A Message to Venia, Ace Attorney, ZeroTwoNone and All of My Abusers
I will not mince my words or leave out a single detail for everything that I am about to say, and everyone that I have to address. I will not allow my abusers to twist their actions, as well as my words, any further.
The statements that are being made about me and Jon (Venia), by Jon, are entirely false.
Not only did he initiate every single interaction between us from the very first DM to the very last encounter, but he has continued to threaten and gaslight me and others into keeping quiet and coddling to his every word. The repercussion being that if I were to ever speak up publicly for his actions, he would turn the tables and “expose” me for “who I am.”
I know I have had nothing to hide at all. I am far from perfect but I am nothing short of one of several victims that have come under fire for knowing Jon.
I also understand, however, that this isn’t just about voicing the truth. Those who know or follow Jon understand how recklessly belligerent he is. He will always naturally be a louder person than I am, and he has a very strong following in our shared community. I have kept my mouth shut for months, understanding that if I were to ever speak out, that his distorted lies about me and others would surface, and that any semblance of the actual truth might not even matter in the eyes of the public.
But here we are. Despite the trauma I’d endured from him privately for months, sleepless nights, the thoughts of suicide, he decided to speak out and “expose” me with his lies anyway. I very much didn’t feel that I would be able to physically or mentally cope with having to face my trauma head on, publicly, but it is clear at this point that I don’t have the option of keeping quiet any longer anyway.
Jon mentions in his video that I was someone in the community he became involved with last year, and this is correct. He began messaging me last November through Twitter seemingly out of nowhere to say positive things about my platform, and that my words were really speaking to him in this moment. At this time, we were already mutuals, but I’d only ever spoken with him once or twice in person before. I’d never had extended interactions with him nor was I aware of his recent public degradation and manipulation of other women within our community.
To my surprise, he seemed like a gentleman, a good listener and a supportive friend. We began speaking throughout the day every day and had confided several heavy topics of discussion from both of our pasts with one another. He was one of my most vocal allies last December when I had previously spoken out against rampant transphobia within the Philly Smash community.
And he expressed his full support when I had spoken with him about another abuser who’d recently taken advantage of me just a few weeks prior (more on this later.)
It wasn’t long before I was to consider Jon a close friend. And it wasn’t long before that friendship crossed over into a romantic one.
Although I had made it very clear at the time that I’d just gotten out of a serious relationship and had no intentions of diving into another, as did he, we admitted to developing feelings for each other. And as two single adults, we decided to explore these feelings.
For the most part, this only meant hugs and cuddles, a kiss on the cheek, etc. both in public and in private. At this point though I had already seen in person how he had been flirting with other girls in front of me, and that how he seemed disturbingly nonchalant about bringing alcohol to Smash tournaments. I became hesitant toward taking things further but proceeded with caution.
On Monday, December 23rd last year, Jon, Brandon (ZeroTwoNone) and a few other New Yorkers paid a visit to the Fusion local in Linden, NJ. He didn’t tell me beforehand that he would be attending as he’d wanted it to be a surprise. I was elated to see him.
We stayed late and went to dinner at the nearby Buffalo Wild Wings after the event, as was the custom for most Jersey locals I attended. We had gone with a full group of NJ and NY friends. Because Jon was in Grands that night, we’d gotten to the restaurant close to closing and didn’t stay late. I’d like to make clear here: the bar was already closed. A couple of people, including Jon, had managed to get a single drink with their meals. At no point was anyone intoxicated.
The entire night Jon and I kept close, arms around one another. Brandon also uncomfortably tried making several attempts to come between us and get closer to me, all of which I’d initially attributed to lighthearted joking around. I nervously laughed off and shut down every attempt he made, as did Jon.
Being that dinner ended late and public transit was scarce, Jon and Brandon asked to stay over at my place. Dara (Daramgar) joined us as well.
We got back to my apartment around 3-4am. Although Brandon immediately set sights to sleep on my bed and was disturbingly putting up a fuss and wanting to sleep next to me, Jon yelled at him and forced him to move to my couch. He then positioned himself on my bed in Brandon’s place. Dara chose to sleep near Brandon on the carpet.
