clementine 🏳️⚧️ #blacklivesmatter · @magyo_gt
29th Jun 2020 from TwitLonger
sleepyk asked to have sex with me at age 14
i want to preface this by saying if you're a family member of mine, please stop reading.
during super famicon 2017 and the year leading up to it, sleepyk frequently attempted to groom me. initially our relationship was platonic, in hindsight there were countless red flags but at the time when i was 13/14, i didnt see any of them. he would buy me food, clothes, games, and other things here and there. one time he drove to my house (from georgia to north carolina) just to see a movie and have lunch with me. being a young anxious trans kid, i craved validation for my appearance and physical traits. sleepyk gave me a lot of that validation, and because of that we became a lot closer. he was like a big brother to me.
some nights after drinking when his sober thoughts became drunk words he would ask for explicit pictures of me. earlier on in our relationship i'd send him platonic, non-suggestive pictures of myself specifically for him to compliment me and praise me, but that practice went sour very quickly. it became routine for him to ask for explicit pictures late at night. i didnt want to say yes, because just the thought of sending those kinds of pictures makes me sick to my stomach. but on the other hand i rationalized his actions, he'd bought me so many things and constantly consoled me through dysphoric breakdowns, i told myself that it was okay for him to request those kinds of pictures. eventually he sent me messages confessing that he masturbated to me, and sent explicit pictures of himself. it made me feel sick. i felt so sick and i still do. but even with my alarm bells ringing in my head, i didnt push him away, i still needed him.
a few weeks before super famicon, he asked to have sex with me. the thought of that terrified me. i never thought he'd take it that far, and i know it's extremely obvious in hindsight that those were his intentions but i was too young to understand the situation i was in. i declined and apologized to him. on the day of the tournament, i was really affectionate with him. however whenever i did anything, even if it was just kicking my feet up on his knees, he'd move me away or say that i couldn't do that here. it made me feel awful. even for something that small it was too "dangerous" as he'd say, and i realized that all i meant to him was the chance of sexual pleasure. at night when the venue was clearing out, we went back to my hotel room alone. in my room he proceeded to touch my thighs and lay his face on them. i wanted him to stop, but i didnt say anything. i was frozen and too scared to move. that's when a friend of mine, who i was sharing the hotel with, walked in. sleepyk immediately got off of me before my friend could see anything. i've constantly thought about what wouldve happened if he never walked in on time. i wonder if me saying no would even change the outcome. it terrifies me. after the tournament, i was distant with him. i ignored his requests for pictures, and every part of me wanted to ghost him entirely. after creating distance, the sexual requests stopped. he didnt get aggressive or try to force me back into it. i thought that after i had cut it off i would finally feel better and the feelings of being used and dirty and impure would go away, but they never have. he ruined the already awkward and uncomfortable transitional period of a kid starting high school. he eventually apologized one night, telling me that what he did was wrong. i regretfully instantly forgave him, i told him it was fine. it hurt me, but it was fine. i just asked him to not talk about what happened so i could be done with it. i continued to talk with him just as friends, despite my hatred him. i hated him, i genuinely did, and yet i never wanted to be mean to him. i wanted to speak out about it so badly, to protect other people from what he did to me, but selfishly out of embarrassment, anxiety, and not wanting to hurt him, i never did. seeing so many people in the fgc come out about sexual assault gave me a lot of courage to be able to talk about this, along with my incredible friends that have supported me no matter what. thank you so much to all of the inspirational people in the fgc that are working to make it a safer place.
just as a reminder, if you are acquainted with any of my family members, please do not share or mention this to them, thank you!