Taimou · @DF_Taimou

10th Nov 2019 from TwitLonger

Low on Fuel.. for now

I wrote a even longer story here but I made myself look clinically mental so instead I'm just dribbling something here.

Maybe we still need a "small" story time from the start to now and lessons I've learned

I'm just a dude with no other prospects or aspirations than to be a pro gamer. A sad fucker basically, but really fucking good at video games.
Through a combination of luck and a fuckton of passion I land myself a job as a pro gamer in Overwatch. It's going great.

My stream has BIG viewership for a month or two. I gave it up because drinking was more fun and I got lazy thinking that I can just be a pro gamer forever.
This is a big mistake that will haunt me forever.

Late 2016 is when my downfall started already. I developed a drinking habit and got complacent.

Our team is still good but riddled with IRL problems that indirectly caused sadness and uncertainty within the team.

I feel like shit. I'm still very good at the game but I feel like shit. Meta went dive and I never wanted to adapt. I hated it so much that I really really wanted to quit and I was frustrated that I just couldnt do whatever I dont wanted anymore.

Looking back I probably could have done whatever the fuck I wanted with hog, mccree and widow if I practiced more and would have been a better teammate trying to push the team to improve as hard as we did in 2016.

But at some point I should have adapted since I didn't practice more. I should have played tracer or genji but I didn't want to. They just didn't fit to the narrow view of mine of what this game should have been. Instead of babyraging about how fucking broken dive was I could have given in and just accepted and maybe even enjoyed it at some point.

Hindsight quitting at this point would have probably been the smartest choice. But adapting to what the devs put out and wanted would have been a close second.
Should have been a mccree one trick streamer lole.

OWL starts. It's not good but it's not horrible either. Things could have been much better if I was smarter.

I land myself on some good money, lose it all and go in debt. (I'm almost out of this shit hole don't worry but dear god don't be greedy and manage your money well. Don't be me)

It still haunts me and makes me go sleepless when I think of this saga. I basically first managed to gain a sense of security by getting access to money that I could dream of buying a house, a car, buy nice things for myself and my family.

I didn't have to think of job security for a while. I was almost set. I dug myself a way out from OW by first being smart and then fucking it ALL up by being stupid.

Now my only way to get back on track in life is to continue as a pro gamer. Stream is ded, moneys gone and im in debt.

I do decent at the end of season 1 and keep myself a spot for season 2.

Now before we move to 2019 I really want to talk about Team Finland of 2018. I had to play Brig which I oddly found fun. Not that that playing the hero was fun but I had so much fun being able to actually call tons of plays and feel impactful again since tracer wasnt a thing.
I adapted on a easy hero but at least I did. It made me like the game again for a while since 2017. Tracer players fucking hated me and I loved it.
We did some bad decisions for Blizzcon and flopped it after almost beating Korea in front of their homecrowd.
We tried playing dive or some dumb shit against goats because for some reason we lacked selfconfidence. Can't get more Finnish than that.

Season 2 starts yadayada I feel like I'm insanely good at GOATS in both understanding it and playing Brig and being a good shotcaller.

Our tryouts for starter spots were very short. Maybe 2 days of scrims at max.

I felt dumbfounded I didn't land myself a starter spot. It felt like a bad dream. I was on the bench but I still trusted the coaching staffs vision and sucked it up for a while.

I still felt like we could have been just as good with me in or maybe even better than what we did in stage 1 and 2. Or maybe it would have been a complete shit show from the start. We will never know.

Either way it was insanely hard for me to be on the bench. I couldn't receive playtime neither help to improve my play in a goats meta in ranked since it was just pointless.

I just wish I was smart enough on my own to start prepping for the inevitable switch of meta at some point but I was too focused in dwelling in the feelings of hate, jealousy and other dumb shit.

Do I think the coaches could have told me this or helped me in some ways?
Absolutely but I still can't blame them for anything. I don't think they believed in my ability to be a toptier player anymore since season 1 and blizzcon were shit shows. I just didn't have any proof and it's not their fault really. If I played my cards right earlier I probably would still be a starter in the team.

I had let what others say get into my head and started really questioning my ability heavily. I was so fucking sad and in my head I felt like I was useless. (Never let this happen to yourself)

Well either way I stopped practicing for months. Maybe a game or few a day max. I participated heavily in strat talks but that was it. I was so sad and down and couldnt accept things the way they were.

Suddenly im in for NYXL game, remember that nailbiter. God damn I played like a maniac in like for like 2-3 maps but I was so out of practice I was basically on just fumes at this point and played like shit the rest.
I finally got scrim time but my unwavering confidence I had built in the first 2 years of my pro career was gone. Poof. I basically killed the old me by being a pussy and just keeping everything inside me, dwelling, festering like cancer.

I never won a game in season 2. Everything was gone. My status (whatever was left of it anyway.) My feeling of self.

But not all hope is lost. At least I will never give up on hope or myself. That means I'm not quitting Overwatch as a pro. My pride will never allow failure again.

I've started practicing again. I still feel like an empty husk but there are the bits and pieces of what used to be a fucking good pro gamer and entertainer. I will use those as building blocks to regain myself, the trust of my colleagues and other players and the community.

It seems that I always find a way no matter what. I just need to use what I learned from my mistakes to not throw it away at the crucial moment.

I know the whole text is a mess etc and I end it a bit abruptly but its just memories and thoughts splurged from my phone keyboard at 3-4.30am so apologies for that.

TL;DR: dont make mistakes 5Head or at least learn from the first time so you don't end up being me. I'm not quitting and I don't even know anything about where I end up yet. All I know is that I can still make it.

PS. Big thanks to everyone currently and formerly Envy
/Fuel, my fam, my girlfriend Jessica and hastr0. And to everyone who I learned something from.

Thanks for reading

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