Addressing Everything and My Apology
As many of you know a lot of allegations have come out about me in the past few days.
I'm writing this to address these allegations and to apologize for the things I've done.
I started talking with Rachel when she was 17. She was a fan of my Youtube videos, livestreams and she became closely knit in my community. We texted often and kept things platonic at first but as time went on we became more personal and close. After months of talking I started to develop feelings for her.
This was not okay, there should have not been any feelings for anyone of this age.
We should have never been talking in the first place to let things even get this far. I should have not let things get this far and I am so sorry that they did. She was turning 18 which is how I justified it to myself, but from what this experience has taught me, I can see what I was doing was harmful; even if I couldn't see that at the time.
When Rachel was 18 and I was 26 she told her parents about our relationship, I flew to California in November 2015 to meet her and her dad for the first time in person.
It wasn't till about a year later that I decided to move to California to try and make the "relationship" work. I left my friends, family and everything behind. In my mind I loved this person, I didn't see or understand the extent of the power I had over her. I didn't understand the power dynamic which caused the relationship to happen in the first place. I was immature, lonely and seeking attention from anyone who would give it. Not understanding the position of both me being much older and someone with influence.
I was wrong for doing this. All of this.
During my time with Rachel, I genuinely cared for her and tried to support her the best way I knew how at the time. I tried to be a good boyfriend to her. I believed at the time that I was in love with her and that she was in love with me. I now understand that this was very wrong and not normal.
Our relationship went on until summer of 2018.
After we broke up, and after we stopped talking, I learned that a lot of people from my discord/following began harassing Rachel online. I found out about this only a year after our break up and did not and do not condone this. It really put things into perspective as to what
kind of influence I really had. I'm sorry for any harassment that was brought about from what people thought was on my behalf.
Rachel, I'm so sorry for what I did to you. I abused my influence over you and took advantage of your admiration for me. I'm sorry to your parents and family that met me. I'm sorry for those years of your life that you can never get back. I know this apology has been long overdue but it's taken me time to grow and understand this all from your perspective. One day I hope you can accept my apology.
Wolfiisaur and I started talking around July 2015 through Twitter dms. In the beginning, our conversations were mostly about her art, my streams, and Smash. I also commissioned her to create art for my brand. As we got closer we started flirting. I didn’t know exactly how old Wolfiisaur was at first, but through the context of our conversations, I gradually could tell she was younger than me.
None of this was okay. For me to let it get to this point as the older person was wrong and inexcusable.
I did not have intentions to start a relationship with her prior to her being 18. I know it's still extremely unethical but I just wanted to clarify how I was thinking at the time.
https://imgur.com/l2Q48Qf (censored due to personal info)
Shortly after this conversation I realized that I should have stopped talking to her immediately. But I didn't stop immediately and the flirting continued.
This was very wrong of me. I failed her and there is no excuse for this. About a week later we stopped talking as frequently and stopped flirting altogether.
We met for the first time in person at EVO July 2016, said hi, we hugged briefly and then parted ways as friends. After this our conversations continued to be infrequent and there was still no attempt at flirting all the way until 2018.
In summer 2018 my relationship with Rachel had just ended and I was extremely lonely. I ended up dming Wolfiisaur again now knowing that she's in college while talking about both of our recent break ups. I asked her if she wanted to visit me to which she responded that she wasn't interested and that the age gap made her uneasy. I took the no for a no and didn't push the subject further after she showed she was uncomfortable. I was 29 at the time and she was 18.
I believed I was doing everything above board because I thought she would have been considered a consenting adult.
I realize now that what I was doing was considered grooming, but that was absolutely not my intention. I wasn’t trying to manipulate her, I was just very lonely and trying to seek a connection. I can't change what I did but I genuinely did not understand the effects of my actions.
Wolfiisaur, I'm so sorry that I took advantage of you when you looked up to me. I'm sorry that I as the adult in the situation wasn't capable of establishing the proper boundaries for your sake. I'm sorry if I caused any pressure or anxiety being at some of the same events as you. I'm sorry that you've kept this quiet for so long and I hope you know that I'll be taking the proper steps to ensure things like this will not happen in the future.
Retr0 Ali -
Ali and I began talking in Twitter dms. Mostly all of our dms have been platonic and talking about streaming, Melee or other games. The Skype conversation Ali brings up is us getting on Skype to play Melee netplay.
Weeks later we then also talked on Skype a bit further and I began flirting with her. Again, I realize now that this was very wrong for many reasons.
I talked about hanging out with her and meeting her at events while I also sent flirtatious messages when she admired me as a bigger partnered streamer. I assumed Ali was in college at the time because she told me that she was an RA for the dorms at her school the previous year.
Although it is still very wrong for someone in their mid 20’s to go after a younger, college-aged girl like this I still thought it was okay at the time.
I now know that there were and are other factors at the time that I didn't consider, such as my position in the community, that made my actions unethical. Being a figurehead in the community and having influence in that community would have affected our interactions in ways
I just didn't think about at the time. Also, women in the gaming community shouldn’t have to have the expectation of being subjected to unwarranted advances by default. I’m sorry that I contributed to an already unhealthy culture. This shouldn’t be the norm.
Ali, I'm sorry that I made you uncomfortable and abused any trust you had between us. I wasn’t aware of how bad my actions were at the time. I want to do better and all my efforts will be concentrated towards that goal.
After some time of self reflecting and thinking with a level head I remembered all the things you shared with me. You opened up to me and told me about a lot of your past experiences and traumas. I really thank you for confiding in me and trusting me when you needed someone.
Truth be told I really don't remember any of the situations from your Twitlonger happening and I don't think I was ever aggressive with anyone during my time in SLO. To be clear, again, I was not romantically interested in you. We've traveled together, and roomed together for countless tournaments and I don't recall ever initiating anything outside of friendship. I certainly don't remember cornering you at a party, which is why your statement was so jarring to me.
Nore, I still stand by this being a misunderstanding but I also recognize that I'm human and clearly make mistakes, so if I have misinterpreted the situation I'm sorry for that as well. I apologize if you were ever in fear around me and I really do hope we can move past this one day.
I should've realized that people liked me for being Jtails, and not Julian. I should have realized the responsibility I had by being a presenter on this platform, and with the viewers that allowed me to have a name on this platform. I also failed to separate the adoration of my fans from my personal life. It’s clear to me that being part of the gaming space for too long has not been healthy, and I don’t want to be the type of person that I now see myself as. It's clear that I need help and will be seeking out extensive therapy to hopefully become a better person with time.
I am committed to getting help and will be removing myself from any place where I would be able to cause harm. I am leaving any and all gaming communities, online and offline, in order to better myself as a person. I will no longer be streaming nor will I be attending any gaming events. I will also be deactivating my Twitter.
This is not me running away, but my genuine attempt at being better.
I also want to be considerate to the women I've affected. I ask for anybody who still may be thinking this, do not fight for me. I was in the wrong. On ALL aspects. Please give the victims time and space to process on their own. I apologize to everyone affected for how I behaved, and hope that you can all heal and move forward in life.
I will leave this up for some time to give people an opportunity to read it, and then I will deactivate Twitter afterwards.