Veronica 'Nikatine' Ripley #BlackLivesMatter · @NikatinePrime
22nd Jun 2020 from TwitLonger
My experience. I'm actually shaking *CW*
TwitchCon 2018.
It was my first big games convention. I was excited, and more than a little nervous. Here I would finally meet some of the other trans streamers I watched and looked up to as pillars of community.
I would like to preface the following by acknowledging the fact that trans people are forced to relearn social queues and interaction. We all make mistakes, we've all been embarrassed and had an awkward moment. This is not about one of those moments.
I spent much of my time during the con in a big group of trans women, mostly streamers. Many of these streamers are friends with each other through similarities they share; femme appearance, slight figures, an attraction to the cute and "smol". I felt like an outlier, there only because I was dating someone, another trans woman streamer in this club.
One of the nights we went out to a bar in San Jose, I don't remember which one. At this bar, one member of the club started groping my ass. Shocked, I pushed her hand away, and she did it again. I got up, moved to another place in the bar, and shortly thereafter left. I was shaken. I kept it a secret for the rest of the con, but after I came home I told my girlfriend, who had no response. A few months later, the girl who groped me would try to force a dialogue with me by stealing some of my emotes and messaging me about it. Seeing her and being forced to interact with her caused me a lot of stress. A year later my girlfriend would ghost me, I assume because I did not fit the requirements for the club. The two remain friends, along with the circle of cozy smol streamers.
On the final day of the con, I was asked to attend a short introductory meeting with a representative from OPG in the lobby of the Marriott. It was implied I was going to be offered to sign with them. I attended the meeting, and everything seemed like it was going well. The representative then asked if we could move the meeting up to his hotel room. I declined, and the mood immediately chilled. I was not asked to sign with OPG.
What bothers me most about both of these incidents isn't that I was young, naive, and impressionable. It's that for so long, I've considered myself the opposite, and have spent hours, days, months, years trying to reconcile how I could have been made to feel that way. Blaming myself for being in the position at all. Blaming myself for feeling this affected, for being so caught off guard. I never anticipated being groped by someone I thought I knew, or trusted. I never expected to be asked to "move this up to my room" during a business meeting.
It is not my will to begin a witch-hunt, nor is it something from which I would see an ounce of joy. I want only to make other young streamers aware of the dangers they might not expect in this industry. To be perfectly crystal-clear: I do not want to discuss this in my stream. I do not want to discuss it on Twitter. I do not want to discuss it at all. I have tried very hard to move on, and forget about all of these people. Please don't ask me to relive it, especially not while I'm livestreaming (instant ban).
Stay safe. We're in this together.