Hired as a fan , fired as an enemy [its more venty, but im saying my peice.]

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where to begin.

[warning, this gets to be rambly, but there's a reason. ]

never thought id use this site but aye, Twitter can let me type so much.
so.

working on helluva.

as mentioned. i have no screenshots. I'm sorry to those who wanna believe me but cant due to lack of proof. and i get it. you need that to really take my word for it. but I hope I and others speaking out will make it easier to trust even without the screenies to say so.

[where it began]

if you guys remember me, hi, im kaz. i use to own an oc known as wilson limbo. google him and hell pop up if you need a refresher.

He's been around for a long time. like hell way before hazbin was on my mind. he was just some random oc i felt would fit in and he did. over time, through the websites i went on and communities, he grew to be a fairly well-known oc, even people mistaking him for being an actual character, leading some folks to tag viv asking she make him cannon, to which i asked people not to cause i was fine with him being an oc.

but hes been around for a few years. ive been around the hazbin community for a few years.i drew fan art, made rp accounts, took commissions and made friends along the way. i can safely say i was a big fan. [not anymore sadly].

i have been in the hazbin spotlight for a while. now.

[helluva]

when the pilot came out, i thought nothing more passed, haha, its like if the office were set in hell. its pretty funny and i was down with it cause it had Bradon fuckin Rodgers and hes funny as hell so of course, i liked it. but. that was it. it wasn't much my taste past me thinking it was a funny one offer viv made while hazbin was still in the works. didn't mean i hated it. just wasn't a big fan like i was hazbin seeing ive been with it for years.

[wanting to work there]

seeing the many times they were looking for people to work there, i figured, hey, why not. i mean, im already in the fandom, i draw in the style pretty good. i should shoot my shot. [me now would go there and tell me then, no don't do that. please don't do that.]

but im a fan so i thought nothing more than, oh , they'll be nice and cool and itll be a great time. many times i would wanna try to work there.

[working there, worst mistake of my life ngl]

now they were looking for a black artist. and i just so happened to be one of those and shot my shoot extra hard. and wouldn't ya know, i got hired. now this was just to work on helluva. it not hazbin , and i admit i was a little let down but i didn't mind. it was Spindel and i was happier nonetheless. now. heads up folks, i hadn't worked in a working environment since i was 17 and that was its own bombshell of hell. but i thought this would be better.

it wasnt.

to start, no, i didn't go in there and everything was already on fire, no. but..someone had a gas leak and someone else had to ignite the fire. it was fine at first. i had to just work on props. no biggie.

they were fun to do and i took this as a learning opportunity. i could get better over time, learn how to work with a team, and work under someone i looked up to!

for me, work wasn't the issue. i got it done and got paid.

however, when the Instagram accounts began, that's when things went downhill.

[the instagrams]

i ran the angel dust account. tired of not being allowed to say it, so im saying it here. i ran that account. i posted the art except a few, but i ran it. i could tell there were issues the moment i started that account. i thought it would be fun but a lot of times i had more questions of why than encouraging or guided responses of how to run it. and no, telling me, "hey these accounts are just for fun~" is not saying, "Hey, keep these characters cannon. people will reach for anything." nor was i guided on how to draw the character.

[allegedly] Viv thought i only drew in my art style so people would know i was the one who ran the account. its my art style. [was], how on eath can you just assume that and run along with it.

also when cherri bomb was around, that was an account ran by a friend of mine who wasn't on the show. i admit i shouldn't have let my excitement get the better of me. i wanted a friend of mine to have fun with me without thinking of the aftermath on both sides.

but again, [allegedly ] viv only thought angel paid more attention to cheri bomb than any other characters when i fully remember angel and husk having fullback and fourth arc. or that the fact not many other characters from hazbin that angel is around, had a reason for him to talk to them much but i let him talk anyway.

its probably in his character to have him talk to her more since they are best friends, than he would vox or val unless its to take orders from them.

end of ramble, but my friend didnt work at spindle, so cherri bomb couldnt continue. they delted the account and that was that. long story short, they didnt like how i ran the angel dust account. fair.

[the pony town arc]

if you all recall, blitz likes horses. and for a while, a fe team members and i played pony town with the characters designed for the game. i had a pre-existing angel dust pony and made that one angels main pony. thing is, if you play the game, you can have your twitter linked back if you want. and that angel pony i had; had my twitter link. why does this matter? oh. cause they [allegedly] thought i was trying to garner fans yet again with that tag there.

rather than come to me saying, "hey kaz, we noticed angels pony model has your Twitter tag, can you take that off. we wanna keep the accounts as anonymous as possible." none of that.

