My personal hell. (TW: unsolicited oral sex, suicide)
This week has been weighing heavy on all of us. So many of us are tired from the pandemic, fed up with the racism in our society and in law enforcement, and now, we have people finally coming forward about the abuse and harassment they've suffered, mostly by the hands of the people in the gaming or streaming industry. And in seeing the bravery and courage that these men and women have had, it got me thinking. Maybe it's time people heard my story. And why I am where I am in life. I'm going to dig up some traumatic moments in my life, and I'm hoping I can hold myself together while I write this, as it's 2 in the morning and I'm shaking. Before I get into details though, Im going to give you a little context to maybe make things make sense.
I'm high functioning autistic. I also suffer from major depressive disorder and high anxiety (as my prior diagnoses states). I tend to have a hard time fitting in with people, and making friends, and people like us value those connections above all else. I also can think and act on impulse, to my own discredit. So if my actions in the following paragraphs seem weird...well...that's partially why.
My story begins when I was 12, and in middle school. I wasnt making friends that easily, and I was often seen alone, and avoided by others. I was on ADHD medication at the time as well. I met this guy, Matthew. He was a singer, and also kinda was a bit awkward too. We talked a little bit and we became friends eventually. Fast forward to a month or so later, during mid-winter break. He invited me to stay the night at his house. To me, I was 12 so I was like "Yeah sure cool". And we ended up playing videogames and other things (It was such a long time ago and I dont remember the details.) But one thing sticks out in my mind. Truth or Dare. We were young and stupid, so obviously we were very naive about things. But that's when he asked me "Truth or Dare". I said Dare.
He dared me to take off his pants and...suck him off.
Granted he was like one year older than me, so we were both still kids, but still. The thought made me reel back a little. I told him "No, thats weird". He's like "Ok fine". So maybe it was a joke or something, right? Well I wish it was.
Later that night, we both fell asleep, and it must have been around midnight when I noticed it. (Btw I feel like now is an appropriate time to mention that I sometimes sleep with my mouth open....you can probably guess where this is going next.) I felt something go into my mouth, and as soon as I opened my eyes I saw him straddling me with his dick barely past my lips. I shot out of bed and told him that I wanted to go home, like RIGHT THEN and THERE. I had never felt so violated before, I had no idea how to feel. So I....said nothing. And tried to forget it. I havent ever told anyone about this, but this is why I sort of cringe when I see a dick that close. And that's part of the reason that, despite being bi, I am afraid to ever get close to a guy, especially if we were to become romantically involved. It may seem insignificant, but that trauma haunts me to this day.
And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
Now we go into my college years. I'm at Community college one day and I met this guy. His name was Alan. We bonded over the fact that we both liked Youtube Poops (which were popular at the time.) Eventually we also became friends and hung out a lot. His parents were nice, especially his grandma. And Alan had his own Youtube channel called "BigAl2K6", that he had a lot of subscribers to at the time. (About 8k I believe). His videos were primarily focused on rants and things of that nature. With time I got involved with his videos and often helped him with the videos in one way or another. But every time we hung out, whether it was at his house or somewhere else, he would talk about no one else but himself and his videos. Any time I brought up my interests they were swiftly brushed aside and replaced with whatever he wanted to talk about. The friendship was mostly like that the entire time. But I dared not speak up because he was my only real IRL friend at the time. This is about the same time I adopted the original Youtube name "Chibinekodemyx", which would be my persona for a long time. And eventually I started making my own videos, and tried to get his approval on them, to which his response was "Yeah whatever". So I went right on ahead being his lapdog.
Eventually, we came into a group of people through college, who would later be our cosplay group, and we hung out with them. I dont remember when it was, but I remember having an idea to have a miniature convention at the college, and we were going to call it "Osakacon" or something of that nature. So to I guess "promote" the con (?) I had the brilliant idea to make a video of myself dressed as L from Death Note with a shitty wig and plaid pajamas. Not long after that the video went viral. But..not for the right reasons. This was my first instance of "cringe" behavior I'm now so famous for. And Al ate that shit up. He'd dog and tease me about it every chance he got, belittling me for my shitty cosplay, and use words like fa**ot and sp*z to describe me. And despite all that, I still kept being his friend and hanging out with him. I had no idea I was being manipulated because all I saw was "I had someone to hang out with".
Now we go to my twitch days. I had migrated from Youtube to Twitch since a friend of mine was doing it at the time, and was learning speedrunning, which is what got me into it. I had been streaming Pokemon mostly on the platform, and it was Pokemon X and Y, during which time I was heavily gaslighted by a streamer named RaqibMarvelous. My memories of this time are hazy, so I wont go into detail, but rest assured he is a horrible human being and has since been ousted from the community. Did that for about a year before I got partnered. Upon getting partnered, I changed my name from chibinekodemyx to "Chibi". Since I was a partner, I was allowed to do that. Months later I caught wind of a Speedrun marathon called SGDQ, in Colorado. I was excited to go, as it fell during my birthday weekend. I still didnt really know anyone, so I was mostly by myself, trying to make friends. (which largely consisted of "hey please follow me on twitter") And everything seemed fine. I caught wind in the practice room one night that this runner (Grav I think it was?) was gonna run Bubsy in the morning, and I was like...."Oh sweet, maybe I can couch for the run?" He said sure.
Morning of the 25th comes. Me, Trihex, SSBMStuff and Grav are on the couch meming about Bubsy, and having a good time. SSBMs Spyro run was next. I stayed there since we were friends at the time, and the couch was empty. (I didnt know at the time that the couch was supposed to be reserved for other runners and people who knew the game). Then came a streamer whose name you're all familiar with. CavemanDCJ.
