I'm done being silent.
I’ve been seeing a lot of women coming out with their own stories over the past few days, and it’s given me the courage to speak out against my own abuser. Thank you for that, I hear you, I believe you, and I support you.
As difficult as it’s going to be, I want to keep this as short as I can, given the number of stories that have come out and how exhausted everyone must be.
My abuser is a well-known Twitch Staff member who happens to also handle partner’s accounts – including those of women. His name is Hassan Bokhari, and goes by ‘Hassan’ on Twitch. Hassan and I used to ‘date’ for the majority for 2015. When we got more serious, I was hesitant to us being public because I was afraid of being judged for dating a staff member on top of other things, so we weren’t ‘romantic’ in public. It was an extremely toxic relationship (from both sides), and I’d like to talk about the power abuse that I’ve witnessed, some things I know in regards to Luminosity/BSK, as well as how he violated me personally.
A tiny bit of background info on how we met etc:
We met in a Destiny community Discord group. I joined a group call that he was in, noticed that I didn’t recognize him so I asked for his Twitch channel. I found the channel, conversation literally lasted like 5 lines. A week or so later, he tweeted at me to let him know when I start my stream – so I did. That’s when we started to talk more.
In regards to power abuse:
- He would often rant about partners and often share confidential information about them – including DMs between him and partners, emails between him and partners, whispers etc. He’d share these with me in private, but also in group Discord calls where my community, him and I would all hang out in. In private he’d share them mostly vocally, sometimes through screenshare (I’ve seen things from partner dashboards/revenue dashboards, work emails, work group chats/emails (especially in regards to bans), personal partner contracts including the ones of some of the biggest streamers. He’d screenshare his work because he ‘enjoyed it when [I] watched him work’, and also to impress me), and rarely through text. In group calls he’d mostly rant about partners, especially if they DM’d him complaining about something, but also share company ‘secrets’. We would often know what was coming next on Twitch before anyone else. We would also know certain details about certain situations that most others would know because he was able to share it. This would happen often, and I wouldn’t be surprised if this behavior continued after we broke up.
- He abused his position /a lot/. I’m a prime example of that unfortunately, so I’m going to use myself just to name a few. The same day that I linked him my stream (after talking a few words of casual conversation), he messages me mid stream and asks me if I’d like to change my name from vio7_2 to ‘TrusttheCake’ to better fit my branding. I asked for Vio instead jokingly, which to my shock he agreed to, and changed it to ‘Vio’. He later that night links me a form. The form was meant for partners as a Christmas gift to them – it included lots of special things such as the purple Twitch hoodie. I was shocked – especially since I wasn’t even a partner. I mentioned that, to which he replied ‘don’t worry, I have a feeling you’ll be [a partner] soon’. Again, I replied in shock, and he let me know that he’ll have a team look into my account. The next thing I know, I get a text message, and it’s from him. He used the form to get my number, and I even called him out on it which he casually played off. The next day we were talking more, some through text, some through Discord - it was still lots of casual conversation that you have when you’re just getting to know someone as a person. Later on he suggested to wine and dine me, to which I wasn’t keen on. I told him it wasn’t possible since he was all the way on the West Coast, and I was on the East Coast. He then suggested flying to Maryland (where I lived at the time), saying that it’s only 100 bucks. I didn’t reply since I didn’t really know what to say. He continued by offering me a Pax East pass, where we could ‘get that legit wine and dine’. I responded by saying that I don’t really just agree to things like that, especially since I’ve only known him for a day. He played it off by saying that he’s just ‘totally messing with [me]’. He said I could still have the pass, and that ‘this kid knows how to talk to people and knows how to get things done’. This is when we started to talk more, when I started to trust him more and confide in him more, and when he started to slowly put pressure on me to date him day by day. I also remember that during this time he started to call me ‘babe’, which I let him know that I wasn’t comfortable with. His response was that he called most of his female friends ‘babe’. I eventually got used to it.
A few weeks later the topic of partnership came up after telling him that I felt bad for opening up to him about my struggles with streaming. He mentioned that a mutual friend of ours reached out to him in regards of my partnership, which he shared with me. After a bit of back and forth, he offered me partnership, but also mentioned that if I take it, we wouldn’t be able to talk the way we have been anymore. At this point I’ve been talking to him every day through text, voice and Discord and I didn’t want to lose his friendship. I declined, and was devastated that I had to make that decision. Partnership was my dream at the time and everything I’ve been working towards. He then noticed that I was devastated, and picked the topic back up. I let him know that I won’t be applying anyway (I was also being viewbotted at this time and knew that applying was pretty much pointless anyway), which he wasn’t okay with. He then sent me the form to officially become a partner, and called me to tell me to fill it out and reassuring me that it’s okay and that I deserve it. So I did. I regret that now.
I noticed that Hassan denied any involvement with the Discord/Discords that have been mentioned, and also mentioned that he’s distanced himself with the members involved once he found out.
This is extremely hard to believe for numerous reasons.
I happened to be in a call with Hassan when we found out that Luminosity was soliciting women for nudes. This happened before people knew about the Discord (Circle of Trust and/or Schmurda Gang?), and possibly before it even existed. Lumi happened to be streaming when the information came out (someone had shown him a screenshot of Lumi soliciting for nudes, which Hassan then also shared the screen shot with me), so Hassan went into his stream to let him know through chat that he wanted to talk. He ended up slapping him on the wrist for it, and that’s about it.
