addendum to this https://www.youtube.com/post/UgxGMGpu8k3L3ePIm0F4AaABCQ

Fuck man \

Fuck man I really don’t want to come on every other social media constantly to apologise but I just cannot think of anything else at the moment and nothing makes sense anymore

You don’t get taught how to handle situations like this, especially when there’s no “allegations” or whatever. I did what I did and I can’t even reiterate what happened because that would be an invasion of privacy again but I can’t just not mention it either because that would make it seem like I’m just ignoring the issue and I don’t know what to do I’m so afraid no one believes me when I say I’m being sincere about this. I don’t know anything anymore

All I wanted to do was make cool content for people and hopefully improve but ever since last year I’ve just been feeling like the most horrible person and in every last interaction with anyone I worry someone is going to bring up something about me even I don’t know about as stories get twisted and exaggerated and now that my post is out to see that happen in real time is so frightening and discouraging and it makes me feel like it’s no use even bothering to try and change. I never should have made the choices I made and I would reverse them in a heartbeat but they’re always going to be a part of me and that's terrifying

The Internet should be such a small part of someone’s life but if quitting came so easy to me I wouldn’t be writing this. I like it here. I made friends. I met wonderful people through doing this. I got to help others get their start. I got to watch this community grow. I felt accepted for once in my life but everything is tainted now.

The last video I put out wasn’t untrue; I meant it when I said I was burnt out from doing videos for all the reasons I stated. I didn’t want to withhold information. And I don’t want to hurt people. But I did. And that’s so fucking wrong and awful and I hate myself and I wish I would proofread this but I’m just typing and it’s all coming out and I don’t want it to it’s so fucking rough I didn’t want this to happen I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Fuck me

Anyway

I don’t know what’s going to happen anymore. I’m just a mess and things are rough but it’s my fault of course. My words don’t mean much right now but to actually not make it about myself for once I know there are so many other creators in this community you can check out. They’re doing god’s work.

That’s what I am tho aren’t I. Selfish. Selfish and alone and trying to drag others down into this mess. Always have been. I wish I was a better friend. A better friend and a better person. But I never know who to trust. Or if I want others to trust me. You probably can’t trust me. Clearly. I wish I was normal, I really do. There are days where I can play it off but it’s shitty, it’s all fake. I can’t do this to be honest it’s all a lot and I can’t focus on anything anymore. I’m keeping it as real as I can here so it’s all unfiltered at this point. Sorry this is such a mess to read.

I keep seeing these awful apology videos by others in similar positions or worse (Is this comparable?) and they’re trying to deflect the issue and whatnot; Just trying to move on by keeping silent… Is that what you’re supposed to do? I don’t know. Hasn’t worked so far. Everyone has already abandoned me and I wish that wasn’t also the case with my friend group. Honesty can only get you so far you know; It doesn’t erase the past. /

Apology videos in general are such a weird thing like we’re supposed to share our whole lives with our audience and tho that’s admirable it just makes me so uncomfortable cause there isn’t anything interesting going on. We’re all just putting on this persona for people to look up to and every last tiny mistake you make will be there for people to hyper fixate on and iI know that because I’ve been guilty of it. We all have. It’s something different when you know this isn’t your run-off-the-mill mistake. It was a decision I knew would come back to haunt me. I really didn’t care at the time. So I shouldn’t care things are the way things are right now either but I still do… I wish I wasn’t so selfish. I wish I was many things.

21 years really aren’t a lot to teach you about life. At least not for me. Maybe I’m just pathetic who knows but comparing myself to others is another problem entirely. I’m sorry this is turning into such a self therapy session but maybe it’s interesting to get an insight into my mind. There isn’t much going on in there, just a whole lot of self hatred and not knowing how to handle any of this. Everyone I want to talk to I feel already doesn’t want to associate with me but doesn’t outright tell me so. I get it. I really do. If you hate me that’s two of us. I tried to move on but it’s like black matter, it just consumes you until there’s nothing left to think about.

That’s all we do anyway right, just distract ourselves from the root issues in our lives to give off the impression we actually have the slightest clue what we’re doing or where it leads us. I miss not thinking about these things and living in the moment but those days are long gone. I miss a lot of things. Everything that isn’t the here and now, basically. I miss yesterday. But I didn’t yesterday. Every day feels like it’s getting worse until it doesn’t and then I regret ever worrying in the first place. But these days it’s really difficult to remind myself of that.

I took three separate breaks from the Internet so far and none of them were effective. Again, it’s all distractions. Even if I tell myself I can just move on from YouTube I know myself that’s not going to happen. It isn’t as easy as that; I’m too proud of what the channel has become. I may not like every video and I’m ashamed of the way I’ve interacted with some people online but that just comes with making videos I wanna tell myself. Realistically tho I immediately regret any sort of negativity I spread because I just don’t want to be that person. I can’t just let those encounters go. And I don’t want to either.

It would seem insincere for me to just move on with my life when I know I’ve hurt people. I don’t feel I’ve earned that. I haven’t earned the right to make videos either if we’re being honest; What the fuck do I know about what goes on with the making of a feature length movie. How did this even happen. None of this should have happened. But it’s still the happiest I had ever been.

I wanna go back to that. I really do. I don’t want to be “controversial YouTuber Cosmodore”.It’s hard for me to come to terms with the situation. But it’s self inflicted trauma right; And every day I just keep on riding myself deeper into the dirt. This post too I can imagine.

This isn’t meant to be manipulative or to earn pity points. I’d actually format this properly if that was the case. I’m not 100% why I’m writing this myself. Closure seems unachievable at the moment. It’s not about reflection either; I’ve been doing nothing but reflect for the past year. Let’s call it a thought box. My thought box of garbage and self acceptance and just, coming to terms with who I am. This isn’t me playing a character my thoughts just are that messy right now it’s actually kinda funny it’s like this is all writing itself.. Whatever I’ll tell you what I’ve been up to today. NOTHING!

Eating and sleeping that’s all I’ve been capable of!! It’s great actually like I can’t focus on anything so why try right? Why Did I ever try?? I’ll stop myself now. This is anticlimactic I know but I’ll bring it down to a few points

1 ) I’m sorry
2 ) I love all my friends, you’re all wonderful and it sucks things are so messy for everyone right now
3 ) Please be kind to each other
4 ) I’m sorry.

I’m sorry..

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