Jazzman · @jazzmanwastaken
24th Jun 2020 from TwitLonger
Let's talk about abuse.
It's time. Like many others I've been silent. I very much consider myself an ally to all groups marginalized and I wouldn't be one if I didn't post this in solidarity with the women gaining the courage to speak out about their abuser. This isn't easy but, seeing all the strength from the women ( and now men as more have come out since I've typed this) on my timeline and the one who used to support him being outraged is empowering me beyond belief, so let's do it.
Brandon.
I started as a sub and supporter of his. I played in his games, I talked in his chat. It was my first streamer that I supported and the first community I was truly a part of.
Early me didn't care that his name alone was divisive, because I respect the greater part of what he had to offer to smitegame and twitch as a whole.
He talked about important issues, he had extremely cool and fun people surrounding him, he connected with his subs and generally used his platform to help those who weren't as fortunate as him at the time. Which is why at the start, and for a long time after, he had my unfettered support.
I started to get closer to him after he modded me in his channel, right before he left for his wedding.
This is when, looking back now, his generosity blinded me to certain serious red flags in his behaviour. I could sit here and list the things that he did for me, and subsequently typo, monetarily over the years but please understand when I accepted it, I didn't see alterior motives behind it.
In some cases I REALLY should have.
I always knew he was angry, but I didn't realize with that anger came SERIOUS emotional manipulation and subsequent abuse. I witnessed it between his friends/mods and himself and ignored it to an extent, but their stories aren't mine to tell. Just know there are more than you think.
I will start with the most prevlant experience in my mind when I think about the emotional manipulation and how it ultimately affected my mental health and streaming career from the start.
It was one of my very first streams. I had been on twitch for years but I had gained the courage to do what I really wanted to and that was entertain those who would bare watching me. It was right after Brandon's Darwin open beta tournament, The Darwin games I think it went by.
I remember I won the games and right after he hosted my stream with his numbers so my emotions were on MAX. After my stream he talked to me about how I sound different on stream than I do in real life. 'I know how you sound and it isn't like that.' He said it reminded him of Pro_Kesadia. Think about that for a second. A 30 year old white dude telling a young black male he sounds like another black male he doesn't like and that he should stop.
And here's where might never forgive myself for actions. I listened and allowed what he said to influence my perception of a person that I barely had any interactions with, most of which were highly positive? The worst part about it is that, that perception stuck for such a long time and I didn't question it, until i started to question him(in my own thoughts) and for that Kesa I am deeply sorry. Even though you never knew it, I'm sure you could assume it as I was close to him for a long time.
This trend of using his influence to warp my perceptions of the people around me did not stop. And it came to and ultimate boiling point when a rift suddenly (at least it was sudden to me) opened between the people I cared about the most which at the time was including him.
To tell another but not entirely separate story. I remember during this rift I saw him in NY. We met at a friends house to hang out with people who don't live in the states and were visiting for a short time. During this visit I notice nothing but pure passive aggresivism from him, so much so that he wouldn't even look me in the eyes. And I'm CONVINCED it was because of what he thought I knew in regards to the split in his own group, as I was extremely close to both sides.
This is all ignoring the amount of lowkey emotional manipualtion and abuse that happened on stream while we played games together.
To wrap this up, I wanna say to those of you who read this, thank you. To those of you who noticed I wasn't around Juice as much anymore but still maintained friendship, SUPER thank you.
To those of you who spoke up and those of you who will speak up, and endless gratitude I have for you.