Jujutsu Kaizin🌸 · @Kaizin_SSB
2nd Jul 2020 from TwitLonger
Earlier I said that my friends and good decisions kept me safe.It's 99% true ig.
I was debating whether or not to bring this up, as at the time I was a confused 19-year-old and I continue to feel conflicted about what happened that night.
Luckily, other than me feeling extremely awkward/paranoid when seeing the individual involved and still feeling a general shame that I let the incident happen despite it going against my personal morals, I don't really have any other real trauma specifically related to this incident.
(A feel notes: A personal side note, but my family is so broken to the point that my own mom doesn't know what I went to school for or what my full time job is (I've been at the same job for several years). She has never had any interest in anything I do, per trademark narcissistic parents, and there was physical abuse from her and another family member in my household until the age of 16. Because of that, I didn't develop a lot of social skills properly until I moved out at 20 due to my family not doing me any favors, and my only relationships were in Smash at the time. It wasn't uncommon for me to have major attachment and abandonment issues because I needed people to care for me. So reflecting back on this as an almost 24-year-old, my 19-year-old self had ISSUES.)
My story isn't that heavy compared to the rest of the experiences that Smashers are fighting everyday and I'm very thankful for that. That is another reason why I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to come forward and have been trying to use my energy to support those people as much as people. For now, though I just to get my emotions off my chest about something that happened 5 years ago.
I drove a carpool of 3 people including myself 14 hours our from IL to NJ for SKTAR 4 and was generously housed at the LOFT back when they were located in NJ. The day the incident happened, it was the last night we were supposed to stay there, and we were supposed to drive back in the morning at 8am iirc the next day.
Because the LOFT knows how to have a good time, it was loud late into the night, and crashing on the couch in the living room with no doors anywhere to block out the sound wasn't conducive to our plan for me to take the first long ass driving shift out of NJ back to IL. So someone actually came up with the brilliant idea to ask False if I could sleep in his room. Albeit, I didn't know him that well, and living in bumfuck middle of nowhere IL, I was excited to know other Koreans exist, so I did and he obliged.
So I'm this dumb 19 year old with the shittiest social skills and attachment issues and a whole lotta baggage who has never felt like anyone has really shown her love. And I'm an idiot, not expecting literally anything to happen as I'm laying on a literal mattress on the floor with False. But of course, things happen. False was respectful in some regard I give him that. He asked if it would be okay for him to kiss me, and things proceeded from there.
I admit that at the time, I was a little starstruck in a way. I had been in the community about 2 years, still kind of new because at the time I was really new to S4 due to being overwhelmed with school. And back in this era of around 2015 or so, False was still the shit, so I let it get to me that a top player was actually maybe interested in someone like me.
However, I did make it clear multiple times that I was uncomfortable with a lot of different things, as I had never done a hookup. Hell, that was the one and only time I literally did anything remotely sexual with anyone outside of a relationship, and I told him this. I told him I did not feel comfortable going very far at all (and we didn't go beyond most teenage shit. I didn't touch HIM at all, etc). And throughout, I did feel like he was testing me to see how far I would let him go and he would ask me to "just do X" and when I would refuse, "why not?" and encouraging me to do so. And then, of course, I reminded him about my policy of needing to be in a relationship.
When it was time for my carpool to leave, I asked for his number, hoping maybe I could convince him to do the whole relationship thing (because of course 19-year-old love-starved abused by my family me would have continued to avoid all of those red flags he displayed that night). Of course that didn't happen. Hardly any texts were exchanged there, but I know I dodged a bullet with that one.
And when all the ZENMA crap came to light and there were rumors about him manipulating women, I still held my tongue about it even though I was still processing feelings.
Should this be a career-ending move for him? I think there are bigger moves that False has already made that has contributed to impacts in his career in Smash. Do I think I was taken advantage of? Maybe a bit. I was young, I was mentally ill (still am, but I'm much better), and to his credit, he did respect my wishes in the end. I think he's a fucking sleeze bag and I shouldn't have had to say no more than once and remind him about me needing to be in a relationship, but here we are.
Looking back, I still feel guilty and used in a way because that isn't like me at all. I have never done that with anyone else in my life, I'm just not the hookup type. Maybe I was manipulated into doing it at the time or maybe I was hoping (stupidly) that a top player could've seen me as more than just a sex object. I still don't understand why I did something like that. For me, all I was looking for is maybe finding closure in it all. I am proud that I did say no that day and found the courage within myself to do so despite how deprived of love and care I was, but I just really needed to get this off my chest.
I'm not sure what else to say, and I have to say that I actually am afraid of there being backlash if any, but I always to try portray things as fairly as possible. Thanks for taking the time to read.