What transpired this evening is entirely private, but again, being that we are here, I will go into explicit detail.
As soon as I turned the lights out, Jon had pulled me into his arms and we both fell asleep. At some point in the middle of the night I was awakened because I’d felt him thrusting towards me, his crotch toward my hand. We’d both woken up, and he pulled me in for a kiss. He then grabbed my hand and slid it down his pants onto his fully erect penis. We continued to kiss as he proceeded to move his hands all over me.
10 seconds later, we’d remembered others were nearby. While Brandon slept like a rock the entire night, we heard Dara mumbling in her sleep and I immediately pulled from Jon. From that moment forward, Jon and I’d settled back to sleep.
The next morning I’d spoken to Dara privately and apologized for not being more mindful of my surroundings. She’d confirmed that she briefly heard us kiss before reassuring that she was completely fine.
This was the full extent of what happened between me and Jon. At no point did he get up to stand in my bathroom for hours. I am a light sleeper, and being that he’d pulled me in to cuddle once again after we stopped kissing, and that I barely slept at all after what had transpired, I would have noticed if he were to get up at any point.
The next night, Jon was messaging me out of paranoia because Dara had heard us and he didn’t want people finding out about him and me being together. And I want to highlight something here. “Dara heard US.” I have full screenshots of the conversation as he exclusively refers to what had occurred that night in fully consensual language.
I assured him that Dara wouldn’t say anything but also reminded him that several people had already seen us hand in hand, arm in arm at Fusion and at dinner afterwards. And that a few people noticing us together, in my eyes, wasn’t the end of the world.
He became nervous because he didn’t want people thinking of him as a player for being with Tara a week prior, and being with me not long after. At this point I had no knowledge of the humiliation Tara had endured because of his public ridicule towards her. I’d reassured him that it was our business. And that two single, consenting adults are allowed to do what they want with each other. He echoed this reassurance.
Our time together lasted a few days longer before his concern over his public image as it concerned me, and his constant degradation of Dara being a “talker” lead me to call things off completely and return to being friends. It hurt me to make this decision but I would and will always love Dara first. She is my family. She is also a witness as to the consent that occurred between two adults.
Not only do I have several screenshots where there is a clear depiction of consent between the two of us, but I have several screenshots that show the intentions made by both sides to maintain our friendship moving forward. You can see him apologizing to me and admitting that his reckless headspace had caused me pain.
As an actual victim of manipulative sexual aggression and as a human being, I take these false claims very seriously. I will not mince my words.
There was consent when Jon asked me to stay over, sleep in my bed and pull me into his arms as he slept.
There was consent when he leaned in to kiss me.
There was consent when he grabbed my hand with his own and placed it beneath his pants onto his penis.
There was consent when he put his hands over my butt and my breasts.
This all occurred for a matter of seconds before we both stopped. It is the full scope of what took place. I did not anticipate it happening beforehand, nor would I ever have wanted to move any further with someone I was still getting to know, especially after recalling that there were others sleeping nearby. That is not who I am. Jon, consensually, and often aggressively initiated every single occurrence between the two of us through every single stage of our developing friendship.
I want to make perfectly clear here that I am beyond disgusted and defeated by the disturbingly false accusations that have been made of me. Not only by this grown man who has publicly degraded, abused and gaslighted multiple innocent women within our community, but also by Brandon, a 17 year old who has had no business in my personal affairs. Someone whom I’ve personally had issues with in the past due to the multiple times he attempted to make uncomfortable, flirtatious advances towards me both in person and online. Someone who’s been known to make abusive misogynist and transphobic comments towards several women within this community. Someone who once “jokingly” threatened to “cancel” me if I kept rejecting his unwanted advances.
Despite my attempts at still maintaining a friendship with Jon, and him telling me multiple times that he didn’t ever want to lose me from his life, it wasn’t long before I noticed he stopped returning most of my messages, which was fine. We were still to remain civil at Smash locals moving forward.
