RAOI · @_RAOI_
29th Nov 2022 from TwitLonger
A STORY ABOUT ART AND MUSIC
Its been a rough couple years, presumably for everyone but I know thats true for myself. I've made a lot of stuff in these last couple years. Music, videos, art, relationships. Nonetheless, its been a rough couple of years.
In the past couple years up until just recently I've struggled quite a bit with self harm, suicidal ideation, a multitude of neurological issues, physical injuries, and a strong urge to relapse into criminal activity and drug abuse that I've been desperately avoiding. Damage to my hearing has given me issues with making music, problems in my hands and legs as well. I've had trouble financially but luckily been able to stay afloat and even moved to a different state thanks to help from friends and family.
In that time as well though I've made a lot of the best stuff I've ever created. In a way, I think that's partly due to my habit of isolating myself from people who care so that they didn't have to deal with my problems. It gave me a lot of time to reflect on what I wanted to make and learn how to do so.
I used to pride myself on my ability to understand and talk to others. It was one of the only things I felt like I was good at growing up, I had to be in my environment. Due to the self induced isolation from those closest to me and anyone in general I feel as though I've lost that entirely. But as well in that time I discovered a lot about myself, my identity, my sexuality, entered my first long term relationship. Yet still even on a good day I struggle with talking to my closest friends.
The turning point in all of this took place earlier this year when in between being on suicide watch via family I disassociated and damaged the side of my face. It hurt to talk for awhile, and eat, I had to wear bandages for a couple weeks. It felt like rock bottom
Lately as well as rekindling my closest friendships and trying to repair any damage I may have done I've been trying to get out of my comfort zone and talk to new people as well. I don't know how I made friends when I was younger. Its nerve wracking to try and befriend people I admire or find interesting now.
The only success I've been having has seemingly once again been through art and music so I continue to fall back on it as a method of befriending people. An easy conversation topic. Though I'm still constantly nervous about my interactions with others, something I wasn't used to dealing with before. I've still been having trouble talking to people and working on my passions.
I'm still dealing with a lot. Art isn't therapy, but I think it is a healing process. I've been very focused on making art thats better than anything I've ever created before. The first true step to that is the EP that'll be released soon, its titled and themed after a funny story told to me many years ago by one of my closest friends. The cover art will feature pieces by some of my closest friends. Both of these things mean a lot to me.
If anyone is reading this, whether it be my closest friends or by some fluke people that hopefully soon I'll be able to call new friends I hope I can communicate with you like a human being soon because I'd really love to. If you message me, I'll respond ASAP. If I message you, I hope its not too palpably uncomfortable. Bear with me in the mean time I'll probably message you either too much or too little with no in between.
Its been rough and art isn't therapy, but at least I have the ability to make something of my own volition.