to my communityy
hi everyone :D it is meee jaime
i wanted to open up with you guys today. i’ve been keeping to myself for a while now because i didn’t really know how to go about it... but i want to be as honest as possible & i think this is what i need to do to be able to move on.
for the past 6 months i haven’t been streaming much. it’s nothing surprising haha but i have been streaming a lot less than i used to. the reason being is i have really bad anxiety attacks right before i stream where i can’t control my shaking, crying and self-destructive behavior. i become filled with feelings of guilt and shame, and i really can’t start streaming no matter how hard i try.
i didn’t want to bring this incident back to the surface because i am very ashamed but i think i really need to if i wanna be transparent with you guys. i was involved in controversy last year of june where i was in a viral racist clip from an IRL stream. i‘m sure most of you have seen it and if you haven’t you can definitely find it with a quick google search. i quickly apologized on my stream (there’s also a clip of my apology within my top clips on twitch) and it died down after a while. even though the internet was (rightfully) all against me, my close friends & community were supportive & forgiving & i’m forever grateful for that.
i was okay at first but a few months after the incident i started feeling extremely guilty and ashamed of myself. there wasn’t a day that went by where i didn’t beat myself up for what i did. i lost all my confidence & felt like i didn’t deserve anything i had. i went and sent essays of apologies to anybody i hurt or offended because of that incident. i didn’t want forgiveness, if anything i started to feel extremely undeserving of any support or love i got. i started pushing my community away and my friends who cared about me. i never hated myself so much & there were times where i felt like i didn’t even deserve to live. i distracted myself by going out a lot, having a really bad sleep schedule, just a lot of unhealthy habits developed for me.
after going to therapy i became more aware of my feelings and tried to take steps to improve. for the past month i’ve had a really healthy sleep schedule, i’ve been going to the gym 5 times a week, i’ve been trying to be productive & i try to spend a lot of time and care into my friendships and family. but it’s still really really really hard for me to stream. and i really really really miss streaming. trust me i love streaming with all my heart. i miss my community a ton. i’m just scared that my words or actions will hurt people once i go live, and i never want to ever make someone feel that way ever again.
also if i ever hurt anybody with my words or stupid actions i am so so sorry. i loved streaming because i could share fun loving energy with everyone and enjoy the things i liked with people who liked the same things. i love to spread happiness so the fact that i did the opposite to people, i am still so sorry if i ever hurt you to this day. really i am so so so sorry.
with that being all said thank you so much for listening to me... if you read up to this point thank you for lending an ear to hear what i had to say T_T and for those of you who have unconditionally supported me and shown me so much love, thank you soo much from the bottom of my heart. <3 idk what i did to deserve any of it but thank you. if anything i also feel guilt for letting you guys down haha i am just a giant ball of guilt LOOL okay sorry i shouldn’t joke about that but i’m working on it every single day :) love u guys