My Side of the Story

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Before I begin, I want to tell you all that I’m sorry. There are a lot of people I’ve hurt, and the time has come to atone for the pain I’ve caused. The time has finally come to tell my story - at least, my side of the story presented in Xandu’s statement. There are a series of screenshots in that package of receipts that, on the surface, serve to implicate Lollia in the actions of what
has been called a “spying server”. My statement here will shed some light on the existence of these screenshots. And there are some things that I want to make very clear. Here, I will address the following topics:

The nature of the server in question, the "blacklist," and the actions and words of the people involved.
The reasoning behind said actions.
What has happened since.

The first thing that I want to make clear is the following: Lollia should not be held responsible for the content of the screenshots made in 2018. She did not create the list in question, nor did she request or encourage the stalking and harassment towards Xandu on his Discord server and so on. Where do I fit into this? It’s time we started at the beginning…

It is at this point that I will stress that in this statement, I will not be revealing the identities of the others who were involved in my specific role in the situation.

Lollia and I became close friends sometime in May of 2017. That was also around the time that the Ascension Chorus Battle was coming up. During this time, she confided in me regarding what had previously happened in her relationship with Xandu, as well as the role in this story played by the person I will only address as "Ace of Clubs." To be clear, Lollia would only vent when this topic came up. I was only privy to this information because she trusted me. Based on what I’d heard, I believed that Lollia’s group could potentially be a target for any harassing behavior that was directed towards her.

With that sentiment in mind, I spoke to a small group of people I trusted to keep the situation private and explained it to them. What I told them is as follows: Our intent was to watch for any signs of suspicious behavior, and if we ever came across evidence of such, we would report it to the Ascension staff. That’s how this entire sordid chapter begins - a small group of us monitoring Ascension from behind the scenes with the intent of looking out for Lollia’s group.

After EXODUS announced their withdrawal from further competition after Level 2, we stopped monitoring the situation. It was then that we asked ourselves the question - “What are we going to do with our server?” In the aftermath, it was repurposed into a hangout. (More on that later on the track.)

Throughout the months of January and February 2018, I heard more details about the relationship between Lollia and Xandu from various sources. Among the items in question were: Xandu constantly flirting with other women while still dating Lollia and the other individuals he dated - specifically two other women to whom I will refer to as "Jack of Diamonds" and "Queen of Spades." I had heard from multiple sources a repeated pattern that included cheating and emotional abuse of his partners after his relationship with Lollia in 2015. I remember feeling a mix of emotions with each story I heard - anger, fear, sadness. Especially when I remember learning that in the aftermath of the breakup, Lollia had been effectively ostracized from the Youtaite community. One particular story that got my attention was Queen of Spades' still strong ties to Xandu and the fact that she'd brought him aboard as an animator for a major project (under a different name, allegedly). Given what I'd heard prior to this development, I was concerned that it would give him access and means to potentially prey on unsuspecting minors (again, previous concerns based on rumors I had heard from various sources).

Looking back, this whole episode was set into motion because of several factors. First was my own paranoia based on what I'd heard about Xandu (both from Lollia herself, but also others through the grapevine). In addition, during that summer in 2017, I'd also started hearing other reports about a separate individual who was allegedly preying on underage members of the Youtaite community. But above all else, what drove me was a sense of justice and wanting to look out for the people around me.

So in January 2018, with everything I'd heard in these calls in mind, I assembled the group of people that I'd brought together back in August 2017. This time, since we were preparing for another major chorus battle that was coming up within the next two months, we recruited a few more people from various areas of the Youtaite community with the purpose of gathering information on anything involving Xandu (who, at the time, was listed as a mixer for one of the groups).

