dellor · @dellor

13th Dec 2020 from TwitLonger

my life, and streaming, with aspergers

It has always been extremely difficult for me to express myself and be comfortable around other people. I was never really interested in things that other kids around me were and found it really hard to make friends.

My parents split when I was young. My mom had to raise us by herself. We were poor and were forced to move alot to stay with friends, family, in hotels, and sometimes being homeless. This, in combination with my difficulty to have relationships with people made it really hard for me to ever make friends.

I was never able to socialize and make friends normally. I resorted to causing trouble, being a class clown, etc. The few friends I did make ended up turning on me because of my abrasive personality and the outlandish things I did. Their parents stopped letting them hang out with me because I was "weird" and a "troublemaker".

With all the moving, stress, drugs, and failed relationships, I pretty much gave up on school and relationships in the outside world and secluded myself entirely. I always loved and played video games but that became the only thing I did. It was the only thing I could control and accel at in my life. I dropped out of school, stopped hanging out with friends and stopped going outside. I spent so much time along playing video games that I forgot how to speak for a while.

Streaming wasn't a thing back then and there was no money involved. A handful of people had made like $50 at Quake Lans and I think Fatal1ty was selling mousepads or something back then but other than that it was just the competitive passion that drove me. All I cared about was being the best so I could prove I was useful at something and to earn respect, even if it was only from a handful of people online that I would never meet.

I am extremely lucky to be where I am at. There's a lot more to this story and I don't want to go into all the details, but I had accepted that I would never be successful or achieve anything in life. Eventually streaming and sponsorships became a thing and here we are now. It's been tough and there have been a lot of obstacles but I have achieved something I never dreamed of. In a few years my entire life has transformed, and for that I thank all of you that watch me.

As far as me having aspergers - I don't really like to talk about it but I've been inspired by someone to write something so here it is: It feels strange sharing a label with so many other people even though we are all individuals, but I guess that's how diagnosis work. If you know someone that you believe might have a mental disorder, try to help them if you can. My entire life my family, friends, and teachers told me and discussed amongst themselves that I probably have a few disorders but I was never put into any sort of program or taken to a doctor or anything.

Get or give help. There have been times where I have been so frustrated where I have kicked a wall over and over until I broke my toe. Or got so angry all I could do was forcefully rub my forehead against the carpet until I got a rug burn so bad it burnt my skin. I think the best thing to do to help someone with aspergers/autism is to be aware of what is happening or could happen. Sometimes we can get so upset and frustrated that all we can do is scream or break things or even self harm. It can get really bad. I think this is due to a feeling of not being able to ever express yourself no matter how hard you try through words no matter how hard you want the other person to understand. If this is happening to someone you know who has or might have autism, try to understand their frustration and just slow down or even stop the conversation and try to make them aware that you are willing to take all the time it takes to help or understand them.

Another issue I personally have is being too honest or blunt. It took me a long time to realize this was an issue. If someone asked how they looked, I wouldn't hesitate to straight up tell them they looked ugly if that's how I felt. It hurts too because you aren't trying to hurt their feelings. You are trying to give your honest opinion in the hopes of helping them. I have hurt many people and have destroyed many relationships because of this.

Impulsivity. Sometimes someone with autism will feel so angered or passionate about something that they do not stop to think about the reprocussions of their actions. I don't really know how you can help someone with this, but I am not an expert, I am just trying to give any advice I can. It took me learning on my own from many mistakes and destroying many things and relationships. If you share this disorder, my advice to you is to do your best to supress your emotions at that time and to do your best to think about the reproccusions of your actions in the future, even if it makes you feel better temporarily. Easier said than done right?

So here's my deal. I'm still a streamer and an entertainer (at least try to be residentsleepers in chat). I am still impulsive. I am still passionate about video games, and I still have anger issues. I have grown a lot and have learned to be more controlling of my emotions, but I still want to be me. That will never change. Widepeepohappy


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