Smash the Record 2016
I was raped.
I’ve never been brave, and I’ve never spoken out, but I’m hurting. I’ve been hurting for years and here is my courage of coming out.
November 11, 2016 was probably one of the worst times of my life. My 18th birthday! I had the pleasure of going to StR, one of everyone favorite events. And everything was fine until one party. Lots of dancing, a lot of alcohol, and a lot of bad decisions.
I’m not coming out because I want you to be cancelled, if you are reading this. I can imagine in 3 years that you have grown and I know that I have grown as a woman since then. I’m coming out because I was never brave when I was younger and I was scared of you, scared of judgement, scared of people not believing me, so I stayed safe under the wings that I knew were safe and I took your forced apology as a “stopping point” and as “closure”.
I deserved more. I deserve more. So I’m not sure why I’M sorry, but I’m sorry, D1. But you’re not the man who everyone thought you were.
I’ll try to get this out as quickly as possible. And I’m sorry for mentioning others involved, this is not meant to cause drama, it’s just 5AM and I’m up crying because I can’t handle the PTSD.
I went to a party accompanied by Jesse, better known as MVD. He was my hotel mate along with my friend Haylie and my friend Clyde. Many other people I knew in the community were there at that party in that hotel ballroom. Everyone 9 shades of the wind from drinking, dancing, having an amazing time, as I was! MVD always kept a very close eye on me and was always so protecting of me. I was very drunk, which to the Jim’s who are going to read this and say “you were drunk, you deserved it, you probably consented”, drunk does not equal consent. Drunk will never equal consent. *Don’t be that guy*
The night went on and more alcohol consumed, I remember D1 coming up to me and asking to dance. We started dancing, like I said, having a great time. And then D1 asked for me to go with him. An outstretched hand, and I went with him. To this day I pray someone would’ve grabbed me or him and stopped us. But I followed. I don’t remember which hotel room we went to, but I do remember that I had nothing on me. I had a dead phone, no ID, no room key, no diabetic supplies, nothing. I was completely vulnerable in this moment. I should have never walked away from those trying to protect me.
The next moment that I remember? I’m somehow having sex with D1. Full penetrative sex. And the next flash that I remember? Vomiting. Everywhere. Profusely sick. Alcohol and a blood glucose level probably in the 700’s. I was terrified. I don’t remember kissing him, getting undressed, none of that. But I was naked and vomiting and suddenly I then black out completely.
In the very early morning, 5-6AM that next day, I woke up. Naked, still. Disgusting and alone in a random hotel room. Still don’t know if it was his because nothing was there. Said previously I had nothing with me but a dead phone. Orlando was 55° or so if I remember, COLD for Florida. It had rained. I grabbed the clothes that I could find of mine on the floor, I had a pair of shorts, no underwear, and a t shirt that I threw on and I walked out. I had no idea what my room number was or anything. I walksd around this hotel for 30 minutes. I’m crying at this point. Everyone is still asleep.
I somehow made it to the hotel lobby where the front clerk that day, a really sweet brunette lady, was obviously distressed for me as I begged for her to find my room number for me without my ID and give me a key. She did without hesitation. I wonder if she knew.
I get back to the room. Clyde and MVD are there, asleep. I showered, took a nap, and changed. Now we’re on to the next day of the tournament. When I walk into that venue the next day and people all of a sudden won’t look at me? They’re snickering and laughing and whispering (OBVIOUSLY about me)?
Ohhhh.. D1. I would’ve let it all go had this not been the case.
You bragged. You told everyone that we “fucked” and that I was “disgusting and vomited all over you” and I was some kind of cheap whore that got passed around the community. I never consented to one. thing. with you, and you made me out to be some kind of gross teenager. I had just turned 18. It’s hard not to think of you as a pedophile, but instead just a rapist.
StR is over. I separate myself from the community the best I can. I still go to versus with friends and try to move on with my life.
Flash forward to me dating MVD. Flash forward to EVO. Where still, at this point, I’ve not spoken to D1 and I’ve not gotten even a morsel of an apology. So MVD, being the hero he is, tries to mediate a conversation and an apology. You know how hard it is to be a person like me (I don’t like drama, confrontation, hurting people,
Showing vulnerability) to face your abuser and be angry or say what you want to say?
So I got a forced, half ass apology. And we smiled and went on with life and ate dinner and from that day on, I stayed silent. I stayed silent for the sake of him, the sake of MVD, the sake of the community. My best friend, Haylie, known as Hayls, who I didn’t mention previously because she showed up to StR late that event, was my rock. Every time I felt disgusting and like I could feel his hands on me, there she was, ready to shower me and bathe me and comfort me. Because that’s what a support system does. But after I took that “apology” that I never should’ve taken, I silenced myself.
I hate young me for silencing myself. I should have been brave. I should have been angry. I deserved closure. I deserve closure now.
But D1... for you to tweet “yo” at 2:30 in the morning as if you’re surprised that so many of your friends are like you and are being outed for things... just like YOU did?
YOU should have stayed silent. Not me. It never should’ve been me.
I am so sorry this was so long. It’s 5:15 in the morning and I’ve been up for hours crying. You can’t touch me and you can’t hurt me anymore. And if just ONE person reads this and is inspired to be brave like I should’ve been all these years, this will all be worth it. Everyone deserves closure. This is me trying to get mine.