Luna Flina · @luna_flina
28th Dec 2021 from TwitLonger
Story behind Sakura, Moyu. the chart
“Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.”
― Cesar A. Cruz
For the longest time since I started making a chart, in fact it was since October 2015, I wanted to get into making them for rather complicated reasons. For many people, their main purpose is out of as a hobby. They can try competing for the most insane things to impress others; they can try giving the players a pleasurable experience for the game; they can do whatever to contribute for the game in any meaningful way. As for me, I never really cared about how other people's impressions and enjoyments are. I experimented multiple things throughout my works but their ultimate purpose is just for my own self. Perhaps they are something to mark my accomplishments, I don't know. I was just looking for an answer. Have any of my charts done enough to represent something artistic? Is that really my true goal in this path?
When you think twice about it, saying charting is an art is the most nonsensical, stupidest thing ever. The process of making a chart is plain mechanical and basic: You just place down notes in accordance to the rhythm while leaving rooms for players to be able to follow the song through playing the chart. The song by itself serves a form of art here. It can bring out impressions and emotions of the listener, regardless of where or when you hear it. When you make the chart for it, you are just following how it's supposed to show. You simply don't create anything to reflect any other emotions. At the end of day, the chart is supposed to let the players enjoy the game. Why should they care about what the charter wants when what they do might not be how the song artist wants to convey at all?
Seeing other charters saying the same purpose as how I initially thought just makes me laugh. Yet I am still here, chasing for the cake. I am just living in denial and I know it. What achievements did I get by doing this for over 6 years when I could have learned something else more useful in life? How many people have really known about me and my goals? What I have done is just inside a very niche circle and I shouldn't expect to make significant changes to the world of art or the rhythm game scene. In the end, the charts I made are still for myself, like a catalyst to search for anything meaningful at all.
Since this is already a rather personal story, I'll just confess that this next chart of mine will say something about my life. In decades, I don't really fit in well with anyone. At best people will just consider that I "exist". I can join and hang out with groups of people normally since nobody really hates me, but I cannot talk with everyone that much due to my eccentricity. It's not like I wanted to change myself for the better or to escape depression. In fact I was quite contented with being drifted along life like that. Inside, I wanted to search for something. It could be tranquility, melancholy, an escape of reality, etc. As long as I still feel life is worth living at least.
Unfortunately, being in this path means you face a lot of loneliness. I don't expect to get to know people, either online or in real life anyway. I don't expect people to understand me either. I honestly never said these personal matters of mine to anyone at all, including my family. Even for you who are reading this, how much do you really get me?
I chose this path also because of rather dark reasons. I intentionally locked these deeper feelings inside, and didn't want to express myself out, because I am a deranged soul aiming for something considered taboo by society. If you know about it enough then you've most likely seen many of the same case. I cannot change my way anymore. This is the only thing making me feel happy and alive, because it is the only thing I could fully dedicate my love to. Even if it destroyed me, it is the only thing pushing me to carry on.
And through that, I met "her".
Only her.
There are myriad of things I want to say about her, to say to her, but this is not the place for it. Let's just say it is a story I could never tell, especially to her, because she is not within my reach anymore. In fact, she was never supposed to in the first place.
So with that as the ultimate reason, I have decided to finish this chart with my absolute efforts, to not just create a good chart but to represent a story.
If you believe that charting is a form of art, don't try to prove me so through what you can do or anything. Just tell me, have I done right?
What feelings have you gotten from this chart?