wasnt ready to share but here's my experience with abuse.
i try to be levelheaded, calm, and as professional as i can on social media, but im exhausted and honestly i do not care for my language anymore. i wanted this to be short but it will not be, sadly. i thank you in advance for reading it. i want to voice my support for victims coming forward, sharing my personal experiences as well, even though i am not ready to but here we are.
before i tell my experience, with everything happening right now, my main desire still is to be there for, listen to, and support all the victims coming forward. ive said this in a couple tweets already but unless youve been through it yourself you have no idea how hard it is to be honest and speak up on personal experiences of trauma, abuse, and/or harassment. i want to be involved in rebuilding and keeping the community safe. it is possible. but we will need all hands on deck.
i will only say his name once, but this is about my ex, false (corey shin.) if youre seeing this, weird, youre blocked, but please dont reach out to me anymore. these things happened.
that being said, i want to start and stress by saying i did not want to do this. this does not make me feel good, free or empowered. A LOT of people already know some of this either because they are very close to me, have been hurt by this person as well also or literally witnessed a lot my accounts firsthand. i only just told some friends today some of these points though. because i was not ready to. it is painful to think about, which i do often, but seeing an anonymous dirtbag try to associate me with this person who took me for a fucking ride for so long, now i have to talk about it, so thanks a lot! a lot of you dont know what im talking about. thats fine. this is my abuse story. and aside from simply feeling incredibly uncomfortable doing this, this person i am about to talk about is (mostly) quiet and irrelevant in the community now. this isnt to “cancel”, theyre already gone (mostly.) and while we havent spoken in months we have moved on from each other and remained totally civil. we are not a part of each others lives. we put all this behind us. I JUST WANT TO MOVE ON, AND I HAVE, SO PLEASE LET ME SAY WHAT I HAVE TO SAY, STOP BRINGING IT UP AND DO NOT TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS AGAIN OR THEM. but after everything i was put through, it is completely fucked to act like i have anything to do with them or their actions. its fucking gross and unfair. we have nothing to do with each other. most people have common sense to know this. i wont hold you accountable for what some other adult did. do not do that to me.
and i want to make one thing very, very clear. if you do not know me personally, or closely, you really do not know any of what i know and experienced. at all. let me just list some of the things i had to deal with dating a once known and respected member of this community. these are only a few things. there is a lot. if you have been around for any amount of time you will know who i am talking about. they have already been outed for other unrelated things some time ago and banned from many events. all of what i am going to say happened while we were “officially” together, which for the record, we have not been for at least a year now. i say officially loosely as, as ive come to realize, we had different ideas of when we were together and when we were not. i was with them for about three years. i have ignored and stopped talking to this person for months. i would like to think they have grown since then, and so if they have, i am not speaking for their character now - im only going to state what happened at the time of the relationship. my personal accounts. everything felt healthy and real for the first year. i dont regret that. but that changed very, very fast. please keep in mind, dating someone doesnt auto give you the right to anything. consent is still always needed. this is going to be long. it was a long two years and its all bad, embarrassing, and i am scarred. so let me start with some of the worst of it, and why i have nothing to do with them and had nothing to do with their choices or actions.
- the last time we slept together, which was months before we separated, he recorded it. that was something i did not want. there was no consent. i asked him to delete it. he told me no one would see it. i sat for a little. i told him i was unsure and it made me really uncomfortable. still not consent. if that wasnt enough to make him delete it, i reminded him that at one point someone had hacked and had remote access to his computer. what if something like that happened again. instead of just deleting it, he kept “assuring” me no one would ever see it, that it would be saved and locked away in a drive deep in his computer, or some weird way of phrasing. so he did not delete it. i dont know if he still has it. i think about this every fucking day. i feel gross and embarrassed and i really, really fucking hate that i had to share this because i feel tainted and just so shitty and embarrassed when i know i shouldnt be, but i do, because now my friends and family and mutuals might read this and know and im not ready. this is my reason for not blocking him until now. i truly dont think he would ever cause me physical harm but i am afraid knowing he might still possess this video. though its incredibly illegal should he do anything with it; i cant help but feel gross and worthless and uncomfortable. i dont think my face is it in it - at some point he seemed to not like looking at me in the very rare moments we were intimate, so yea i feel fucking ugly and disgusting and used - but it still makes me really uncomfortable and gross knowing this video exists/existed and wasnt deleted - OR TAKEN - in the first place. i hate talking about this. i didnt want to. this is really fucking hard.