On Saturday, January 11th, I stopped by to catch the tailwind of a Xenosaga event to see Frank (Hangman), Dara and some other friends. It was then that I met another girl, Hazel, with whom after quick observation I’d noticed was hanging out and sitting arm in arm with Jon, exchanging kisses on the cheek. I suddenly realized why he’d stopped speaking to me. Hazel introduced herself to me, and we spoke at length about Smash and makeup. She was nothing but a total sweetheart through and through. Later that night we had all grabbed a bite to eat together—myself, Frank, Dara, Jon, Hazel and a few others.
It was only until another Fusion event on Monday, January 20th, when I was saying goodbye and giving out hugs to a few friends before heading out, that Jon had shoved me away from him and asked me why I wasn’t sticking around to watch him continue playing through Winner’s bracket… I was horrified that he’d put his hands on me in such a way. Without responding, I immediately turned away the venue.
Toward the end of another Fusion event on Monday, February 3rd, while hanging out with Kate (Ruffian), Christi (Chia) and Chris (Jut), I’d noticed Hazel walk through the door. We immediately caught eyes and hugged. I hadn’t seen her come out to a Fusion event before this and asked if this was out of the way for her. She informed she lived nearby and had the intention of coming out to more events and meeting more people, and asked if we were sticking around to eat later with Jon, Brandon, and other NY Smashers. I introduced her to my friends and told her we usually head out a bit earlier than the rest of them, but invited her out to eat with us. She was asking where we were headed and seemed interested in joining, but reluctantly informed us that she usually drives the NY Smashers out to dinner and back home after events get out.
At this point my heart sank. It could have very well been my projecting, but by now not only had I endured several aggressions from Jon personally, but was also informed of other women in the community whom he’d taken advantage of. Woman, to woman, I didn’t want to see Hazel to have to go through what the rest of us had gone through. But I knew I couldn’t say or do anything to interfere, I didn’t feel empowered. I let it be.
That night, I was informed by Jazzy G. that several NJ, NY and Philly Smashers had gone out to eat together, including them, at the Buffalo Wild Wings. They’d informed me how Emily (Lyric Of Wisdom) and Joel (Beast) had been speaking ill of both Chia and myself at dinner.
I decided to reach out to Emily personally afterwards. She denied ever speaking about us in private, and I countered with what Jazzy had informed me. I wasn’t upset at what was being said, I’d developed a thick enough skin to it by this point. But I expressed to her that I was disappointed that she had said these things in front of Hazel, whom had literally just met Christi and my other friends that night. I informed her that I was hoping to try and look out for Hazel because, woman to woman, I didn’t want to see anyone else, especially as kind as her, to potentially be mistreated by Jon or anyone. And that her sharing those things that night would not only deter her from my friends and me, but likely incline her to cling to Jon even further, as well as his friends who follow his every word.
I had also expressed to Emily that while I don’t regret speaking out publicly against transphobia last December, that it was never my intention to cause a toxic riff between my friends and the Philly Smashers who took a stance against us. She also agreed that she didn’t want to be in-between anymore, and we created a plan to help mediate the situation once and for all.
I was finally starting to feel okay again with everything. Until the next week when I’d first encountered Jon publicly tweeting aggressive threats about “exposing” “fake women” within the Smash community and that he had screenshots to back up his claims. I’d caught wind that he was referring to me, and that Emily had shared screenshots of our private conversation with him. Given Jon’s aggressive and paranoid nature, I knew a bomb had gone off. I wanted to speak with him then and there in private, but refrained because I felt it would only be seen as an admission of guilt, and that there was likely no getting through to him anyway for speaking about him.
I had no clue what I was to be “exposed” over. I know I’m not perfect but I also know I’d done nothing wrong. I get by with a lot of help from my friends. I have been through a lot in my life and I have made it a point to confide my past traumas in those who’ve made themselves available to me, those I trust with my life.
I don’t always navigate through these friendships right. I often trust too easily and I’d been quickly learning the consequences of those I’ve trusted before. I’d been betrayed by Emily. I’d been betrayed by Jon.
