James Banks 🇺🇦 #StandWithUkraine 🇺🇦 · @BanKsEsports
19th Apr 2021 from TwitLonger
Depression. I didn't think I would ever be back here.
I wasn’t really sure if I was going to post this because it doesn’t feel as bad as before, yet I believe it is important because I have always spoken openly about my struggles with depression and if this could help just one person, especially in these times, it is worth it, with many of us being stuck at home, unable to live a normal life and cases of depression are rising rapidly
Never stop paying attention to yourself. I recovered from depression many years ago when my son was born, a proud moment where I needed to step up for my family, I’ve had ups and downs like anyone would have in life but never felt like I did back then, back then I couldn’t even go to work, I couldn’t leave the house, I wanted to die...
Since COVID started I have been fortunate to still be working and do the things I absolutely love. I feel like I am one of the luckiest people in the world, coming from where I’m from and now waking up every day with purpose - living the dream. What I hadn’t done was check in with myself enough and maybe I pushed myself a little bit too hard at times and lost sight of what is important.
Over the last couple of months I have certainly been down, I was struggling to get out of bed unless I had work, I wasn’t even going to the gym as much as I did, recently it has been maybe 1 or 2 times a week when I usually go 4+.
I didn’t really pay attention to it, I was snappy with friends and less kind for sure, even tweeted more aggressively and having a different reaction than what I would like to have done to things, felt like the old me was coming back.
I haven’t seen my son due to COVID since last year with the United Kingdom being in such a bad state but we still get to do a lot of video calls and voice notes with each other. This was starting to really get to me, I would cry after calls with him, the thought of not being able to play with my son, hold him, love him like I do, anyone that knows me, knows he is the most important thing in my life, he gives me reason to be good and do good. I think I didn’t really understand how hard it was to change the way that I think and act from the life I was in before esports, it takes constant work.
This on top of a few things personally going bad, losing a loved one and the fact I started drinking more finally made me see that something wasn’t right. I was in jail in my own head again, I even started to wonder if I even wanted to be alive. The thing is this can creep up on you, even when you don’t expect it.
You can’t mask the pain, you can’t run from these things, everything must be dealt with and this is just the start of it.
I’ve openly spoken about and tried to help people with depression and how I dealt with it at the time. I honestly thought I would never get it back, I thought I was stronger now but I visited a doctor and he confirmed the thoughts I had, I have hit a bit of a slump, I thought how can I be back here when my life really is great, I’ve gone from a street kid to someone that has a life that I couldn’t even dream of having when growing up. The thing I am learning now is that material things really don’t complete you, yet it is pushed on us as the biggest motivators in society. Get the nice house, the nice car or whatever else, yet when you get there, you can still feel empty. That saying that money can’t buy happiness is true.
I am writing this more to show to other people who had depression before and didn’t notice it coming back for whatever the reasons are, just to pay attention to themselves. It is always worth checking in on yourself and seeing even if you just have a feeling or whatever it may be.
I have a few more weeks of work to do and then I am going to take some much needed time off, I plan to visit a center to go through some therapy, to try and deal with past traumas that the doctor still thinks could be troubling me. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again, I want to have clearer thoughts and this should be very good for me.
I am brave enough to say this out loud, a lot of things made me emotionally switched off growing up, now it is time for me to solve it and continue to move forward, adversity in life is constant, it is how we deal with it that matters. I want to take the negative energy I have and turn it into something positive.
Look after yourselves, look after your friends, check in on them if you notice something changing. I am blessed to have a lot of good people around me to help me but not everyone is so lucky, the best thing to do in my eyes is keep moving, keep doing because when you stop it feels like you are dying and trapped.