hexagrams · @hexagrams
17th Aug 2020 from TwitLonger
5700 words On Stress, Anxiety, Insomnia.
I'm a very private person who lives a public life, so this is out of character for me. However, I've been stunned by the support from the community, and thought it might do some good to shed some light on my mental state, and the reasons I had an out of character broadcast.
1) Stress
One of the things that makes me a solid broadcaster, is that I don't get stress or anxiety during the cast. I never really feel it. Not for online events, not for big live crowds. I never feel it; not at the time. But that stress goes somewhere, and I recall sometimes after big events, or even after doing our show at the arena, I'd sit up and end up shaking, just a ball of nerves and stress that I had relocated. This ability to 'put-off' stress has bled into other areas of my life, and when I have a lot going on, I feel particularly pressured or stressed, I put it somewhere else, but lately I've not been getting around to dealing with it, so it's just sitting somewhere weighing on me even though I don't realize it.
2) Anxiety
This is probably my biggest mental issue, more than one person in my family has had anxiety disorders. I've been close to starting to take medication for this issue, but I've decided against it because I've seen anti-anxiety medication affect people close to me in ultra-negative ways, so I've tried to find more natural ways to deal with this, however, with the world on fire it has been much more difficult. Yoga and exercise have worked well in this area, but one of the little things that ends up making a big difference is I suffered a shoulder injury recently and haven't been able to do either. Looking back I should've supplemented with meditation or something.
So, with stress and anxiety kind of peaking for me this week for a trillion reasons (working on side projects, doing some background work for Blizzard, realizing several of my friends are going through tough times), it led to even more devastating insomnia than usual.
3) Insomnia
Most people who know me know that sleep and I just aren't friends. Sure, diet, exercise, all the good living stuff can help, but I generally regard a night of 6-hours of sleep where I only wake up twice as a good night. I can likely count on one hand the 'sleep-through-the-night' 8 hours I've gotten in the past few years. And of course anxiety and stress don't help, I sometimes find when I'm trying to sleep I'll realize I've been clenching my jaw for the last 20 minutes. Trying to sleep in silence, as a person with anxiety, just runs every terrible issue and outcome through my head. In short, it doesn't surprise me I struggle with sleep.
To the 48 hours that led up to the broadcast.
Obviously, I don't like having to switch my sleep schedule. It's hard to flip that switch and stay up, but I was excited to cast the games and work with Seth and Jack, I figured it's just two nights then back to normal. So, on Thursday night I streamed a little, watched APAC, and planned to go to sleep when the games were done, around 3:30. We'll 3:30 comes and goes, then 6:30 comes and goes, then 9:30 comes and goes. Finally at around noon I felt desperate to sleep. If you've ever had sleep issues you know what it feels like to scream into your pillow on the verge of tears, "WHY CAN'T I JUST SLEEP?!?!". At this point I've been awake for over 26 hours, so sleeping shouldn't be an issue, but it is.
Now I hate sleeping pills, I absolutely hate them. I have some generic over the counter sleep aids, but they scare me so much that I had them in the back of my bathroom cupboard because I feel if I take one I'll be loopy and then take more, like, a lot more. This may be an irrational fear, but the few times I've taken sleep aids I've felt very odd, so they scare me.
But, I felt I HAD to sleep, rehearsal was in 8 hours, I can't try to broadcast being up for 32 hours straight, so I took two pills. And then I slept, for a total of 2.5 hours.
So I'm up again around 2:30 or 3:00, I try to fall back asleep to no avail, but actually don't feel that terrible. I have dinner, I play a few games, I stream the fun act of putting on my makeup and I go to rehearsal at 9:30. Rehearsal is fine, and then we're told to come back at 12:30. So it's around 10:30 or 11, I sit on my bed, check my phone, and the lights just go out; probably the worst thing that can happen right now, falling asleep. I'm sleeping in full makeup and wardrobe with my shoes on. I'm not even sure how I woke up to my talent manager calling me at 12:45. So, now I'm pretty out of it, seems like everything has coalesced into this state, and i definitely feel off. But, only 15 minutes to show, I figure I'll pound some coffee and it will be fine. But, waking up from REM sleep after the prior hours of no-sleep was no picnic. My filters were off, my sharpness was not good, it wasn't the work I expect to put out.
I've made private apologies, but I do want to apologize to the teams, players, and fans. It was not the performance I wanted to put out there.
Anyway, that's pretty much it. I woke up the next day after the broadcast with very little solid memory of the cast itself, but recalled everything leading up to it. Spoke with talent managers and colleagues and everyone was so worried. In my typical fashion I didn't take it too seriously until I sat for the last couple of days thinking about all the micro-events that lead up to something that could've seriously harmed me.
I'm no expert, I don't know what fixes all this. I've got a lot of resources to lean on, so just as a layman I'll say that what I have learned is to be more aware of what you're not dealing with, because it will find a way to deal with you.
Appreciate everyone.