I’d been betrayed by James (Ace Attorney).
James and I became quick friends towards the end of last summer. We shared a lot of mutual friends, and are both of similar ages (him being 29 and me, just turning 31.) At the time I was getting to know him, we’d both been struggling with our current relationships. I confided in him a lot, as a friend, with some of the issues I’d been experiencing.
My boyfriend and I had hit a low point, the relationship wasn’t healthy for either of us to maintain. James had helped convince me to break up with my ex, and I agreed it was the best thing to do.
Of course, coming to this conclusion wasn’t easy. I was very much in love with this person.
On Thursday, November 21st of last year, James, Kate, Christi and myself had gone out to a diner after participating at a DNA local in North Bergen, NJ. The entire evening, James had tunnel vision on me for what I was going to say to my ex, where I was to meet him, what my plan was for after. I was visibly uncomfortable and informed him that I was planning to figure it out in the moment. He’d let me know he was planning on being at Orion the next night in the city, and that since I was planning to meet my ex in the city, that I should drop by afterwards so that I’m not alone after I had my talk.
That night into the next day, James was texting me nonstop asking how I would be getting into the city, that we should travel together, that he will meet me, that I should sleep over his place afterwards so that I’m not alone, etc. He also joked as my “Smash Husband” that he would want to take me to a candlelight dinner and show me how a man is supposed to treat a woman.
He insisted I drop my car off at his apartment in Jersey City and that he would take the PATH with me into the city that Friday night. The entire trip in he kept grilling me on what I would say and I asked him to refrain as it was making me sick to think too deeply about. I don’t hold it against him as I believe he has my best intentions at heart. He’d been acting like a gentleman on the way in, extending his arm out to hook onto, lifting me up from my seat on the train, etc.
We arrive to the OS venue together and James immediately tells the people at the front that I was his girlfriend and wouldn’t be competing or sticking around for long. It was a bit off-putting since I recognized that this was a gay man, but that no one at the venue knew who we were and wouldn’t question his words. They let me in for free. And I stuck around for a bit before meeting up with my ex later to have our talk.
I cried the whole time I sat with my ex, but he was a gentleman and made sure I got back to the OS venue alright. James finds me again immediately after finishing up one of his matches. He sits me down on one of the couches and immediately has his arm over my shoulder. He’s holding/caressing my hand with his thumb and reading my texts over my shoulder as my other friends reach out to console me over the breakup.
I realize at the time that James is only trying to comfort me but it felt off the entire time. But I was obviously drained and ended up going along with it to keep the peace. His actions felt way too affectionate/intimate, and I didn’t like it. But I also didn’t speak up about it.
These kinds of actions only continued. He insisted on buying me dinner and drinks. He would continue putting his arm around my shoulder or on the small of my back. I have a low tolerance for alcohol, and after 2 glasses of wine, he insisted on buying me more but I told him I wouldn’t be able to handle it.
By this point I’m drunk, although I vividly remember every last detail. I relive it all constantly. The way he’d smother me, touch me, paraded me around as he played through his bracket, insisted on paying for my entire night. I felt trapped but I knew there was little I could do. I was already drunk and had no means of getting home with my car all the way back at his place. I just tried to get through the night.
After making it to 2nd place, we were there past 1am. I feel numb, but he insists on ordering us an uber back to his place and tells me to hold his hand on the way to the car and while we were inside the car, even though I felt perfectly capable of moving on my own. Any time James sensed my hesitation or nervousness, he would tell me how much fun he was having with me and grill me again on what was on my mind when I’d literally just broken up with my ex a few hours ago.
When we get back to his place, I was half afraid he’d want me in the same bed as him, so I went straight for his couch in the living room and laid my things down. I went to the bathroom to wash off my makeup, and when I came back out, James was already lying on the couch with my things and smiling at me. He takes my phone to plug it in for the night, but I don’t know where he leaves it. He insists on tucking me in, and then stumbles on top of me as we hug good night.