- he was a very angry person. he had a lot of deep trauma from his past and very intense, difficult things goin on in his life at the time, so i tried to excuse everything for him because of that. but i am afraid of yelling and angry people now. he would break things. sometimes my own things. a couple times slamming his own head or fists on his desk during outbursts followed by our arguments. it scared and freaked me out. hed get confused and mad if i cringed away, because he thought i was faking and acting out that reaction. i am afraid of angry people.
- during a trip to japan with a couple of our friends (will keep them unnamed for now, up to them if they wanna speak) one night we all went out drinking with another friend who lived there. we planned to go to karaoke. a local we just met and joined the group told us if we wanted cheaper drinks we were allowed to bring in some purchased from the seven 11 nearby. so i told him and our group leader that i would be right back to get some. i got lost on the way back from the convenience store. there were a couple of drunk men who approached me, kissed up on me and got touchy. it was awful and i was afraid, but i did not panic. it wasnt a good part of town. lots of bars and strip clubs with lonely drunk men crawling around. there was a language barrier but i knew how to tell them i didnt understand japanese very well and was lost. i had no phone service. they tried getting my number and wanted me to go with them. one of the two gave up quickly after seeing me shift away from them at their advances and dragged the other guy away. when i found my way back, my ex, who i am writing this about, was angry at me. i didnt know why at the time. i was hurt because of what just happened to me, and he was angry. at another bar i heard him talking to the group leader saying i “just get like this a lot” as if im just being dramatic instead of listening and supporting me. i cried outside the bar. our friend on the trip with us, another member of the smash community, came out to console and listen to me. i knew my ex would be pissed about this - he always thought i was turning his friends against him. he was incredibly angry the next morning still. he told me he didnt believe me, that i did it for attention because i “didnt tell anyone where i was going!!!!!” and that i was a “deceitful bitch.” that fucking hurt. so i left our airbnb to find a cafe to be alone, and guess what !!!!! followed by some random local. when i lost them i had to think, “well fuck, who am i supposed to tell about this now?” your partner should be your support. he did apologize some time later, but just for calling me a bitch. i didnt accept right away and he did not like that.
- called me a fat cow (i may be a tiny person but yea i at the time i gained something like 15lbs during my time with him so if i am happy with my health and regaining my old body back now you will know why) being called this felt awful, because he was one of the few people who knew about my past with an eating disorder. i have not talked to ANYONE about this besides him and one of my best friends. fucking sucks to mention it here and now, but yea the fat cow comment hurt. he told me he meant cow as “coward.” im not gullible. i wont elaborate more on the ED. please do not talk about it to me, ever, if you are a friend or family member reading this. dont. please. im fine and moved on. im good. i need to mention it here for context why that hurt so much. anyway, he also called me (and this is my favorite!) a cunt, among other things, on the private acct that he had and was leaked last summer. this is aside from calling me a bitch to my face after accusing me of lying when i was nearly assaulted by strangers in a foreign country. when i confronted him about the private acct, the first thing he said was “so.. you saw that huh.” i was hurt and i cried, a lot, because someone who supposedly loves you should never say those things. but i know now he had stopped loving and respecting me for a very long time at that point. i was ready for it to be over, but the conversation eventually turned into him telling me that “we would get through this” to which i just stared at him dumbfounded and then him asking me to take his camera and get b roll for him at shine 2019. i said no. the next morning i went to leave for my flight and he fought with me, yelled at me on the way out the door why i wouldnt do this for him as if it were so wrong for me to see my friends and not do him favors, we werent clear if we were still together at that point but i know now to him we were not, and i still valued him as a friend - i couldnt take the yelling anymore so i just took his camera and i left. he slammed the door on me on my way out after more yelling, i got into my uber embarrassed and hurt. they told me about their abusive ex husband to keep my mind off of him.
- i was used for many months into paying bills, groceries, rent etc for him and myself, all the while hed wanted to break up with me (unknown to me at the time) since nairo saga. that was 2017. that is how long i was lead on. i supported both of us, did all of our housework for us, all of our chores, and 10+ hour work days for controllers, and if he did make any money, he spent it on weed. i feel like a fucking idiot. a fuckin clown. he was unemployed, lost his sponsorship from EMG due to poor work ethic and disagreements with his boss joe, and had very little income. as his partner i believed in him as he had great ideas for projects and i wanted to help. but i did for far too long and did not stand up for myself enough. when i would ask him for any help, he would sometimes get angry and tell me i was holding the money over his head, guilting him. i just wanted help with the chores at the very least. life was exhausting. a couple of times, he did send me a little money if he made it. he would say he knew it didnt make up for everything i was doing, but he was trying. i did appreciate that, but his effort to actually help beyond that was slim. you think i had ANYTHING to do with the 10k he got from the brawl doc? that was all collected before i started dating him. you can literally fuck right off with that. i know he bought the equipment promised for making the doc and had flown players for interviews, which i assumed was all the funding he got for the doc? but i dont track his fucking finances, not before we were dating or during. we never looked at each others bank statements. and i did not see a penny of that money. did he spend any of it on weed? i honestly dont fucking know, i would like to say no, but speaking of weed lets get into my next point.
