Powdur 🤍✂️ · @powdury
1st Sep 2022 from TwitLonger
Title?
Hello! This is my first time writing one of these. I wanted to explain my situation a bit more. And I feel like this is a big risk. Will probably lead to more criticism, but I wish to shed light on some misunderstandings because I see a lot of people indirectly tweeting about me and my feelings.
I am not new to content creation.
I am new to VTubing. My origins stem from the VRChat community in 2020. I started on TikTok as vrpowdur. I lost my job and saw a YouTube video on VRChat content. I thought..I really want to try this too! I made hardly any money for the first 1-2 years of my content creation as a VRChat creator. I picked up 3D modeling on the side but only specialize in hair. I am a nooby blender artist. Hence why I use the term “novice” a lot. I sell my stuff for very cheap when I put hours upon hours of work into it. But that’s ok. It’s my side hobby and job. It is not my passion.
My community was initially built upon VR content. I am very grateful with what I’ve built up. BUT. I was NOT happy with the content I created. VR content creation felt very limiting to me. I have poor eyesight in one of my eyes and cannot wear the headset and stream at the same time for long. I limited myself to being a “just chatting” VRChat streamer. Which I wasn’t consistent with AT ALL.
So what did I do? I researched. I knew I wanted to be a content creator. My passion for that never died. I found VTubing. I heavily resonated with it. Even was calling myself a “VTuber” when I streamed VRChat and used a 3D model! But I got lots of hate and frankly… felt very alone. No one took me seriously. I was not what they wanted me to be. I did not live up to my own expectations and did not fit the “VTuber mold” that so many people knew more about than I did. This freaked me out. I had not really engaged with and become part of the VTuber community I was only seen as a VR creator. Why was I even bothering with labeling myself as a “VTuber” when I’m doing something I genuinely don’t enjoy.
I struggled with people wanting me to continue with VR, but that was at the cost of my own mental health. So do I try to push through? NO. I wasn’t happy. I’m not going to force myself into doing something I genuinely do not love doing. I know when something does not fit. And frankly, it was not the career I wanted for myself.
The more I worked on VR content the more I felt stuck in the middle. Am I a VTuber? Am I only a VR Content creator? Wtf am I? Where do I belong? And these sorts of questions made me kick my own ass. Slap my face with water and say. Alright. I’m not happy with what I am doing now. Let me work on streaming more consistently and playing games other than VRChat.
April 2022. I got my 3D VTuber. I got the facial tracking all setup and I streamed fuckin Kirby. Because I fuckin love Kirby. And ya know what? I did not have 130+ people. I had 20-40. I was happy. I’m not someone who gets hung up on numbers. Some people use this against me and it honestly feels very shallow to me. I was just happy someone showed up. I felt for the first time I was doing something right by myself.
April 25th (my birthday) I received a payment from the government after a dog had bit part of my nose off. (Yes I’m ok). So I thought long and hard how I was going to spend this money. I could stash it away and let it sit in my bank account for me to burn through, or I could invest it in something I KNOW I love. I chose my love (VTubing career.) It was a risk I was willing to take. I wanted better things for myself and my community. I know money does not equate success. And I don’t even like saying I’m privileged for being bit by a dog and having to go through surgery. But some may say otherwise.
I am privileged that I had those 20-40 who watched me and supported me. I did what I loved and I had people support that (friends included). Breaking away from VR content and seeing a drop in my viewership was a little hard. But I had to do it.
May 2022
I took this money (dog bite money) and applied to have a 2D model. And I was ok if I got denied. It wouldn’t stop me. I knew I wanted to be 2D. I used to watch shachimu and fell head over heels for her model. I wanted that. And ya know what? I was going to get that for myself. I will always love my 3D self. But I’m allowed to have my own preferences for myself too. I wanted to be 2D. I wanted to be more active with the VTuber community and I wanted to find my place.
After applying and being accepted by the most stinky stonky gigachad artist/rigger kiru. I cried. I felt unworthy in many ways. I even was worried I couldn’t measure up to the others being accepted because I only had this limited amount to spend on a model. Kiru did not care. Kiru loves me and my design (s/o Seiji). It did not matter if I could afford all the glitz and glam. So now what?
Powdur you have an amazing model?! Yes. I fuckin agree. It’s fuckin amazing because it is everything I want to be. It’s everything I saw for myself. I achieved a goal I wanted.
I am not one to burnout. I am very mindful of what I wanted to do next. Pedal to the gahdamn metal. I stalked all of your beautiful asses on Twitter. I watched countless YouTube videos. Took notes in my boomer notebook. I put together my funds I had left over and bought a lot of premade assets. Customized some free stuff for myself and made myself look as high production as I possibly could. Because that is what I WANTED for myself.
Time to put my heart into this. While I may have researched and done all I can to prepare myself for my VTuber journey (debut etc etc) I failed to understand some very important things. All the stuff on my Twitter feed is not what happens behind the scenes. I admit. I am late to the game. I do not know everyone’s origins. I do not know your struggles. I will not be hateful. Spiteful. Or downright rude to you because of my ignorance. I will bumble around in this community and find my place eventually and in turn keep my expectations realistic.
My feelings from what I posted before is all very true for me. It may not be true for you. I debuted 2 months ago. That’s when I got serious. That‘s when for the first time I felt like a real VTuber. And ya know what? I put even more pressure on myself. It’s hard when the social algorithms show me all the glitz and glam. It brings me back to that headspace of “oh fuck. Am I doing enough?” “Well they’re getting this new model” should I get one after 3 months too? “Oh look, they got a new outfit!” Is that what people expect from me? “Look at all these custom toggles I got!” Damn wtf that’s crazy I really want that too! -Looks at bank account- oh…
In my 2 months as a VTuber and person I love. I have been met with generous generous support from this community. I have been able to create a community I never thought I’d create in the first place. I am fortunate. I am more fortunate than some. But I am also less fortunate than others. I recognize this. And my own intrusive self doubting toxic thoughts sometimes get the better of me. You may only see me as my following numbers. But I am more than that. I care about the hustlers. I care about my community. And you damn well know I care about this community.
I apologize for my naive expectations in thinking that I need to be more than I am. Sometimes a little reassurance goes a long way. Sometimes I don’t always give myself that love and support. But if anything. That last post has shown me a lot of the good side in this community. I believe in all of us. I believe in myself. I only want to set realistic expectations. I ask for patience. Not for fame. Not for more followers. Not for clout. Just patience. My time will come when I can get all the bells and whistles. As eager as I am. I am forced to be patient. So that is all that I ask from you.
(Thank you if you read all this)