I'll keep this first bit to the point before I dive into things and explain my thoughts afterwards. I'll be a free agent looking to compete again as a player heading into the next transfer window for R6. My mental state is as of now the best it has ever been in my opinion, and I want to build a dynasty. Any professional teams/organizations interested in working with me feel free to reach out via DM's or by email: email@example.com
The rest of this post mostly will be to explain a lot of my thoughts over the last few months. Which I hope will provide some clarity for anyone who may now feel mislead by my original announcement when I stepped down.
When I made the decision and the announcement I always knew that of course in the future there was always the possibility I would come back and play again. However, at the time I couldn't see how I'd get there so I never wanted to give any sort of false hope. To be honest, I also thought I understood how I was feeling a lot better than I actually did. Contrary to my trash talk I am actually quite young with a lot to learn.
SI2021 was an important event for me to start understanding my situation a lot better, so big thanks to Luke for not having that passport renewed! When Lycan called me to ask me about filling in for the event, the first thing I asked him was what other options they had. I knew that I still didn't have the same passion, hunger, and drive I had always prided myself on. I could show up to practice and do my part but I knew I wouldn't have the drive to do more than what was asked of me. This is how I felt for the better part of 2020 as well and was the reason why I decided to stepped down. I wasn't okay with just showing up and playing, collecting my cheque. With all this in mind, when it was decided that I would fill in, I still didn't really have any desire to come back long term, so that's what I communicated when I announced it.
Turns out of course, once I played internationally again, most of that would change. All of a sudden at the event I'm back in a flow state, constantly watching and thinking about the game, picking up all sorts of different ideas to share with the team. It was the closest I had felt to being myself in a long time. While most of it was too little too late for our actual run at the event, it clearly showed to me that I still had my drive and passion to compete in Siege. This was a big realization for me, but I still knew that I needed more time off to myself before completely deciding on whether or not to return.
Me having these sort of thoughts while simultaneously playing what was supposed to be my last tournament and eventually map in Siege resulted in me making some rushed decisions as far as what I would communicate to you guys. Most notably my "final" interview with Jess and Dev. I'm still not entirely sure how I should have handled the situation to be honest. After our match vs Team oNe I was immediately approached to give a farewell interview so to speak. I felt pretty torn. Part of me of course wanted to do the interview because as far as I was concerned there was still a chance that after the event after having more time to think on it, I still wouldn't want to come back. However, another part was aware that I could very well be playing again in a few months time. This resulted in me giving an interview where I felt pretty disconnected and also misleading. I want to apologize for that, I didn't like how I handled the situation and like I said earlier I hope this post can bring some clarity to it.
After coming back home from SI, I had two main objectives in mind. First, was to take the time to truly think about my situation and make sure if I wanted to return to playing it was with a long term vision in mind. The other was to work on building healthier habits into my lifestyle with the free time I have in order to be a more well equipped and consistent version of myself for whatever I decided to do next. I've done a ton of reading, VOD watching, note taking, reflecting, planning, and a little bit of golfing to fill the hours in between. After about a month+ of it I only find myself becoming more and more motivated. I truly believe this is the best mental state I have ever been in. I can't wait to find a new team to working with, I have a lot more I want to bring to the table than I ever have before.
Stay tuned and see you soon.