Eventually he leaves for his room but leaves his door open. After some time I got up to quietly go find my phone to let my friends know I was safe, and James immediately comes back out after hearing me to see if I was alright. In my mind I’m still trying to convince myself that he’s being a friend to me, but I felt suffocated.
The next morning, I feel him massaging my shoulder to gently wake me up. I pretend to stay asleep while he leaves to get coffee and comes back to try waking me again. He sits next to me, pinning me in to the back of the couch and begins rubbing my back and holding my hand again. He tells me how beautiful I look without my makeup on, that he doesn’t know why I make such a fuss over it when I’m “so beautiful without it.” It’s uncomfortable.
I ask him what time it is, and after he questions if I was off somewhere else already, he tells me to go back to rest my eyes a little longer while he prepares breakfast for us. I oblige and close my eyes again, although still entirely awake. I wince and see he’s sitting there watching me “sleep” for at least 10 minutes. I open my eyes again and he asks if I want him to lie down with me, and I quickly say no.
I start to get up and tell him I have plans with my family, but he insists on preparing breakfast and moves to the kitchen. I realize at this point that I feel obliged to go along with everything again because I was still terrified of causing a scene by telling him how uncomfortable I’d felt with him. I realize that while he’s a gay man, there’s very much an existing narrative in the world of men who parade their luxuries to impress women, only to then lash out and claim to being used if the night doesn’t go well. I didn’t want to be there, I just wanted to go home and mourn my breakup but I sucked it up a little longer.
He asks me to set the table and then offers me some juice so I pour myself a glass. And just as he’d been subtly manipulating me the night before into hooking arms with him, etc. I hear, “Jinny, are you going to pour me a glass too?” So I do. “Are you going to walk it back over to me?” So I did. “Why are you seated so far away from me? Move closer.” So I do.
I didn’t have much of an appetite all things considered, and he’d made such a heavy breakfast. I could barely stomach half of it, as again, I couldn’t bring myself to show my discomfort to this man. He starts asking me strange questions about what it means to feel dysphoric. He goes on to talk to me about Jazzy, about Emily. He makes some ignorant statements about pronoun preferences and gender identity. It’s off-putting and seemingly out of touch for someone of his profession.
When we finish, he asks to play Smash for a bit, and I did for a few minutes. I then tell him I really need to leave and go to get my things without making a scene. He goes to give me a hug goodbye. I’m looking down the entire time because I swear that if I’d looked up he would’ve kissed me.
I get home and start crying my eyes out to Christi over the phone. I tell her I never want to be alone with that man ever again. That I felt powerless and dirty and manipulated. I questioned who would ever even believe me if I went public that an openly gay man would behave this way towards me, a woman? What does that say about me? Does he see me as the woman that I am or was I some weird transgender fetish.
Meanwhile James is already texting me still telling me to tell me how much fun he had spending time with me, and that I was “such a good cuddler haha.” I felt disgusted and kept my responses to him brief and inconsistent.
Eventually he tells me he notices I’ve been distant and that he hopes he didn’t say or do anything to upset me. Eventually I text him back to briefly let him know that I’d felt like there was a lot of affectionate touching by him the other night and that I was uncomfortable but didn’t feel empowered to speak up about it. That I would like some space to process and reflect on things before speaking with him further.
Without skipping a beat, he agrees to give me some space but then immediately flips the script to say that I was the one who was coming onto him. It was so dismissive and blatantly false. I ended up writing a full statement recounting every last detail that’d occurred as it did. That despite being drunk that night, I remembered everything and wanted him to know exactly how he made me feel, regardless of his intentions. I added that I was extremely vulnerable already that evening having just broken up with my ex, and that these new experiences had triggered me back to being sexually taken advantage of by 2 different men in the past.
Later on I receive texts from Jazzy telling me that James is telling them and Purity about “everything [I] did” while he was just trying to be a supportive friend to me. That it was unfair of me to project all of this onto him after he’d paid for my dinner and drinks and uber, and opened up his home to me. This didn’t surprise me to see. It was exactly why I kept quiet for as long as I did in the first place. I didn’t want to have this conversation with Jazzy but I informed them of the truth and they told me they believed me but also felt unsafe to potentially be caught in a crossfire between the two of us, which I understood.