- i do not like marijuana. at all. i hate the smell and what its done to ppl from my past. if you smoke, thats you and i do not judge you for it as i have good friends who smoke and they are good people. i am not correlating bad actions with marijuana. but when i was young, i had bad experiences with people who smoked often, and he knew this. many of my friends and community peers know this. yet he would still ask me to smoke with him. “i just want to smoke with my girlfriend.” in the beginning i did a couple of times because i wanted him to be happy. i was dumb, weak and drunk. i was easily impressionable. all he did was ask me a few times, even after saying no, but he did not force me, i just caved. i did not enjoy the experience. after we started living together he would frequently ask me and i would frequently say no. he would smoke in our room and i absolutely hated it. hed have friends over to smoke. in my room. i’ll say my room now as i was the one paying for everything. knowing so much of his time and income was going into this instead of helping me support us was awful but to avoid fights i mostly kept my mouth shut.
- yelled at, constantly. he knew i was afraid of talking to him about things because he would get angry and fight with me. i was walking on eggshells. if he would break anything of mine, and id bring it up to him, he would tell me i was doing it just to “grieve” him. boy he loved that word! it would somehow be my fault. almost everything was. i will explain momentarily.
- always manipulated. from being told my friends were only there to try to take me away from him, from saying i was the reason his friends turned against him (when we would fight, which was so, so often, i would leave our room to be away from him and cry, and we had many roommates who had to see this. so he would say bc they would see me hurt and crying, they would auto take my side, and they resented him for that - not for the stuff he did to them, which me as a blinded dumb fucking clown i always tried to defend him and stand up for him when they were angry with him etc. i am so sorry for that. i was blinded. they were hurt too, but still consoled me despite me defending him so often and saw so much of what happened bc they dealt with this too) and even going as far as saying i did not support him. if i did not leave our room immediately upon him asking me to so he could record his ideas for raps/music, i was not supporting him. he used this instance in some bs tumblr post after he broke up with me as a reason, calling my friends and brother “fucking losers.” anyway, he asked me to leave out room, i had just woken up and wanted to wash my face and collect controllers for work, so i said in an annoyed tone “can i just have ten minutes to get my things.” and that turned into one of the biggest fights of that summer. because i wanted 10 minutes.
- also called my best friend a dumb cunt to my face because she didnt want to hear his opinions in defense of ally. it was completely over shortly after that. it sucks to be called that yourself, but also your closest friend, i lost hope from him when he said that about her. totally dumbfounded. we all also know he is a misogynist saying women are good for nothing but being “onaholes” on his priv acct. he called me a victim blamer when i told him that ally as an adult should have said no to zack. we had multiple heated debates and arguments over age of consent. that was always my first red flag and i should have left from the first sign but i was blinded.
- he has called me the abuser, to my face. he would mention how if it werent for him i wouldnt know or be friends with the people that i am, or have the business that i do. our last huge fight before we were completely done my older brother was extremely tired of the things he heard and witnessed, and tried to have a legitimate levelheaded conversation with him. it turned into “well, you dont ever get to see what she does” when he would bring up these other points of abuse that he and others witnessed first hand. he called my brother a fucking loser. just for trying to talk and tell him the things he did was wrong, when he knew it was wrong.
- after our roommates left because they couldnt live with him anymore, he continued to live in my house with me (we were not together) for a couple of months, us in separate rooms. my father was our landlord. my father and i agreed to give him time to figure out where he would go before kicking him out - i care about people too much apparently and didnt want him on the streets. my dad wanted him gone immediately but i asked for him to give more time. we were civil and cordial to keep the situation comfortable and so i wouldnt feel anxious. it went ok. his last day we talked about things, tried to reflect on stuff, but i ended up feeling hurt and he told me he just did not respect me. ok. we may not have been together, but i still tried to help him, but i was unworthy of respect. that shit stings, now i dont give a fuck to be honest.