He sat down to play his game, Tomba 2. SSBM also stayed on the couch after his run, and I decided to do the same. And....you all know what happens next. After a barrage of unfunny quips here and there, he let me have it and told me to be quiet in front of a live audience of 50,000. My body went numb. I had no idea how to react or move. And the donation reader didnt help things by reading a donation that read "Thank you for allowing me to witness the most awkward moment in history". And again when they told me to do jumping jacks. I wanted to forget that ever happened. And not much later, GDQ staff (including Mike Uyama) approached me and basically told me that I was making them look bad and that if I caused one more disturbance like that, I'd be banned from attending GDQ again. My heart shattered into a million pieces, and the whole trip was ruined. I wanted to go home. I had never suffered such large scale embarassment in my life. And it would only continue when I returned home.
From that point forward, I was a laughingstock. I was shunned and banned from communities, my name was blacklisted in streams and discord servers, I was an outcast. And upon trying to rebuild what little dignity I had left, I was assaulted by a group of people on 4chan. They would go into my stream, hate raid with racial slurs and homophobic messages, And before long, they would acquire personal information from me. My address, my house phone number, email addresses, everything had been compromised. And they would use that information to make calls to my house, put in orders for food in bulk, threaten to kill us over the phone, and even attempt to SWAT us. We were terrified. My mom was hysterical and my stepdad was angry. And to make matters worse, they found dick pictures I sent to an ex of mine that somehow ended up online. And they were spreading a rumor about how I was a pedophile because I dated someone who was 17 when I was 18 or 19 when I sent that. (And yes it was consentual, I asked first.) But with all of that happening at once, I had no choice but to abandon twitch for a while.
Then comes 2015. One year later. I begin to take interest in the Paper Mario speedrunning community, and they were willing to have me join it, and people were hard at work trying to figure out a way to do Palace Skip in to skip a significant part of the game. I was learning the run for any%, that had a trick in it called "Double Jump". And it was notorious for being an exremely difficult trick. And one I wasnt good at. So I hatched a plan to try to "fake" the run by using a levitation hack to emulate the glitch. Because by any means, I wanted to be respected and seen as an equal, and not a lesser person. But of course, that backfired when Malleo called me out and accused me of cheating, After that happened, the run was never finished, and after the realization that I'd been caught had finally hit me, I stopped dead in my tracks. This incident would further blacklist me from communities, and result in me being banned in many more channels. And it was this event, that set everything else into motion.
Now keep in mind, I dont intend for this to be a laundry list of my fuckups, because if that were the case, I'd be here all day. I did other stupid stuff too, like hosting an online funeral service for Satoru Iwata that a LOT of people found disrespectful, constantly begging for raids and hosts, while also constantly self-promoting myself in streams and servers, and hosting a speedrun marathon that ultimately got sabotaged by trolls and resulted in gay porn being streamed to twitch (Thankfully not from my channel). And I deserved all of the backlash I got from my decisions. But what I didnt deserve, is what followed. And I warn you. It's about to get bad.
Jump to 2017. It was June 27th. Someone on twitter tells me that the youtuber Pewdiepie put me in a video. I raised a skeptical eyebrow. Pewdiepie? Really?
Sure enough...it was real. And it was every bit as horrifying as I'd feared. Every second of the video he spent laughing and cackling about how "beta" I was. Saying things like "No one wants to be a Chibi". The video he's reacting to is of course, the SGDQ 2014 video. And the more I watched it, the more my heart sank. The most popular youtuber on the platform was literally witch hunting me, for no other reason but "lulz". And it didnt stop there, oh no. He went a step further and made sure to include a clip from my stream where I was yelled at by my mom for staying up so late. He was going out of his way to ruin my life. Because he could.
And he did. What followed was the worst trolling I have ever recieved since 2014. Calls were made to my house again, pizzas were being ordered, they were posting my number and address in my twitch streams CONSTANTLY. I was getting hate raids one after another with more racist usernames and...It got to the point where there was so many trolls mods couldnt keep up. And my mom told me that the streams....once more....had to stop. I had enough. I tried reaching out to twitch about the harassment...even my partner manager turned a blind eye. They said "the only thing you can do is report them, you cannot IP ban them". I called the police to see if they could do anything. Of course they laughed. I was in utter despair. I couldnt take anymore.
That's when I attempted suicide. I strangled myself with a cable, and tried to drink detergent. Thankfully my body ejected the detergent before it did long term damage. But to think that people I didnt know, had this much power over me, was unreal. I felt like my hope for living was lost, and I had no reason to survive anymore. I had to be put in a mental hospital after that. What followed was the eventual divorce of my mom and stepdad after 23 years. And I was the one to blame.
I'm not perfect. I've done my share of stupid things, and people know me for those stupid things. But I'm still here, and that's why Im sharing my story. My life isnt perfect, nor is it where I wish it was, but I feel better now, I've met some amazing friends in the Mario Maker and Goose Game communities, and I want to be an inspiration to others not to throw their life away. I've been battered, beaten and bruised by what life has thrown my way, but I've always come back in one way or another, and that wont ever change. I'm changing, I'm learning, and I still have a ways to go. But dont ever think that your struggles arent heard or dont deserve to be heard. I look forward to the day that the abuse and harassment stops, and we can enjoy the platform for what it's supposed to be: A community for everyone.
I know this was long winded...but thanks for reading.
And Pewdiepie? Fuck you.