On Saturday, November 30th at Wavebounce 2, I sit down outside with James to share the full note I’d written up and to talk through everything. Christi comes with us and remains in earshot of me and James, just as I’d asked.
James reads everything very quickly before putting the phone down and relaying onto me, “Jinny, you know me. You know who I am.” He tells me what he did for me he would’ve done for anyone else, and that he did the same with Purity not long before. He’s smiling and laughing “with” me as he tells me this.
I agree to make amends because it was clear he wouldn’t own up to anything, but inform him that I’m not Purity, and that he has to take into account that his actions affect different people in different ways. That it was unfair for him to dismiss my very real feelings and these very real events, and that I’d felt taken advantage of during an extremely vulnerable time in my life. That I felt powerless to speak up out of fear of his public retaliation. I’m very much aware that convincing people to believe something, true or false, is literally his profession.
We hug it out and agree to be more communicative with each other moving forward. But this was the last time I’d spoken with James face to face.
That same night is when James and Purity’s infamous “Tristate List of Attractive Smashers” was tweeted out. I personally found it problematic and objectifying but chose not to say anything given what I’d already been dealing with privately. Jazzy texts me later saying they felt uncomfortable with the list being made, that their name was included in making it, but in reality they were really just sitting around and watched while the two of them were putting the list together, talking down several other people’s looks and talent in Smash in the process.
Jazzy later informed me how James continued to talk about me to both them and Purity, continuing to shamelessly invalidate my feelings on what I’d gone through with him. That he didn’t take my talk with him seriously nor did he even read what I wrote to him.
I tried remaining civil with him in public and keeping my mouth shut not only for the sake of my own mental health, but so as to not out Jazzy for leaking this information to me. But it became clear where James and I stood. Eventually we stopped talking and unfollowed each other.
Over the coming months, I would constantly be updated by Jazzy, Bizelion, Insomniac and several others that James had been harassing them in a similar fashion to what I had experienced. I quickly realized what I’d gone through was not an isolated event. But I still felt powerless to speak up and do something about it. I had seen and heard time and time again how this grown man was openly and privately bullying, harassing and preying on other members of this community. All while continuing to talk about Christi and me to Jazzy about slowly distancing ourselves from him.
I know what it’s like to not have someone in your corner when you’re figuring life out. I have only ever tried to serve as a light to others and to be there for and stand up for anyone who’d been abused by someone else. I felt like I was letting so many people down by not speaking up, but I didn’t feel safe to do so.
A week or two later is when Jon first hopped into my DMs, and my journey with him began. It’s interesting to see how after everything I’ve dealt with from Jon that he’s suddenly calling to James for support, when Jon was one of my biggest allies at the time that I had shared everything I’d endured from James with him.
I also can’t help but find the abundant amount of evidence against both James AND Brandon, that those are the two men Jon calls for support… It only goes to show Jon’s true character even further.
Skipping back ahead to this year, after the first night of Frostbite on Friday, February 21st, I was informed by Kevin (Amaryllis) and Frank that stories were being spread around the Long Island scene about me sexually assaulting Jon. I was mortified. As uncomfortable as it was, I knew right away I had to tell him what actually occurred. That I had never initiated any sexual advances towards him, and in detail, that what we shared was entirely consensual before I pulled away.
After hearing this, it became clear to me that after turning to Emily for support in the past as to what I’d experienced with Jon and with James, and seeing the way that all three of these people have continued to subtweet me for weeks after, that the reality of the trauma I endured did not matter. The truth did not matter. They can pull screenshots of me confiding to them in the past about my experiences in the Smash community and spin them in any way about me being a gossip or a clout chaser or whatever—all to deflect from the actual truth getting out.
