BiohazardShade · @BiohazardShade
8th May 2022 from TwitLonger
My Side
I want to start off by saying I don't plan on coming back. I understand i am not wanted. This is not to save face, this is simply my side of the story. I want to be completely transparent with all of you. I should have done this a while ago but I had a career to worry about. I thought if I ignored the allegations, they would go away. I was tired of drama and I just wanted all of it to be over. This was the wrong choice of course. I was (and still am) not in a good headspace. I am suffering from depression, anxiety, and ptsd among other things. So I was not able to deal with everything being said about me.
When the girl i was accused of grooming turned 17, I met her shortly after. At the time I was being accused of being a pedophile by Sarah. Sarah made my life a living hell. She accused me of (TW) jerking off to my mothers corpse and other things I'm not remembering all too well. She protected the actual pedophile that abused the girl. I don't want to share her name so to protect her identity, we can call her Z. I along with friends was trying to expose Sarah and clear my name. Z helped me and I saw the text messages between her and her abuser. So we also exposed her abuser as well. We grew close during that whole ordeal. Had a brother/sister bond. I helped her through many hardships and she did the same with me. It was always wholesome. I had no intentions of anything more. When she turned 18, I sent her happy birthday wishes. She was drinking and I get worried about anyone under 21 drinking alcohol. It's her life though so I shared my concerns and told her to be safe. I remember one of the times i shared my concerns of her drinking or doing something adult after turning 18, she'd say she's 18 and old enough to make her own decisions. I'm paraphrasing but that's what she said. She'd usually say something to that effect and then assure me she'd be careful. I have little ticks in my speech when I talk to people. It sometimes make me sound old or dumb. I say things like "golly" or "kiddo" and such. Almost uncontrollable. I don't remember (because I don't have access to the texts between me and Z) but I could have called her a good girl after she said she'd be careful. I definitely called her a good girl at some point. I remember wondering if that could be taken as sexual but I left it alone because she didn't say anything about it. Before getting into voice acting, I didn't really consider that phrase as sexual. Then I got into some kinks and such and yes it can definitely be taken as sexual. This was not my intention. Obviously I made videos of me saying this phrase to listeners. That was in a specific romantic context and I am unsure if I would be believed about this but I must press i didn't mean it in a sexual specific way. I just want that context out there and hammer that point home because I believe this is why I was accused of flirting with her as soon as she turned 18. Anyway. A couple weeks after she told me about her going to the adult store to get something for herself. I was taken aback and kinda wondering why she was telling me this stuff. I didn't shut down the conversation because of all of the times she told me she's grown and I just kinda let her continue. We changed the subject and I thought nothing of it. Fast forward a week or so and we hopped in call. There was some light flirting and I forgot what exactly was said. I did not initiate it. I was simply the first to be forward instead of dancing around the situation. I shouldn't have done this. With everything that Z has been through, I shouldn't have let a relationship like that happen between me and her. Sure I didn't pursue this but I did myself no favors by going with the flow and letting it happen. I stress that I wasn't in the best mindset. I'm gonna be honest completely with you all, (TW) I was seriously considering suicide and almost carried through with it a year ago. I was a horrible kid. In my youth, I did and believed dumb shit (hence the tweets). I was a bully and I've done horrible things to other people because of my upbringing. I even bullied a kid to suicide in high school. A fact I've never shared with anyone but close friends. The guilt in my heart has been consuming me for years upon years. I believed I deserved to die. I was only just getting over this. I've had support from my friends and support from the people who watched my content. My depression had it's ups and downs and around the time that I called Z, it was very very low. I was weak. I know this isn't an excuse and I'm not asking for forgiveness anymore. I simply want to tell my truth and help you all to understand my state of being at the time. I have nothing left to lose and I don't plan on coming back to doing youtube so I have no reason to hide anything anymore. We had phone sex that day and then shared some dirty conversations a bit afterwards. After a couple days, I felt dirty and she did too. We had a sibling like bond. And she was 18 while I was 26. The age gap concerned me but. I've seen couples lots of years apart before but this just made me feel dirty. We agreed to stop but we still kinda text flirtatiously for a bit. I remember saying I loved her. Because I did... as a sister. My feelings romantically for her were not very strong. The lust was strong because she felt the same way and it was electric but nothing serious. After a week, she confessed in call that she wanted to be my girlfriend. I told her that she's great but I don't think I can do that. I loved her like a sister and the age gap I was uncomfortable with. She seemed cool with my answer and after a couple of days she even told me that she was dating someone. That was that I thought. She asked if I was ok and I said yeah. We had a convo and I wasn't bitter about it. I think I said I needed some time because I didn't want come off as unhappy for her, I was just unhappy in general and didn't want my bad mood to rub off on her while she was happy. We talked here and there but I was avoiding everyone around that time. I was stressed and working on videos and didn't want to be bothered. Fast forward idk how long and this hit peice on me surfaces. Filled with old and embarrassing tweets, and accusing me of being a pedophile. And I... just can't take it... I looked back on me and Zs conversation and noticed some stuff was deleted to make me look bad. Some of the things being said about me was the stuff of nightmares and I held this guilt in my chest again because I knew what me and Z did would only damage our relationship and I could have stopped it. I could have stopped her from feeling abused and used. I could have stopped all of this by being strong and saying no to the flirting and no to the temptations. I could have prevented this by simply saying no. But I didn't. While this went down I phoned fawn (fawniva) and explained what happened. We cried. Her name as well as mine was being dragged through the mud. She was dealing with her own problems mentally and her heart couldn't take more drama. Literally she went to a doctor. She has heart problems now due to past dramas and traumatic events. It leads her to act impulsively. I've seen this a couple of times. I was trying to avoid Twitter and Don't really know what went on in her final of social media but she left and told no one. She deleted everything and disappeared. She stopped talking to everyone. Including me. Not a day goes by that I don't worry that she's committed suicide. Suicide because of something that I could have prevented. At this point, I tried my best but everything crumbled beneath me. I considered continuing my career but it was clear the community didn't want me to stay. Getting called pedophile over and over and seeing your name and your friends names dragged through the mud over and over again sends you a clear message. My friends were turning on me aside from a select few. A lot wouldn't even bother to talk to me. I tried to apologize to Z and ask her to please forgive me. She didn't want contact with me. I thought it best to just do what everyone wished me to do. I deleted everything. Afterwards I considered suicide again. Maybe if I were truly gone, I could stop fucking up and ruining lives. If it weren't for my friends constantly checking on me and a strong support group, I truly think I would have gone through with it. After some therapy and months of reflection and picking myself up, I am finally clear headed enough to talk about this. There were wrongs on both sides. I see that clearly now. And as apart of my therapy, getting this off of my chest is a great weight lifted. I just want to formally apologize to Z for what I've done to her. I hope you live a happy life and understand I never meant to hurt you. There are other stories that popped up while I was gone but I won't address them. They're petty and lies and I'll just move on from there. Like I've said, I don't care if I'm believed. I don't care if you think horribly of me. I don't want to get back into voice acting. I just want to be left alone and stay away from social media. This is simply to share my truth and apologize to Z. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry to everyone I've let down. Thank you for the wonderful memories and lessons. I hope you all have a good life.
‐Biohazard VA