Just explaining some things + venting before I disappear for good

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So its obvious nobody wants me around anymore but feeling frustrated that I had no way to vent so just wanted to say a few things and hopefully if anyone who this applies to reads this you will be more open minded about how you're effecting people in the future

I'm sure there will be criticism if anyone reads this but I don't have anything left to lose it seems

So before I officially fell down the rabbit hole and met some amazing people I was in a very bad way. In fact I was VERY close to ending it all due to everything just becoming too much for me to deal with anymore. But I was pulled away from those feelings when I was welcomed into the community. I felt appreciated and important for the first time in my life. One person in particular made me feel especially valued. As did her community

Maybe it sounds extreme from your perspective but they may very well have saved my life

However things changed. Admittedly I did a few dumb things even early on but the hate and ridicule I got made it hard to still be part of the community. And it only got worse as time went on. Some people obviously couldn't forgive me and some I guess were just jealous of the attention I was given. Not really sure what there was to be jealous of, I was simply noticed for my loyalty. Not like I was the only one

Then I was made aware of the 4chan threads. I mean I always knew I would be mocked for my behavior but actually seeing it still had a big impact on me. Especially as some topics being discussed were things only people I considered my friends could know. Private things I told them in confidence. Seeing entire threads dedicated to laughing at how pathetic I was. It hurt

As for the recent incident yes I was completely out of line but she's my friend and I was worried and wanted to express my concern. Am I really the only person to do that? I knew I would be criticized but didn't think people would go as far as they did. People I thought were my friends turning on me instantly. They say you learn who your true friends are when you hit rock bottom. But so many were quick to join and support the hate train. I know I fucked up but I thought at least some of you valued me more than that

This doesn't apply to everyone. I know there are great people doing amazing things so if any of them see this you know who you are. Please don't take offence

Nobody wants to remember any of the positive things. Don't want to sound entitled or arrogant but its not like I have anything else to lose if I do. The Discord servers were created because of me. How important have they become for the community?
I opened a Minecraft server for members to play. Did we not make good memories with her there? I convinced her to buy the chair she really wanted (along with a donation covering most of the cost) and said it was from us all. Did that mean nothing to anyone? Did you all forget? Guess none of that matters when you also make mistakes

Didn't that person once say "When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond." ?

I didn't think this community would turn on me as soon as it had a reason. And I'm sure that's not what she would have wanted either. Used to be such a close and supportive fanbase. Did it change or did I just push myself out?
Either way I am back where I started before I found the community. Just got a lot more haters now. I am NOT okay

And I know It looks like I am playing victim and yeah, maybe I am to some extent but its not like any sympathy from the community would make me feel any better at this point. Would just be making yourself look fickle

Anyway the biggest point I wanted to make was if this happens to someone else maybe stop and think about how they must be feeling and what might be going on inside their head before you join the hate train or mock them. You don't know how much damage you could be doing. Or maybe some of you do and just don't care. Or maybe you even enjoy it. Its become hard to tell

Either way its clear I can't come back without upsetting or angering people and causing more trouble. So I guess that's the end

That's everything. Hope this makes some of you consider other peoples feelings a little more if you are faced with similar situations in the future

Sorry for everything

Otsu

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