I'm Done

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I'm writing this story here because despite my best efforts, no one is willing to hear it.

I joined this community a year ago to make friends because I was lonely. Besides the pandemic, a chronic illness keeps me bedridden. All of my high school friends are still around but driving to see them is a physical challenge for me. Add to that my fear of driving because of my severe treatment resistant depression and my home became a cage.

I don't want to waste my entire night weaving some sob story that no one cares to hear so I'll skip to the point.

This community is sick. And I am yet another casualty of that sickness.

I fell into watching vtubers because I was gullible. I like anime and I like people. The more I interacted with these talking anime people I began to think more and more how fun they were to be around. My first and ultimately fatal mistake was assuming any of these talking caricatures would be my friend.

As everyone seemingly already knows me and the horrible crimes I have committed, even though I am still clueless myself, I don't really see the point of protecting the anonymity of already anonymous public figures.

The first community I got heavily involved in was a community centered around the streamer batatvideogames. She's a great streamer, and I encourage you to check her out (so long as you can stomach the fringe "jokes" she makes). Just don't try and get to know her as a person. Stay far away from that line of thinking. Though she might smile at you and make you feel welcome, you are no friend to her, you are a username.

Moriko (batatvideogames) was the first streamer I ever really tried to get to know. She was entertaining and she could turn anything into a joke. For around six months I spent essentially all of my free time devoted to her community. I caught every stream, I talked every day in her discord, I made fan art, I even made a stupid little game in table top simulator out of her favorite meme for all of us to play (not that anyone was ever interested) and I did my best to get to know and be friendly towards everyone who was there. I even started memorizing birthdays. It wasn't without road bumps of course. I would occasionally speak out of line or say something she didn't appreciate. And every time that happened I would approach her or a mod afterwards with an apology and a game plan of how I would avoid such behavior in the future.

I think that habit was actually my undoing. If I do wrong, I approach someone, I apologize, and I promise to do better. And I do my best to live up to that promise. But in a giant community centered around one person, all that accomplished was to continuously label myself as a problem child. The tipping point was a discussion with some older regulars. We were talking about hot tub streams and they started talking about how they didn't like how much sex was being pumped into twitch. I expressed the opinion that violence was worse than sex and in the ensuing discussion, even though a mod was present, I was made out to be a fool, verbally abused, and otherwise humiliated for my opinion. I approached that mod later to apologize for speaking out of turn and after he told me he didn't like me, he stopped responding.

From that point on, everyone in the community began to treat me worse and worse. At one point it got so bad that regulars would frequently tell me to "shut the fuck up" in general chat. Me being the idiot that I am, I thought they were being funny.

An inciting incident happened when Moriko made a private and hidden VC for the community members she liked and tolerated. She was tired of how quickly she was growing and how many random people would join the VC she was in. So she made the "cooler VC" as she called it, invited all the regulars, mods, vips, and a few personal friends and started treating it like her secret club. It was the kind of secret that she would openly talk about but as soon as she was asked about it she would deny its existence.

Something didn't sit right with me so I dmd her with a simple question. Why wasn't I invited to the private vc?

She lied to my face. She told me it was experimental and that she had only given access to it to five others. I took her word for it. Later, I turned on better discord to check the hidden channels while I sat in general chat. I saw about 20 people in the "Cooler VC." Yeah, big whoop, the streamer lied to you to protect your feelings. That's exactly right. She lied to me to protect my feelings. I know now however that that wasn't for my sake. She never cared about me from the beginning. All she cared about was that I stayed a complicit fan and didn't cause problems.

So, I opened up a quart of whiskey and started drinking while I sat in general chat. I had the thought that, "hey, if any of these people are my friends, maybe they will join me." They did not, I finished the whisky, and I went to bed.

