My Accuser is not telling the full truth
Sorry to not have a clean record, and I am sorry that I caused grief to Hannah. I have spent a lot of time thinking about how I didn't act with purity or the best possible morals.
That being said, I have been in shock for a while about how Hannah's responses to me after the fact do not line up with her actions that night, and while I hesitate to call her an outright liar, I cannot help but disagree with her write up. There are missing pieces of information, and several fabrications.
First of all- a lot of the backstory is correct but I don't even think that matters- all that matters is consent.
Timeline of events with commentary:
1.That night, it's true that I tried to caress her- this was after I asked straight up if we could cuddle and was met with positive affirmation. I agree that it's a breach of consent to go from spooning to groping, obviously.... and I made the mistake of trying to caress her in a way that was a step above cuddling. I did not reach for her breasts or genitals, but I definitely crossed the line of just spooning.
After she said no and I immediately complied, she invited me to come back closer to cuddle after a brief period of time.
*My perspective at the time was that sexual acts between us may happen- although she indicated that she very recently closed her open relationship, I felt like we had a good enough interest in eachother that it might happen. This was a bad moral stance and I have changed for the better- I will never again be in a position where a sexual partner may regret their actions in the future.
Anyways, at this point in time is where our stories diverge.
2. During round 2 of cuddling, the caressing was permitted unlike before, and I did not perceive her to be submitting out of fear or anything. I interpreted her inaction to be positive affirmation but I know now that that is not the same....only a verbal affirmation counts in this scenario. After a bit of this, I started nuzzling her and kissing her. This was IMMEDIATELY met with a positive response because she kissed me back. This was completely omitted from her account.
*I did not "butter her up" verbally either, that night.... A lot of that did happen in DM's prior and was met with positive affirmation online. She was very openly sexual with me through DMs, text, pics, videos. I did not reciprocate anything explicit of myself.
3. When she kissed me back, it wasn't a lifeless kiss, it was with passion. Furthermore, she was definitely talking dirty throughout, I only include this detail to show how consensual it felt. I pulled back during the kissing, and said "wait. do you want to stop?" very clearly, and she responded "no" very clearly. It was not a timid no, there were no pauses at this point. This was omitted from her account as well.
4. From there, things progressed to oral sex, and while I did ask to go further to straight up sex, I never did get on top of her- seeing her say that was a WTF moment. I asked if she had lube/wanted sex, she said no, and I was happy with that response. This was an extreme divergence in our accounts, and all I can say is that I am someone who always defaults to believing the accuser. In this case, feel free to believe the accuser as it is your right, but the extreme differences in our accounts should raise questions.
Throughout the progression of kissing to oral sex, she was in control and consenting.
5. After this wrapped up I could tell she regretted it. Unfortunately, we were unable to come to the same conclusion about what happened. She went on the next day to accuse me of assault, and I tried to defend myself, pointing out the facts of what happened, but she just kept repeating her side without listening to what I had to say and cut off contact.
The last thing I want to bring up is that I tried appealing to the COC panel. They banned me before they reached out to even tell me a report was filed against me, I had no idea. My appeal to the COC got scheduled for many months out, which was fine because I imagine they are very busy- however, the day of, mysteriously 1/2 the people assigned to my case didn't show up (there were 3 ppl present out of 5).
No one asked me about what happened regarding consent. I struggled to interject to bring it up. Most of the questions were about my gender/sexual identity and the extent of my remorse. One member who was present asked me if I was aware of the full extent of the accusations, and I responded that I wish I knew, no one told me anything, can you please share? And obviously the panel member responded that it was out of protocol to share, he couldn't. However I was informed that Hannah accused me of attempting to assault her the 2nd night I stayed with her as well, two nights in a row, and that is not in the current account that I see she has posted.
I fully support the COC panel for what they do. It seems to me like my case was mishandled though.
I have reflected a lot on this since Genesis 5 and especially a lot this week. I feel guilty for the immoral actions I took, but I have to share my side of the story. I do not feel like I committed a crime, but I harbor guilt all the same. I am very sorry, sorry enough to question myself and change. I want to apologize again to you Hannah, if I were a better person at the time this wouldn’t have happened at all.
Anyways, thanks for reading, please stay mentally safe with everything going on. I vehemently disagree that I am in a similar category to the more extreme bullshit out there, but I harbor plenty of guilt, just not what's matching the accusation.
I will be sporadically available, I do not wish to continue checking this site for everyone’s responses to this. Feel free to reply/DM and I will get to them on my own time. I am not interested in reversing the current lifetime ban, I am not eager to return, but if my account is believed I feel that that would be just.