It is also at this time that I must address the nature of the "blacklist" that has surfaced in that package of receipts. First and foremost, it was never intended to be an out-and-out blacklist. The three tiers of the list indicated how we should handle all our interactions with certain people within the community, in case some kind of situation were to arise that needed to be reported for the safety of others. Broken down, they are as follows:

Sprinkles (White-Flag): the lowest level, which meant we could communicate with these people on at least a professional and cordial level, while still keeping them at arm's length.
Whipped Cream (Yellow-Flag): the middle tier. For these people, we would exercise a slightly higher degree of caution, in order to avoid any errors in communication.
Chocolate Fondue (Red-Flag): the highest level of severity. Anyone in this tier was to be avoided at all costs or at least approached with extreme caution. Note that the two names in that tier that appear in that particular screencap are Xandu and Ace of Clubs.

With one exception, the majority of the people on the list were associated with Xandu on some level. Nyazuru's name was there because we'd heard some reports about some of his own suspect behavior, including flirting with minors. By this time, the server from which the list originated had become merely a hangout and a safe space for which anyone who'd been harassed or victimized could share their struggles or vent. But there is no denying that observing Xandu and his various connections was the original purpose, until we received news of the Bubbles scandal (where another Youtaite had been called out for sexual harassment and lewd behavior towards minors) toward the tail end of 2017.

In February 2018, I received word from a friend (whom I will simply refer to as "Joker”) that they could put me in contact with Xandu so I could hear his side of the story. I'd been curious as to what he was going to say, but I was also nervous about the prospect of communicating with him directly. So I created an alternate account and entered a call with him and Joker on the day in question. We spoke for a while, and he answered every question that Joker and I asked him, including responding to the question regarding his alleged sexual assault of Lollia. I then asked him if he would be willing to share anything that could confirm his side of the story. It was then that he sent over an entire folder containing the majority of the correspondence that has since been revealed in his own statement. I was in shock…

Though he showed the receipts of Lollia exhibiting manipulative and jealous behavior back in 2015, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and my gut was telling me he may not be giving me the whole truth. Not to mention the events that transpired in Lollia’s statement mostly took place offline and behind closed doors. I did express toward the end of the call that I simply wanted what was best for Lollia. One thing that stands out to me about that call was that even at the time, I felt Xandu was surprisingly chill with no distress in his voice. It felt like the entire conversation seemed a little too calm and rehearsed. I felt little emotion to his voice as he recounted his side, even as he delved into the uglier details of his side of the story, from his perspective. (This is not to imply he was being dishonest with his statement, but to explain how I perceived things at the time and why I acted in the ways that I did.)

So there I was, having heard BOTH sides of the story, and I didn’t know what to make of it.

However, there WAS another detail that stuck out to me that didn’t quite sit well. Toward the tail end of the call, I asked him if there were people I could trust and whom I could also ask for insight. I mentioned Ace of Clubs, Jack of Diamonds, Queen of Spades, and another person to whom I’ll only address as Ace of Spades. He said that I could definitely trust Ace of Clubs, Queen of Spades, and Ace of Spades. But he wasn’t entirely sure about Jack of Diamonds. My first thought was “Did I hear this right???” since it seemed there was distrust even within this circle. (It should be stated that I was muted and simply typing in the group chat while he spoke on call himself, so the only record available of the conversation is what I myself typed, and I cannot corroborate his statement above.)

Above all else, I do not recall him ever taking any sort of accountability for his role in the events he described. (In stark contrast, I personally believe Lollia has since taken accountability for her behavior by being able to recognize the ways in which she was toxic, especially as a teenager.)

Even with that one doubt still lingering in my mind, the inescapable fact remained that again, Xandu had shown me receipts that only served to make him and the Ace of Clubs appear 100% innocent while simultaneously painting a very nasty picture of Lollia from a behavioral standpoint in 2015. However, I hoped I could find someone else who could give us anything ironclad that would at least call his account into question. And even looking at the photos in the package, I had a faint inkling that their contents appeared one-sided and cherry-picked.

By the summer of 2018, this entire mission trying to uncover information regarding Xandu and Lollia’s relationship had taken a toll on everyone involved, and we were all also dealing with other things. So we agreed that it was finally time to put an end to this whole ordeal and move forward with our own lives as a collective. Not a word has been said of this matter since then, until Xandu's statement.