I also know that after our break up, Hassan, Lumi and Trav were /extremely/ close, and knowing Hassan’s nature I /highly/ doubt that they wouldn’t discuss anything in regards to their secrets.
The next thing I’m going to speak on however is what makes me doubt this the most.
He shared my nudes with my best friends.
I was in denial with this one and didn’t believe my friends for the longest time because of how high I held him in my thoughts, however after some proof I eventually believed it and I was furious.
What makes me angrier than anything is the fact that he went out of his way to violate my trust. I remember having a conversation with him shortly before, on how terrified I was that my nudes could get out, that I’ve never really done this before and that I’ve heard horror stories. He reassured me many times that he wouldn’t save or share them. I even sent them through snapchat for extra security in case he screenshotted it (since snapchat alerts you if you take a screenshot of a picture). He somehow managed to go out of his way to secretly take a screenshot, and the first thing he did was message my best friends, get in a call with them and excitedly announce that he ‘finally saw [my] titties’, then shared them. I felt humiliated, still do. I feel stupid for thinking that he wasn’t capable of doing something so horrible.
Last year I finally had the guts to confront him on him sharing my nudes after he reached out to me about owing him money from when he helped me out with college (which he insisted on and pressured me to accept his help on), and paying up out of ‘good faith’. I let him know that I knew about him sharing my nudes, however I didn’t tell him how I knew. He immediately denied it and asked for proof. I responded by saying that I didn’t need to show him proof and that it’s disgusting that he’s even asking for it. I later find out that immediately after the confrontation, he called one of my best friends he shared my nudes with, asking him if what I was saying was true, which my friend confirmed. I was told that Hassan said that if it were true, that he would take responsibility and apologize/make it right.
I’m still waiting.
This is where we get to the heavy stuff. I never thought I’d ever write this out, and it’s going to be hard as well as embarrassing. I’m going to try my best.
TW: Sexual Assault
Hassan was the most problematic when we were together in person. He was already extremely persistent online, especially in regards to pursuing a relationship with me, however I didn’t realize that this would carry over in person as well to the degree it did. The feeling of pressure and being trapped was at its worst whenever I was with Hassan – and especially when I was alone with him. He would try everything in his power to get me alone with him, whether it was in a room or empty hall, and when he did, he would try to get physical. I would immediately shy away and tell him no, which he would never respect. Every 5-10 minutes I would have to tell him no, again, however he kept trying – as if it were a challenge.
The first time I met him was a few weeks before PAX East 2015. He wanted to visit me to ‘get to know me’ better, and so that I’d be ‘less nervous meeting [him] at pax’. After some hesitation and some convincing, I eventually agreed to him visiting. I immediately noticed that he was a little too comfortable with me, especially when we were alone. I’d make sure to keep my distance as much as I could without it seeming weird, and I’d have to tell him to stop touching me any time we were alone – whether it was stroking my leg, arm, or just being uncomfortably close to me in general. The more he would pressure me and persist, the more I’d give in. Every time we were alone, he got a step further. By the last day of his visit, he managed to pressure me into kissing him when we were alone for the last time.
A few weeks later at PAX east, the same thing would happen. I’d have to constantly tell him no, he’d constantly try again, I’d give in more each time. One night, I was just about to wind down for the night and go to bed and he messaged me to meet up. It was extremely late, I can’t remember how late. I remember being drunk, and I remember agreeing because I didn’t want the night to be over yet since I was having a great time. I told him we could go to the rooftop of the hotel and chill. Eventually we ended up alone in a hotel hallway. Again, he started to get more physical with me, and again, I told him no. He’d get sad, and eventually ask me to sit on his lap. I felt bad so I did. That’s where he started to get touchy again, whispering into my ear and eventually putting his hands down my pants. On the inside I was panicking and I didn’t know what to do. After a few seconds I rejected him again and said no, and got off him. We then made our way to the staircase, where we sat down, and that’s where the pressuring started again. I’d say no, he’d try again, eventually I’d give in. He once again put his hands down my pants, and this time he went even further as to actually touch me. Again, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want him to be upset or feel rejected, I felt bad enough already. I just let it him touch me for a couple of seconds before I took his hand away again.
This pattern of pressure and persistency is basically how all of our in-person interactions went.
Each time he’d push my boundaries, seeing if he could get away with it. Each time I’d eventually give in, a little more each time.
Eventually he managed to pressure me into oral sex. By PAX West 2015, he managed to pressure me into sex.
I said no more times than I can count, but each time Hassan took no as ‘convince me’. The only time he actually stopped trying to ‘seduce’ me was when he was pressuring me again and I ended up having a full blown panic attack once because of it.
Part of me still feels like I deserved it – I’ve made mistakes of my own that I haven’t forgiven myself for yet. The most fucked up part is that I convinced myself that I actually did want it in the end. Since I gave in eventually, to me that meant that I must have wanted it. I’d even text him about how much I’d enjoy it, that I looked forward to kissing him or being held by him etc, however in person I always naturally kept my distance and could never figure out why. I felt no physical attraction towards him. For some reason that didn’t feel like a problem to me. Now I realize it’s because I never wanted it to begin with. I was preyed on, manipulated, gaslighted, violated, and sexually assaulted.
With everything that’s happened and all these incredible women coming out, knowing that someone like Hassan is in the position he is – I couldn’t stay silent anymore.
I understand that he’s done a lot for partners and Twitch, and that he’s especially done a lot for me, but I didn’t deserve this treatment.
Thank you guys for giving me the courage to speak out, and most of all thank you for reading/listening.