For those of you who don't know me, I'm Cap's wife. I've been watching a lot of this stuff unfold and it brought up memories that weren't very pleasant. I've been through a lot of terrible things and I've been working through it with a professional for the last year and a half on a weekly basis.

For those who don't understand trauma and PTSD, it's like reliving the same experience vividly over and over again. It's like it happened 5 minutes ago. You remember every single detail. It's not just what you saw, it's what you heard, what you smelled, and what you felt. Every single detail.

I apologize that I'm not as strong as the people who came out with their stories. I've been through so many things and it might seem selfish, but I don't want to relive them over and over again, especially publically.

I've worked in the industry since 2009, where I originally worked for EA in Romania as a QA tester. The only person who knows everything I've been through is Austin. In the past few days I've been extremely anxious, as I don't want any of my trauma to be public. That said, I feel there's a lot of community pressure and I feel some responsibility for speaking out, what little I can.

This problem is systemic. It's in the community, it's in the talent, it's in the players, it's in the tournament organizers, it's every fucking day life. As I've revealed to Austin all the abuses that I've been through, he has wanted to say something, whether they were in the scene or not. I feel like I've put him in a hard position as I've told him "This is my story, and it's mine to tell. Please don't say anything to anyone"

I don't like to put myself out there and there are very few people who actually know me. Even though I've probably talked to a lot of you online or in person. I honestly don't know how to explain this but I feel guilty and selfish, but I still can't do it. I still can't name names like so many people ask for.

What I'm most afraid of is being looked at as a victim. For people to look at me with that look in their eye that, so full of pity. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable and a victim. I'm so much more than a victim, but yes, I am a victim too. Austin never looked at me like that. He looked at me with compassion, and heartbreak but never pity. That's why I was able to talk to him about all of this.

This first time I met Austin, it was because someone was drunk and wasn't accepting No for an answer. Despite me clearly being in some distress and uncomfortable, nobody seemed to want to help until he stepped in. He told the person they were drunk and sent them to their room and made sure I was ok. I was so relieved.

The first time he kissed me, he asked if he could. Growing up in a different culture, I thought this was weird and made fun of him. I then promptly insisted he follow me and got us lost, despite his warnings that this was not a shortcut. Sorry this was not related but I needed something to laugh about while talking about something so heavy.

I've had a few incidences in this industry that were unacceptable, creepy and uncomfortable. I was lucky enough to have someone to talk to about this and never had anything doubted. If anything, whenever I thought I was crazy, he reinforced that what I experienced was not ok.

I don't want to ruin anybody's lives. You can try to tell me that it isn't my fault, but the way I'm built, I will assume responsibility anyway. No amount of words will change that. Please understand that I don't want to carry that burden. To me, that is another trauma that will stack on top of so many others. If you want to address this privately, you can reach out to me. But I don't know how much information I'm comfortable giving.

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