Alanah Pearce · @Charalanahzard
4th May 2021 from TwitLonger
I’ve been extremely concerned that posting this would just bring vitriol and unwanted attention to marginalized people who are dealing with a lot of shit right now, and that my input on this isn’t anywhere near as important as the other conversations that are happening in the content creation space. I have decided to post it despite these concerns because I think opting not to and continuing business as usual is just insulting in the face of people who don’t have that option. I also think everyone should be accountable for the shit they say, and the mistakes they make.
So, at the beginning of a Jackbox charity stream, I said “get your racial slurs out now”. This is in reference to popular streamers, or people playing with them, notoriously making really insensitive jokes while playing those exact games. It happened a matter of days before this stream. It’s very cynical, with the intended recipient of that joke being shitty streamers, but it’s clearly also harmful, and dismissive of something that actually affects other people, and not me.
I haven’t seen people come to me about this, but to be accountable:
I was streaming with three BIPOC (I mention this because I think it’s relevant to the context of my fuck-up), and it came up that I have never tried Kool-Aid/even seen what it looks like. The people I was streaming with were shocked. I said ‘I’m foreign!’ and as it continued, said ‘I’m from Australia!’, but they continued to be shocked by it. Eventually I said “did I just commit a hate crime?” and the stream continued without any mention of it. This is something I have said a number of times before, always in reference to people being very shocked by something mundane. I’ve also used it regarding someone else making a mundane but unusual choice, I’m just going to link these tweets to own up to this: https://twitter.com/Charalanahzard/status/1105322991355715584?s=20 & https://twitter.com/Charalanahzard/status/1113256096477609984?s=20$. After this stream, one of the people I was streaming with *did* reach out to hold me accountable when someone who was watching her stream came to her about it. I reached out to the other person present in the stream to apologize and make sure I addressed it with them as well. I was truthfully absolutely mortified that it had upset someone who was watching the stream, especially because it’s a phrase I had used somewhat frequently. I obviously realize now that using that phrase when talking to black creators has a different context, but I also recognize that calling minor things ‘hate crimes’ as a joke is an idiotic, insensitive thing I’ve been doing, and it’s so easy for me to find *anything else* to say in those situations. I do also have a habit of saying “is this harassment?” in a similar ‘mundane’ context which is similarly problematic, that I figured I’d just own up to as I try to correct it.
These are explanations for people who were very specifically asking for me to explain them in detail, as well as my best attempt at holding myself accountable, but I’m not trying to excuse these things. It hurt people, and that’s the last thing I ever want to do, and I’m sorry. I *always* want to learn and to grow, but it shouldn’t be on anyone else to teach me to be more mindful with my sense of humour.