That same night after speaking with Frank and Kevin, I became extremely intoxicated. I couldn’t cope with the thought of false stories being told about me, especially as someone who’s actually been on the other side of unwanted advances multiple times by multiple men in my past. Around 1-2am my phone had died, and I had no way of getting back to my hotel as I didn’t know the way. I was in such a dissociated state that I had planned on walking out of the main venue into the dead night of Detroit and forgetting about myself and what dangers might await a young, vulnerable woman walking out alone. Chris found me by the entrance, stopped me, and I cried my eyes out to him about everything that’d happened, everything that’s being said, all of it, and how I planned to take my life that night.
My mental health has only deteriorated from that event. Every other week, new stories have been popping up from multiple victims within our shared community. All the while, both Jon and James are still subtweeting their threats toward me and gaslighting the reality of their actions.
While I feel powerless to confront my own very real and very powerful demons, I still do my part to echo the others who’ve come forward and help make sure they have their support. Believe women.
Last week, less than an hour after making a tweet to support survivors while also vaguely touching on my own experiences, Jon messages me. This would be the first time we would be speaking since early February.
I’m immediately terrified and don’t know what to expect or what he has to say to me but he comes at me extremely aggressively in trying to convince me how I’m this awful and fake person who needs to change their ways and own up to what I’d allegedly done.
I’m well aware at this point at how impossible it is to get through to this man, so I do my best to try and hear him out and insist to him that all I want in this world is peace and civility. I beg him to please call me so we can talk things through but he refuses and informs me that the only way he’ll speak with me is if I also speak with 12+ other people who all have apparently wanted to take me down.
As anxious as I am, I try to reason with him in telling him I have no ill will towards him or anyone, that I’ve already made the decision to retire from Smash after being bullied out of my own community and lied about over and over again. I try to explain to him that my mental health has been awful. That I’ve been living with thoughts of suicide and bipolar depression, and that if he won’t even tell me who any of these people are or share with me what I supposedly did, that I wouldn’t feel safe to meet up with all of these people. It’s clear that his own ego won’t let him see me as the survivor of my story, but for the record, to anyone who may be reading this now: it is never okay to ask someone who’s been abused or assaulted to come forward to speak with their abusers directly… Especially when we’re going through a health pandemic…
After posting his egregiously false and incoherent videos, Jon mentioned publicly how quickly I am conceding to what he has to say to me in the screenshots he shared. I just want to make clear how I’m very much just trying to get him to see reason after everything he’s put me through, and feel as though I have no choice but to get down on my knees and jerk his ego off until I kill myself.
I was in no way ready to come forward tonight with my trauma and everything that’s being said and perpetuated about me by my abusers.
I am disgusted that I am being forced to come forward at all to set the record straight and not leave out a single relevant detail. A trans woman who’s already made her share of enemies last winter in speaking up for the bullying that my best friend had endured, the last thing I wanted to do now was go public again with something so personal.
But here we are. I see my friends reaching out, speaking up with their own experiences with these men, and voicing their unwavering support for me. The support I’ve received from my friends throughout all of this is what’s kept me going.
I am writing this today, as awful as it is, as someone who’s experienced abuse and struggled with very real thoughts of suicide due to the trauma I’ve endured by Jon and James. This past week since Jon and I spoke was one of the hardest things I’ve had to go through. And I see that it doesn’t stop. And even after I post this, regardless of outcome, I know this will always live with me and be a part of my journey.
When I first caught wind of the lies being spread about me on top of what I had already endured first hand, I was sent into a very dark place that I wasn’t sure I’d ever come back from.
But I refuse to wither away. I refuse to play into the narrative that just because I’m a woman who’s found her happiness and joy in her own skin, that I am to be complacent with the connotation that “boys will be boys” and that I should truncate my free-spiritedness in public because “men can’t handle themselves around women.” I refuse to sit complacently as the target of two bitter, rejected men with too much time on their hands.
I am not your fucking toy.
An apology is owed by these men. Not only to myself, but to the other ACTUAL survivors of abuse and sexual assault. You disgrace us all and you have no business being a part of any of our lives any more.