♡ Heartstar ☆ @ Commission Grind · @heartstar1389
26th Jun 2020 from TwitLonger
My experience with a twitch streamer..
WARNING: This is a very sensitive topic so if you feel sick or uncomfortable reading this, take a step back and you don't have to read the rest. Slow breathing and stay hydrated. Take care of yourself.
I've been anxious to share this publicly but I want to be able to be confident to share my experience and awareness for everyone's safety because no one should ever go through this.
Wednesday morning, I saw lots of tweets talking about how twitch streamers who were abusers were getting banned and their accounts were taken down. People were standing up and talking about their stories, and this whole #TwitchBlackout was going on. I decided to share my experience on stream Wednesday night.
It's been a year since this one specific person split (friend wise). From 2016 to beginning of 2019, I was groomed by a twitch streamer, Lysee or LateNightLysee, which I thought was a close friend that understood me. I was around 16 years old when I first met him and he left my life before I turned 18. He was around 28-29 years old when I first met him.
For 3 years, I have been under his wing and did my best to be a supportive friend. For years, I have been blamed on, yelled at, and had to deal with sexual things he wanted to do to/with me which I felt uncomfortable. I couldn't do anything that made me happy without being watched left and right. Twitch had a thing that showed who you watching and Lysee would ask me why I wasn't watching his channel and put so much guilt onto me. Everyone who knew him saw him as a nice guy and supportive and I felt so alone that I was the only person that saw his anger, crying, and childish behavior off stream. Even if I stand up for myself, he knocks down what I believe and put his own opinions onto me.
He was a late night streamer so he mainly streamed from 12am to 6am. Those were the only times I had free time for myself minus school hours (9-10 hours). When he's off stream, he would always want to call 24/7. He would want to sleep in calls, he would ask to call whenever I get home from school. No matter what, he always asks me what I'm doing. Who am I texting, who's stream am I watching, which friends I should be friends with.
He told me people I shouldn't be around and that he shouldn't support them but only him because he wanted to become grow big on Twitch one day. He would fake his happy personality as a good first impression on people. I rarely streamed because he always want me to be in his chat or in voice chat with him to keep in company.
He tends to ask for text rps which is mainly about sexual things which made me super uncomfortable. I had to be involved because he believed I would do anything for him because I was so vulnerable and I was scared to get yelled at again. He would ask to do skype video calls and jerk off and tell me what to do. I felt sick and when the call ends or transitions back to discord, I wanted to cry. I want to forget them. These situations happened over and over and told me to keep it a secret. I was scared to open to my family and friends. He would put guilt onto me such "You're the only person that gets me," "You're so special to me," "I'm nothing special and no one would listen to me." I wanted to be a nice friend.. I did show him that I care countless times and it frustrated me that I feel like I'm taking care of a child.
I told a friend about it and she did her best to speak up to some communities but instead, he saw her spreading these and ask streamers to ban her from communities and kick her out. People shunned her and were listening to what Lysee had to say since they had trust in him. I was in fear if I were to be next if I spoke up. He told me he was panicking and that he yelled at me that why did I tell her. I felt like I was on my own.
We have met about 3-4 times in person. It would either be anime conventions or concerts. The one time I met him in person was when he came over to my house and he ask me to do things which I felt uncomfortable to do. I do not want to go into too much detail but I felt like a toy to him. He touched me and hugged me and my mind was blank. Nobody was home.. He was that guy who gives all his leftover stuff he didn't want and give to me and wants a favor back. I tell him he doesn't have to because I felt bad and I don't ask for them. He left my house and I cried so much. That event is still drilled into my mind and I want to forget about it.
Some effects of the trauma is still in me today such as asking a friend "Can I do this?" even though they say "You do whatever you want to do" since I was so used to be told on what to do. I don't speak up too much because I was that quiet kid of if I speak up, people would yell at me back so it was hard for me to make friends irl. Depression hits me the most for the 4+ years of my childhood when it comes to what do I want to do in life, and social anxiety was hard when around friends, family, and even holding back participating in classes.
No one deserves to go through that, even at a young age. I thought he understood me and he twisted my words when it comes to talking about my friends and what people think about me. I was so open to him and I'm scared to go through that again, and I don't want people to associate with him. Seeing him come back onto twitch again with a new user made me upset and sick.
Ever since he and I split, I have been doing my best to take care of my mental and physical health from March 2019 til now. During those 3 years, I was confused of who I was as in image+hobby and what I wanted. I felt lost and was not used to being alone due to being trapped in 24/7 calls with him. He wanted me to avoid family and friend time and talk to him all the time. I never knew what I wanted to do I expect more of the negative back and I'm still not used to given the happiness and positive comments back. I was used to giving support and love and not getting the same loving favor back because of what he has done.
During mid-stream Wednesday night, he ran away again. Deleting his social medias and twitch account (or possibly change his name). This is the second time he has done this. He did the same thing last year when it was announced in a lot of communities he was involved him but wiped his "Lysee" name off the media. I do not know where he is today and I don't want to see him ever again. He ran away as a coward.
I am growing to be stronger and help not just me but others who have been through similar situations. I want to show him that I have grown confidence and I don't want him to step all over me again. He hasn't hurt me but 2 of my closest friends too.. I was still beside him when he went through relationships which I felt so uncomfortable for him to do because the 2 girls are so loving and special to me. Hearing that they went through similar stuff as me makes me want to puke. I will not say their names but they deserve all the love in the world and should not be around him anymore. I was so close to giving up but I made it through and I know you guys will find happiness and peace too.
I recently got back into streaming and drawing again, I found friends that will love me for me. I found a great and loving community that are there for me. I was motivated to maintain a schedule and stepping out from my comfort zone to meet new friends and communities. I never expected overwhelming comments and love before and I apologize for crying a lot. I never realized how many friends came into my life and wanna give the same love. I wanna thank everyone who has been in my life from ups and downs. Thank you for showing me the brighter side of Twitch and supporting me. If you're in a struggling situation right now, I believe you can make it through. Make sure you take care of yourself before you take care of others. Other people's problems are not your problems, they should notice that and do a self-check. I'm sorry if I made wrong assumptions onto people of what I said on stream too.
I apologize with my grammar being confusing here and there but I appreciate you reading this.
Have a nice day and even if I don't know you or ever met you, I care about you and I want safety and love for the people who have been either struggling or supporting.💖💖💖