cat⁷♔⚢💗 · @strwbryfemme
21st Apr 2022 from TwitLonger
hi again everyone!
a lot has happened since ive been gone. i didnt really intend to take a break for a full two months, but im really glad that i did. it's given me time to reflect on myself, and to adjust to a lot of change happening around me IRL. i've been able to accept myself as intersex and how that's affected me my whole life, and have taken time for myself to grieve recent losses in my family. I've been living less in my head and more in the moment; being off twitter had been really, really good for me.
But i've also spent a lot of time reflecting on myself as a person, who I feel I am, who I want to be compared to the person who I've been (especially on twitter!). I've looked back on old tweets, ones i wasnt called out on, and felt sick to my stomach. I have several personal values that I have directly contradicted, multiple times, and i cannot describe how disappointed - repulsed, even - i am with myself. I know that the person I've been online is not the kind of person I want to be. I know that I'm capable of being a much better person. I am not proud of the person I've been thus far. I've been impulsive, I've been catty, I've been ignorant, and I've been prejudiced.
Wallowing in my disappointment in myself doesnt accomplish anything, which is why I'm returning from my break. I know that I can do better, and be better. It's time for me to prove this to myself by putting my thoughts and feelings into action, and to become somebody that I can feel proud of.
I've noticed a pattern in my problematic behavior that stems from the following three problems:
1. overstepping boundaries / speaking over other people
2. ignorance / lack of educating myself on topics i dont know much about
3. impulsivity / acting on whims without thinking them through
of course there's more to it than just that, but I think that tackling these three problems first is the best way for me to ensure that i dont hurt people like this again. to hold myself accountable, and to use as tools to help myself improve, i will be establishing some rules for myself to follow; that i really should have been following all along, but i might as well start now.
1. No More Discourse, No More Arguments
I will no longer be engaging in any more discourse or arguments. My voice as a white queer is too loud, and too often wrong, that I do not need to be arguing about topics that end up being directly harmful to others in the community. I will still talk about my experiences as an intersex, nonbinary, mentally and physically disabled, poor, asexual/arospec lesbian - but not in a way that is argumentative, related to discourse, or speaking over the experiences of others; particularly, those with less privilege than me. I also think that the heightened emotions related to discourse cause my impulse control to weaken considerably, but I will continue that point later.
2. Less Talking, More RTing
because I have proven myself to be pretty uneducated on several important topics, i will not talk about any topics that A) don't affect me, and B) i dont know like the back of my hand. instead, I will read, rt, do some research, and move on. if I do still end up saying something that is misinforming and problematic, please let me know !! upon finding out i will immediately delete, apologize, research, and not repeat those same points again.
3. Reread Every Single Tweet At Least Thrice
i'm a very exciteable person who often gets super excited about an idea, rushes to tweet it without thinking it through, and then regret it. I need to learn to slow down and focus on wording, consequences, implications, and to ask myself questions such as "Am i the right person to be talking about this? does this align with my personal values? should anybody say this kind of thing at all?". Too many times have I skipped through this kind of thought process (particularly in discourse!) and said things that i dont even agree with. I have been working a lot on this IRL for the past few months, but I'm still going to continue working on it until I can really fully 100% get it under control, and apply that growth here on Twitter.
I do still intend to make flags for myself and celebrate being LGBTQA+ here on twitter since this is really the only place i have to do so. From now on, though, i will be doing this while applying the rules I've set for myself. I want to improve as a person, and I cant do that if I just never tweet again and/or deactivate. I know a lot of people cant and wont forgive me, and they are entirely within their right. I dont expect forgiveness, and i wont ask for forgiveness, from anybody. I want to be a better person because I honestly cant stand knowing that ive hurt people, deeply, and that ive caused more harm to the community than good. I never ever intended to hurt people, i never went out of my way to purposefully hurt people, but i did still hurt people, and i am still incredibly sorry for it.
if i do fuck up again, please please please talk to me about it. My DMs are open, and I know I was stupid and privated my account upon being told about the callout post while i was at work, but i will not be responding to criticism that way ever again. I will try to remember to put in my dn whether im asleep, at work, or just generally busy, but it may take me some time to make a habit out of that. The point is that I'm going to make it a point to respond positively to criticism, and to really try to grow and make ammends whenever possible. I know I've burned bridges that can never be rebuilt, but I'm going to do my best not to burn any more.
I do have work in the morning and it is pretty late in my time zone so I may not respond for a second, but I'm going to do my best to respond asap. I really want to do the right thing, and I appreciate anyone who has read this far. I hope you all have a great day/night/etc, and thank you again for reading all this. It means a lot to me.