Since then, I have reflected on this situation and wondered “Were we wrong in getting involved?” And every time I ask myself this question, the same answer always arrives as follows: "I don't regret the reason behind this because I truly believed I was helping my friend. But if we could do this entire year over again, I never would've gotten involved the way I did, and I never would've dragged others into a conflict that they weren't even a part of in the first place." That applies not only to the group of people I asked to aid me in my endeavor, but to the people whose names were placed on the Sprinkles, Whipped Cream, and Chocolate Fondue list. To all of you who were involved in both aspects, I am truly and deeply sorry for the way I treated you all.

One other item I will address is the addition of a server that was mentioned on the list (which, from my understanding, includes Xandu and someone whom I will only address as King of Hearts. I have never been in that server, and I was not among the people who entered for the purpose of harassing Xandu in the voice chat. In fact, that tidbit came up during the course of my conversation with Xandu himself. It should also be mentioned that while the concept of the list was indeed my original idea, another individual in the server typed it out in the chat, and made edits along the way over a period of time.

Another item that requires addressing is the pair of screenshots that show the messages between Lollia and two other individuals. In the first screenshot (which involves Lollia and Aerie), the latter does mention Xandu's conduct towards her in the form of the overly flirtatious messages he allegedly sent her via Skype (again, there are no receipts to confirm her statement). The first screenshot was taken in a closed safe space between trusted friends. Lollia was willing to share her truth believing that the information wouldn’t be spread around, that it was a place for her to feel safe and validated.

The second screenshot is a DM between Lollia and an unidentified individual who makes it clear that any information that is received regarding Xandu must be "fully verified, with no surprises." I am the second person in that correspondence. However, it must also be stressed that I had also shared this particular screenshot with a select group of people whom I trusted. The only reason that screenshot is in Xandu's bag of receipts is because it was leaked. That communication was meant to remain confidential. I'm sorry, Lollia, for sharing that message with other people, because it should have remained private.

As I said before, the secret server that several of us belonged to was merely a hangout and supposed to be a safe space for people to vent and share their struggles. It has since evolved into an open hangout server that still contains such safe spaces. The "blacklist" was merely intended to be a guideline for how to handle certain communications with people in the community. And at the time of the episode in question, all of us involved, at one point in time, believed that we were helping one of my close friends.

Regardless of the original purpose of the mission, it still does not change the fact that I willingly got involved in a situation that I was not a part of and blew it further out of proportion than it needed to be. I accept all responsibility for my role in this situation.

I would like to take these next few paragraphs to address a few people.

Lollia, I'm thankful and honored to count you as one of my closest friends and am proud of the growth you’ve undergone. I'm sorry that I took the situation as far as it ended up going, and in the end caused more trouble for you. When you confided in me, I should have kept those details to myself, and never gotten involved to the degree that I did. And you're not responsible for the actions I took and the words I said.

Xandu, while I had my concerns and doubts about the kind of person you are, it still did not give me the right to do what I did, and for that, I am sorry. Just as I decided to leave the situation alone after I heard your side two years ago, I'm taking this time to reaffirm that I have not revisited the situation since. However, even though I'm not aiming to reopen hostility between you and I, it doesn't change the fact that there are portions of your story that still don't add up. But I'm leaving this alone so I can move on, you can move on, and most importantly, everyone involved can move on.

On the subject of the people I trusted in this endeavor: I thank you for having aided me in that time that we were active in this situation, and I'm sorry once again for getting you involved in the first place where it was not my place to. With that said, I specifically chose the people I did to help me because I trusted each and every single one of you. The fact that some of our confidential communication ended up in Xandu's receipt package is a breach of that trust. That having been said, I have no intention of holding a grudge toward anyone involved in this latest series of events. I would like to move on, and hopefully the rest of us can move on as well.

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