The next day, I left the discord because I felt like I was about to have a nervous breakdown. I felt like everyone I had been growing attached to over half a year were lying to me and secretly hated me. It would have been great if that weren't the case. But it was. People were tired of me. I was the annoying outspoken liberal who always felt the need to join the conversation. Of course if anyone had ever fucking told me that I would have packed my bags and left. But every time I asked a mod, a regular, or even moriko herself, I was assured all was well, I didn't have to worry, and that we were all friends.

Meanwhile they were all laughing behind my back and essentially using me as a toy to openly berate and humiliate while they kept up the illusion that it was all done in good fun. Then one day she just came up with some excuse to ban me from the community, telling me that I was making people uncomfy and some people had blocked me, and I was kicked before I could even say goodbye.

She let me stay in her twitch streams though, I assume so that I would keep on giving her money?

I tried to keep in touch with the people I met there. Some of them did, kind of. Then I messaged the oldest regular and asked how he was doing. He responded by calling me as selfish as the guy who shot john lenon, that I was retarded, that he was blocking me, and that moriko had promoted him to moderator for the sole purpose of being able to ban me from the community himself.

I messaged moriko about that and I was ghosted. I messaged mod after mod about that and I was ghosted. One mod finally got back to me, essentially told me it was a me problem, and that I should cut my losses.

I wasn't in a good place mentally at this point. I would join her streams to play pretend essentially with people I knew hated me. So I just did my best to match their humor. Maybe if I said the same kind of jokes they always did or maybe if I just explained myself better they would like me again. As it turns out, I think they were just collecting evidence on me to cross ban me. And cross ban me they did.

Moriko went on a long tirade on why hate raids were no big deal and were being blown out of proportion. I tried to argue with her, got humiliated by her again, and said that she should hate raid her friend shirara if it was such a trivial thing.

Then I was banned immediately.

I was also banned in shiraras channel, in eros's channel, and in koopa's channel.

I felt like I had had a good reputation in shirara's channel and eros's channel so I was very confused as no one ever gave me a reason for my ban. when I asked, I was ghosted. I never talked in koopa's channel. It was obvious I was being cross banned so I tried to explain the situation to each of them to no avail.

there were two incidents I should address in eros's and shirara's channels though. During a media share in eros's stream several memes that violated tos were shown and I tried to respectfully address that I was affected by them in their discord. I was banned from their discord for a month and from their stream for a week. A moderator approached me and asked me for my age. When I said I didn't want to tell them they threatened to permaban me. Soliciting private information is explicitly against tos, but I told them yes, I was over 18. Then they proceeded to lecture me on my behavior. When they told me that if I see something I don't like in a stream that I should leave. I got very angry. So I shared a martin luther king quote with them explaining that if you see something racist and walk away from it that you were part of the problem. I guess my mistake there was not sucking the dick of mod sama and telling them they were 100% in the right to ignore racism even though they just threatened to ban me unless I reveal personal information. But yeah, I was the bad guy in that conversation.

As for shirara I got really drunk and made a joke about her being man handled by a dark souls boss. I apologized profusely for that the next day but instead of responding to me she made a general post in discord not to dm her. After I was banned, she started telling people that I would make frequent sexual advances on her. Yeah, I would make jokes about her having a fat ass. But she also bragged about having a fat ass not two minutes before. But yeah, clearly I wanted to find out where she lived and sexually assault her.

At least thats how her mod and her mutual savi senpai treated me when I tried to get some answers out of them because, yeah, guess what, no one, to this point, had told me what I had done wrong. And no, telling someone that their behavior is suspicious is not telling them what they are doing wrong. Showing them their exact message that was questionable is whats called showing someone what they did wrong. Also, if I already apologized for it and changed for something I did, why would you continuously accuse me of it?

It doesn't matter. The point being, because her friend told her that I sexually harassed her savi was incredibly rude to me when I talked to her. I told her that her mod gave me a giant lecture in which he said I shouldn't chat in chat, that I was crazy, and that I probably had a mental illness. He also threatened to ban me the moment I step out of line in any chat he moderates.

I brought that up to savi as respectfully as possible, was talked down to like a child, and I was summarily banned from her stream even though I had never caused a problem in it.