[team members]

they were great. [okayish]. nothing terrible about them. however, i only could reeeally click with a few. just a few. but. they were cool. anyone i could talk to. though. after i was removed. i learned i gave the team trouble talking to me. that i didn't seem interested in thir conversations, talked about myself and my struggles, or didn't talk much at all and left. but they felt i only really wanted to talk to sam and viv mostly.

and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shun yall in this way. but I promise you, I didn't shun yall for Viv and sam. I didn't shun yall-cause yall weren't fun or interesting to talk to. i struggle with talking to people. I go into panic rambles and most of the time, it's random things I ramble about when I start. but if I'm not told to stop, I won't. I didn't have much about me to talk about in terms of interests or things I do. so I couldn't relate to anyone who did more than i do. so I left calls. I don't wanna stay in a spot where I don't really fit into, not cause of yall, but cause i don't know where I stand. I dunno. I can't explain how my social skills work cause they don't. they don't work at all and it's all impulsive, be it I stay quiet or blabber on and on and on about who knows what. it doesn't make what they felt about me any less, but I hope it explains where I was in the period of time.

[the hot shots. the big cheeses] [coughvivandsam]

[echp clam.meme .mp3]

oh boy these two.

lets start by saying, i hate sam more than i do viv.

[viv and being let go]

she didn't cause me direct emotional pain. but all the stuff i say is after i had been let go.
first off, viv, i didn't quit. ok. sam came to me at a 4am notice to let me know i was let go with a copy pasta lookin goodbye letter after i made a tweet on my Wilson account that people need to stop shipping stolas and via. [seriously stop. That's gross]. worried i said something wrong, did something wrong and i asked sam, what i did wrong and she assured me it was nothing. i took her word for it, but it was like, hardly a day after helluva episode 1aired and it killed me. i cried myself to sleep because in that moment, i was alone. waking up that next morning, i went to available friends and broke down. i didn't know what i did. i didn't get a single message from anyone asking where i was or if i was okay. i felt removed. angels account was gone, the discord i was in was gone. everything was gone. and i didn't have time to process or say goodbye. i was kicked.

so for me to learn they said , "oh kaz quit." was a lie. if i had the choice, i would have never quit that job had you asked me in the past.

i loved working there, viv. i did. so for you and or sam to [allegedly ] say that my prop work wasn't good cause i didn't like helluva. that i didn't try cause i didn't like helluva. that i tried to sneak my ocs in without coming to me to change a characters design so you go behind my back to have someone else fix it instead of coming to me to learn from my actions. you let me crash and burn. you and others saw my constant mistakes and not once did you come to me to talk to me about them.

ill admit my faults. i should have shown more interest in this show, but i didn't. but that never affected my work just cause i wasn't a big fan like others in there who were. to expect me to sit down and gawked and bed over and bow to a show i wasn't truly in the fandom for but in it for the work. i wanted to build up my knowledge for art. to think, yea, i can do art stuff in a working space, yea. i didn't hate helluva. it wasn't hazbin. i started from hazbin. of course, i wasn't a big fan of helluva. but i still enjoyed the work. i worked there for the work and the hopes to working with the team, not to simp over a show.

you [allegedly ] thought i didn't watch any of the storyboards. i did. you jsut never sat down with me to see if i did. just another assumption.

as for the oc you thought i tried to sneak it, its the red-headed trans dude in the spring break episode. long hair, buff, eyes cover, trans scars. i like big dudes with hair over their eyes. i enjoyed an imp oc who had similar looks as if that was his imp form. but no, they had no connections. and if Viv wanted me to change the design, they should have asked me to. and anyone who goes, "oh you should have known tho- they shouldn't have to--"

i never worked in a space like that. not at the studio level. how am i supposed to know when ive done wrong if im not told there's an issue. its as simple as sending one of your designers at my DMS to talk about changing the design due to similarities. i get it, they looked very close, and i can understand their viewpoint, but to just point at me and say all these things are what ive done with ill intent it wrong.

i never came around take your popularity, i had my own name, thank you. big or not, don't put yourself so high thinking i wanna take from you. i was trying to have fun like everyone else, and no one took it upon themselves to tell me where a line was crossed and i won't take the blame for something you wanted me to stop and didn't cause wasn't aware.

its hard trying to come up with answers to why i did this and that when i at the time didn't think on why i did. but they were more than open to talk behind my back about my issues than come to me to help fix them for the team and myself. so thanks viv.

[sam]

what is there to say about perfect angel sam. the fake blond.

shes mean.

