Seth · @AlwayzB_
24th Jun 2020 from TwitLonger
Insider looking out, looking in. My pointless ranting.
My experiences with Brandon are, compared to the information already out, trivial. So many more have been more greatly affected, and I implore you to seek them out, read their stories, and support their content should you want. I’m writing this up for mostly selfish purposes: closure, and to organize my memories and feelings that have been muddied and suppressed.
I joined Brandon’s community very early on. I spent so much time in that chat, hanging out and talking to people, and grew to love the community aspect. I became a mod in… 2012? 2013? I honestly can’t remember as that whole period of my life blends together. So much has happened, so many people coming and going, and so many signs of a greater distrust that should have been brewing, but I took all too long to accept it.
I’ve written this 20 different times, focusing on different aspects of my experience. But in the end I’m left with a bitter aftertaste, because things that I once cherished are destroyed. Friendships I’d made in the community were tested when I left the community, and now that it’s falling apart I lose some stragglers that have remained (fuck em tho).
And in the end, I don’t think I ever even meant anything to Brandon. He would only name drop me as a useful mod or when he was talking about “friends” he had in the community. I had spoken to him on a personal level so rarely, it was laughable. Most messages I sent him were ignored. Other times, if I slipped up ever so slightly, I would be berated. Yet that 1 small compliment here and there kept me going. My weakness, my need for validation of the work I’d put in, let me ignore all the other bullshit that was going on.
I look back on all the wonderful people in the community that I had known who suddenly vanished, either due to ‘drama’ (aka genuine complaints that got them ostracized), or behind the scenes issues. The first and worst for me was Mimi, who I just let slip away without reaching out. I still regret that to this day, and have tried reaching out today.
I didn’t just find a home with this community, I helped make it. I was damn proud of that. I did what I could to influence the culture of the group, but I couldn’t, or didn’t, push enough. Former mods will remember me basically having a breakdown in our mod chat over our Ban Policy. After running “diemHelp” for so long, and seeing the endless stream of good people getting banned over the PETTIEST shit, I was done. Each and every one of those people could have been another Mimi. Another Leerel. Another Jezzs. But we’d never know because they make 1 bad joke and you’re GONE.
And this policy doesn’t just go for random viewers. People were thrown out of the community for much less. I could be useful for years of (almost) free service, and yet if Brandon even thinks that I did something against him, he’ll spam message me “what the fuck. are you doing. never. ever. [do that]. that will literally. never be your decision”. I could try to ask him questions on behalf of others who have wondered but are afraid to approach him, and he’d ignore or insult me. One slip up and I knew I would be ostracized. I think I was only kept around because I was moderately useful, not because he ever actually liked me. And I get it, I was an annoying shit. Still am. But at least treat me like a person.
To anyone looking into the community from the outside, I get how it looked. Like we were all completely oblivious to everything, but that’s not true. We had an ideal instilled in us that “Brandon is a good person”, so even when he had temper tantrums, or horribly misspoke, or downright verbally abused people, we were conditioned to trust him. Many of us got into the community at a young age. That doesn’t excuse it, but I hope help explains. Manipulation and cult-like loyalty is a very powerful thing that is only really noticeable once you view from the outside.
To those in the community, accept how you acted. The small, yet important bits of tacit approval you made. Following the hype, hating on those you were told to hate on, and conflating genuine concerns and criticism as just more drama. To anyone that I slighted while doing “my job”, I’m sorry. I wish I had known better and done better. Be very aware of the things you learned over the years through him, and how they may be indicative of his now revealed true character. Many of the charities were performative and just used to defend his shitty personality. Yes, he did good things, but that does not make him a good person.
And to anyone who actually made it to this point, thanks for reading my rant. There’s many things I left out: The inside stories I got full of bias and lies, the slow change I saw in many community members, and the genuine fear I’ve seen in people when they want to approach him but felt like they couldn’t. But at the end of the day, if I may be so selfish, I’m happy he got what was coming to him. I wish he was the man I thought he was, but I guess he never actually was in the first place.
Check out https://www.twitch.tv/moggi (after today's blackout). He taught me how to enjoy streams again.