- yep, i’ll admit it. i never have openly said it but i will now. this is my fault, not his, but i started really abusing alcohol because of all of this. even in the months after we separated and i was over it, id get drunk by my self every single night because i liked the feeling and how it made me forget about a lot of things that still bothered me. im good now. but sometimes i still find myself binge drinking in social settings and that is not healthy.
did i forget anything? probably. there was a lot in 2 out of the 3 years of that. but i will not lie and say that, while others feared for me, i personally never felt in any immediate physical danger. i will not speak on the behalf of the others we lived with. the private acct , if you were around to see that, was extremely concerning, hurtful, misogynistic and alarming. he knows it was and made his statements about it at the time. im not here to talk about that. and while he stopped loving and respecting me for most of the relationship, i know there was (some?) level of care when he was able to give it. i went through something completely and terribly awful one winter and he was there for me with emotional support. he was there for me when my sister died. this could be why i gained a harder emotional attachment to him during our time together, no matter how bad other things got, but i dont think i am being completely naive when i say i didnt think he was a monster out to hurt anyone, although it is hard to forget all the negatives too. threats should always be taken seriously. i will say after what happened last summer, with the private acct and the doc, and everything with zenma, he has lost all credibility and i would like to reiterate once again i have not been in contact with him for months. he couldnt give me a note or card on christmas. he couldnt even remember our anniversary. it was 3 years long and couldnt bother to remember the date. do you really think he cared enough to involve me in his choices. funny, i wanted to write a long post months ago defending him on how i know hed never hurt anyone, but should still be held accountable for his mistakes and actions. but i am finally angry for myself, for once.
while ive moved on i STILL feel really dumb and embarrassed for having stayed in that position for so long. but thats abuse. i have grown so much. i am very thankful and satisfied for that at the very least because i dont stand for that shit anymore and it will NEVER happen to me again. i have really incredible friends who have been there through the beginning of this shitshow and stayed until now, and the connections with peers i have made in this community with genuine good people is what gives me faith we can rebuild and reform the smash community into something better and safer. that is all i care about. this was not fucking fun to write.
yes ive moved on however this has left me with lasting effects.
i dont have a good concept of my own self worth. i dont feel deserving of anything. i feel guilty talking to friends about my problems or these issues. i feel like i am annoying them. i am afraid of opening up sometimes for what people will do or think. my friends have to hear me shit on myself constantly, but have helped me and are teaching me to accept things as simple as a compliment. but im still struggling a bit.
i cant even message the person i have feelings for without thinking i am annoying them or burdening them with simple conversation. its ridiculous. like i am not good enough, cos i dont feel like i am until we get talking, and i feel this way with friends too. no matter how many times they tell me otherwise.
dont refer me to therapy, ive tried it before and couldnt afford it for long and it did nothing for me, but it wasnt the right fit for me and probably need to “shop around” to find the right doc
let me address the burner account cringe anime vigilante who wants to lump me with his actions. i know you have your heart in the right place trying to out the bad of the community - but i am honestly extremely surprised and appalled that just bc i dated someone who made their own personal choices and mistakes i had nothing to do with you want to lump me with them. youve made me rethink the worst years of my fucking life because YOU DONT KNOW ME or what happened. you couldnt have talked to me first? at all? and stop outing victims when they arent ready. you owe shiva a real actual apology without dming her first.
beyond this, i dont have anything else to say. regarding (some) people i used to live with, they had their own private chats and was not included in them or any of their escapades.
and i wont speak further for any of my other roommates aside from what theyve already stated long ago who were always unhappy and uncomfortable living in that environment as well.
i have met some of the absolute best people of my entire life through this game and community, but it has also given me some of the worst days, memories and experiences of my entire fucking life. do not make me or anyone feel like entering this community and dating, associating, befriending, etc someone who was no good for me/them was the worst mistake made and that it is my or their fucking fault.
i will end with two notes: one, i am completely here for anyone and everyone coming forward with their stories of abuse, harassment etc. if you havent, for any reason, you do not have to until you feel ready. but if you need anyone to talk to, i am here.
two, for all of you reading experiences of people coming forward, this is not drama. take them seriously. and really consider what matters right now as there are actual victims who are hurt with real issues and problems we need to look at and address. unwarranted gossip simply because you are angry is fucked and will not help. you are not some vigilante twitter/reddit detective - please, if you truly want to help, support victims and think about what you can do to make this community a safe place for EVERYONE. thank you.