She's very fucking mean. i won't even sugar coat it. a conceited stuck up preppy person who could learn a thing or two about being humble.

she was the one who happily let me go, who snagged the angel dust account from me when i was let go.

who came to my DMs when i tweeted out how sad i was to no longer see the show grow with me there, but happy to see itll still go on.

making it out as if me coming back would muddy up the look of spindel. so me thinking i would be let back on the team, deleted it.

now.

that being said, it was alleged, that after i was removed, i was never going back on that team. they never planned to bring me back on, so sam telling me that me coming back, if ever they decided they would bring me back, was a lie to keep my mouth shut.

why keep this lie up. why keep this lie ive done no wrong just for me to learn ive been such a big issue. im not even upset i was this big an issue for the reasons people would think i should be, im upset because it was never brought to my attention.

im upset because all of the horrible moments ive caused there was nothing but gossip hate talk for them to feed each other about how awful i was without me knowing i was this awful.

for me to learn that sam [allegedly] enjoyed the fact that i was too scared to hop on calls when she was there is just nothing more but bullying.

to know you knew i was nervous around you and enjoyed that didn't want to be near you.

[talking to them]

as i said earlier, some team members thought i only wanted to talk to viv and sam. no. that isnt the case. i was nervous. they made it clear where i stood and i was both star-struck and freaking out i could mess up. so i talk and talk and talk and when its all said and done, i shut up. for a while. so much so i just cant find words so leave or just don't say anything. being shy isnt just poking your fingers and nervously speaking in a hushed tone. i blabber on and on or say nothing. with viv and sam, its talk and talk. not cause i want to, but cause i felt like i had to. they're the boss. i wanna know if i can talk to them or if its easy to and its not. their numbers dont mean anything and i learned that shit fast with sam and her "better than you." personality.

[other stuff]

my rambling is due to learning they have "dirt" on me. dirt being more lies and/or misconstrued ideas they may have to ruin my name if ever i came out. not just me alone but others too. to know they plan to just shut people up instead of working to better themselves is telling. to know they would rather fight back just to win vs to better themselves as a team or fight back for the sake of their name. not to just win some battle.

my actions were not team-worthy. i should have been more open to conversation. i should have noticed my actions. i should have talked with people where i could to build up a better environment for myself, but i feel that wouldn't have worked in terms of my staying at spindle because i feel they would find ways to remove me anyway.

my actions were my actions alone, but no one came to me to help me see them when they needed to be seen. they would rather keep my mouth shut of me venting on Twitter than come to talk to me about troubles they had with me. talk dirt behind my back about issues i wasn't causing with ill intent. and i know intentional or not, it still happened, but there was no communication for me to even try to fix it.

being removed had me question myself. being removed nearly had me set my art on a shelf. my life on a shelf. i work with better teams now but i hardly go in calls. i hardly talk with many folks and when i do, its more nervous impulse rambling. i don't know how to talk to people. its no one else's responsibility to teach me but call me out where i need to be if something happens that you need me to know.

hints won't work on me all the time. and letting me burn my own bridge cost me the job of my dreams over assumptions. because rather thn being full-grown adults who are working on a professional discord, you are far from and wanted to talk about petty gossip of my mistakes than come to me to tell me them.

1. didnt like that i talked hazbin instead of helluva.

[i was a hazbin fan longer than helluva. you hired a long-time die-hard fan.
not saying i was okay to do this but, what did you expect. i wasn't professional.
i was a fan.]

2. the oc sneak in.

[yes the characters look similar, not they are not the same character,
yes i could have changed the design, but you didn't come to me to do that.
just another thing to gossip about]

3. thinking my props/character deigns were lackluster because i wasn't invested in helluva

[no, i wasn't a die-hard fan of helluva. the show was funny, but i had no real reason to
be a die-hard fan. that doesn't mean i didn't put in the work, i never was a prop designer so i didnt know what all went into making props or characters. i was an amateur. so to say i didnt try based off my lack of love for the show isnt fair to my hard work. fizz is cute. jesse is hot. next.

4. They thought I only wanted to talk to the higher-ups. Like only viv, Sam and anyone who got a higher status [Noticing is hop in calls when they got in.]

[there was never any big @everyone announcement of when who got promoted to what. one person got lead and assumed i was nicer to them because of it. i don't care for status. congrats tho.]

viv has her favorites who will go out of their way to brag about working on spindle. who wll say they know viv. who wear it on their shoulder. and ya know what. fine. do it. you have bragging right. however, its not fair to be the ONLY ones who do it just cause they kiss the ground you walk on. i worked there not to be one of your favorites. its not about whos your best shoe shiner.

i wanted to be a teammate. i couldn't be and i gotta work on that. but i was set up for failure. i wasn't given even a bit of chance to work on my actions.

im sorry, I wasn't good. but im not sorry i couldn't change that.

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