She told me that I should reflect on my actions and that I was making a lot of streamers uncomfortable.

So I did that.

I approached every streamer I felt I was ever affectionate towards and I apologized if I had made them uncomfortable and I offered to leave their communities. Some got back to me. The vast majority ignored me.

One streamer in particular, Wispluna, went to a moderator discord and asked about me and why I was a target for moderation. No one could answer her because no one had recorded any problems with me. That didn't stop them from searching through all of their mod logs for any messages they found even slightly suspicious. They took dirty jokes made out of context and used them to label me a creep. Because I interacted with child like vtubers on twitter I was also suddenly a pedophile. Because I asked her once if she did community nights I was suddenly this creep that would repeatedly ask to vc with her. Because I added her to a list of streamers I liked I was a stalker.

I only saw any of this because I became a mod for Bimten and was invited to that server. When I read the messages I was disgusted that moderators across the community were contributing to essentially just a gossip rag for "sussy bakas" as they called their unsuspecting targets. Anyway, I apologized for being a problem and said I wouldn't start any drama. The head of the moderator guild assured me that they weren't here to spread drama and that as long as I had changed from the past I was welcome.

Of course that was also a lie as I was eventually banned from that place too.

Eventually moriko was brought up in bimtens stream as someone who uses mental disability tags in her stream titles as a joke. Bimten said she had problems with that behavior. When I said I also had problems with that behavior I was shut down. Then I was removed from the mod team because I badmouthed someone she respected. Then she went to ask about me to Moriko who she had never spoken to before. She came back hating me, she removed me from the community, she called me a horrible person and that I should leave twitch. Then she blocked me.

This was a streamer who literally said they loved me not an hour beforehand.

I messaged her with my known alternate account saying that I understand her decision but that she didn't need to harass me about something that happened in the past.

Then she screamed at me for harassing her and that was the last I spoke to bimten.

Bimten was told that I used bits in another streamers chat to badmouth moriko I guess.

Thats kind of true. Moriko and her community raided a stream I was watching and started spamming hate raid messages. She banned me for suggesting she hate raid her friend as a joke. Yet here she was actually hate raiding someone she didn't know as a joke. So with bits I said it was funny she was doing this since she banned me for suggesting it. Then everyone started verbally berating me for calling her out and both communities brigaded for my ban.

Its true, I shouldn't have brought drama into that streamers chat. So later, I bought her a gaming chair and apologized profusely, saying that it would never happen again. And it hasn't.

Anyway, thats everything that happened. Right now I am being banned and blocked by everyone I know as word spreads. Streamers who regularly claimed to love me and like me have removed me from their lives without another word.

That's fine. I'm just garbage to them after all. Why even say goodbye?

I never mattered to any of them in the first place.

No viewer actually matters to a vtuber. No matter what they claim. They love their chat. If they get rid of some chat members that are causing them problems their love affair with their chat won't change.

There's no consequence, I'm nothing but a memory to them now. But every time they speak of me I will lose more friends I hold dear.

Whatever.

I'm done.

You win

I'm not leaving twitch, why would I, I'll use this app just like it used me. By people pretending to care about me I was so easily conned out of all of my income, all of my time, and all of my affection by people who won't even tell me their real names.

Fuck it.

If you can't beat them, join them.

For those who hate me and are ready to tear me apart for this post, I welcome you to try. The more you abuse and berate me, the more defamation you spread about me, its just one more page in the case me and my lawyer will be making against your private businesses that are affiliated and partnered with twitch and discord. It is against tos to spread inflammatory information. I have shown it to you plainly, yet you continue. You have maliciously caused irreparable damage to my reputation, to my career, to my health, and to my sanity.

And I am not the first.

To anyone who has a similar story or any evidence of such I encourage you to dm me. Who knows, with enough people who are still alive after this abuse maybe we can file a class action lawsuit. At the very least, rather than disappear, it's time we started giving back to this community.

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