Rini · @lidlRini

18th Jan 2021 from TwitLonger

TL;DW Zalae and his abuse in our relationship

I really don't think much will come of this, Zalae will likely deny or just duo stream with some friends, maybe take some time off, go visit his current girlfriend, whatever it takes to ignore discussing it. But I'm tired of keeping quiet and I really wanted his current girlfriend to see this because honestly, I can't deal with the idea of her possibly getting hurt like this or worse, and it would be on my conscience for not speaking up.

I tried to record this MANY times keeping his name out of my mouth but the editing was just too painful and I gave him multiple chances to speak to me regarding these things despite my therapist's direct orders to never speak with him again, but all have been unanswered and the more recent one has been sitting for over a month, and he's chosen not to say anything.

I'm going in order of big things > small

The last night we lived together, Zalae repeatedly was taunting/body posturing at me like he was going to hit me, closing me into small spaces, making himself appear bigger/threatening and physically grabbing my wrists tightly to hold me in the small spaces (there were about 10 - 13 occasions where I told him to back away because he was scaring me, and he would back away "oh gosh, sorry, you're right" before simply doing it again, all the meanwhile yelling at me with his face right in front of mine and refusing to sit down and compromise, which I had been trying to do the entire time
-This resulted in me giving 2 open-handed arm slaps I laid on the middle of his arm (-the biggest part- he's way bigger than me & I didn't use real force behind it, it was a warning because words were not helping and he was very scary)-
I was very clear to him about how he was scaring me and repeatedly vocalized this and kept moving my position to give myself more space so he would realize how enclosed I had been, but he continued closing me in and backing me into the counters or walls.

The second slap resulted in him physically picking me up and dragging me to the bedroom, throwing me on the bed, physically got on top of me and put a pillow over my face while holding me down, effectively suffocating me until I managed to get a breath to yell "I can't breathe!!"
He was in such a rage, he perhaps didn't even see what he was doing but I guess that snapped him out of it, so he got off of me. Woke me up early the next morning and he told me I had less than 24 hours to get out of his house and that -I- was abusive and he didn't feel safe.
I can't believe I believed him. But he also refused to listen to anything I would say about what he did, and in his mind I seriously believe he thinks because he didn't physically hit me, that somehow washes away his actions.
Zalae was incredibly emotionally abusive, telling me things like "you're not good enough" and "you're on a maternal clock, so you need to be better/what I want before you run out of time to have kids"
Oh, also - Get this.
Apparently he HAS to cum every day (which I accommodated) but when I explain I get off better with oral, he demands I apologize and says it's a big ask/time commitment because he had done it recently.
He would often argue just to be the winner of an argument (the FEW we had that were all small and insignificant) rather than usual level-headedness.
It was all about control. How dare I stand up for myself.
He needs serious help.
He needs to go to anger management.
He needs to realize he was in the wrong and that he instigated and intentionally threatened me with his body language and then eventually actual force because I wanted to compromise and he couldn't stand that he wasn't "winning the argument" instead of working with his girlfriend on an issue he was fully aware of.

The most frustrating part is, we really clicked, we really got along and I was never under the impression anything was wrong until he would come to me, frustrated that I wasn't working out enough. Like seriously, that was his reasoning even though we were going on walks/runs every day. He brought this up every 2-3 weeks for the 10 weeks I lived there despite acting like everything was perfectly fine otherwise.
He refused to help me along the way with working out for example until I really pulled his teeth about it and begrudgingly did so.
I frequently made myself available to him, but he expected me to simply do things because that's what he expected.
He's a control freak and it's really obvious he viewed us as a transactional relationship, nothing more. His lack of respect towards me has been appalling and I tried to not talk about it because I didn't want to affect his career but I'm sick of being quiet. His girlfriend deserves to know and I can't move on without this being said.

I've removed myself from the Hearthstone community because I just can't deal being around it/him despite having so many friends and people I respect in it.
I have had immense anxiety about going live because I don't know what to do anymore, or who I should be.

This is also a large reason I've been in search of community management/social media management positions, because honestly this has really ruined a lot about streaming as a whole for me.
I don't really have variety friends who I think want to play games with me, and I just feel like this break up has taken so much from me. But I needed to say this so you can all understand my hiatus and why I've felt so trapped and confused lately.
I don't know what else to say, but I'm open to answer more questions, because I definitely missed things between these two.
Oh, also if you want to continue supporting him, that's your prerogative, and I'm not suggesting you stop. But I also want you to know he's kind of shitty.
Thanks for listening/reading.
FWD: Thank you to those who encouraged me to speak up. I couldn't have done this without each of you.

Reply · Report Post