to the idea of having a brand new Patreon to accept "subscribers" like on Twitch again, however it was never the same. This also led to the beginning of me taking nude photos, which eventually led to us starting an Onlyfans which had been the main source of our income for the last year to sustain our new home, the current YouTube channel.
Please do not harass anyone mentioned in this writing. I will personally hunt you down myself (To those who knew me, you know I mean it) This is just it, to those who kept wondering "What happened to our Twitch channel".
It wasn't about the Twitch channel. We could always rebuild or build if we set our mind on it. What I truly lost was the will to live, to love. I am still battling with this as we speak. It has been like this for the last 2 years.
Call me stupid or whatever label or tag you want to put it on me, but I am trying though there are still days I could just "snap" again at a push of a button. In between this last 2 years, there were indeed attempts again, planning over and over in my head how to end it all on top of coming out about my lifelong family abuse from my private life.
Take it how you want but this has been what has been happening; trying to find new pieces of me in different ways, putting these new pieces together to form my new self. I had tried to put all of this behind me but I'd always be reminded surrounded by reminders of how inhumane people can be. Maybe perhaps until we move to some place completely new, to feel completely safe to heal, we'd learn to believe again.
Like I mentioned, just would like to get this all out before the start of the new year. I feel I am ready until the next online troll comes pushing my buttons. We shall see.
Happy new year, dear reader. Thank you for reading.