Orenji · @MunchingOrange
16th Mar 2022 from TwitLonger
Farewell Jethrotex
A few days ago, it was made aware to the public that my friend Dylan AKA Jethrotex passed away. The truth is, I've known Dylan passed since January and haven't said anything because part of me didn't want to believe it and even as I write this it still doesn't feel real. Everyone processes grief differently and my natural reaction is to roll up into a ball and shove all the thoughts and emotions into the back of my head and pretend everything is fine, and with so much going on in my personal life recently it felt easier to do that than to face what happened. I know it probably isn't the healthiest way to cope, but death has been in my life from an early age when I lost my dad so it almost feels automatic when I push these topics aside. But with Dylan I feel this sort of pressure to speak up, perhaps because the public knew we were close friends so I'll try my best to express how I'm feeling.
Dylan had been struggling for a long time... Many years ago I'd say we considered each other's best friend and would spend countless hours gaming, talking online and going to conventions together. Even then he would often joke about s*icide, but we were young and jokes like that were common so I didn't think much of it. As the years went on my interests changed and I wouldn't spend as much time on Skype/Discord so naturally we grew apart. We were still on good terms but wouldn't talk nearly as often. That is until Dylan learned he had a brain tumor and needed surgery. This was obviously very heavy news and I tried to be there to support him as much as I could. I reassured him that everything would be ok and tried to make him feel as normal as possible by inviting him to stay with me for a while, helping with video ideas and just being there to talk. But as he slowly recovered I noticed he would bring up death and other existential topics more and more often. For a long while I listened and tried to respond the best I could but eventually it got to a point where I had to step away because my own mental health was suffering from it.
Eventually Dylan received professional help and it seemed he was back on track to stabilizing his mental health. The last few years we were slowly re-building our friendship but the journey was still quite the rollercoaster. Some days it felt like things were back to normal. We would play games and talk about life and video ideas. Other days I would wake up to paragraphs of existential crisis, very worrying claims and dangerous threats to me and himself. Through it all I tried to be there as much as I could, reading many long texts and trying to understand what he was going through but I felt like my help was never enough.
In the end I saw myself slowly growing distant again but always told myself "he will be okay" as he had been in the past. But obviously that wasn't the case. When I heard the news of his passing I couldn't help but feel like a part of me saw it coming but still couldn't quite process that he was really gone. I immediately went on Discord only to feel immensely disappointed in myself for not replying to his last message. I knew he was struggling and will always feel like I could've done more to help but his pain was far too much for any single person to handle.
To Dylan I want to say: I'm sorry... I'm sorry I couldn't be what you needed in a friend. I'm sorry my best wasn't enough. I'm sorry we didn't get to finish out last video together. I miss you Dylan and I hope wherever you are, you found the answers you were looking for.