shannon · @_Shannoniganz
6th Sep 2022 from TwitLonger
elegant (tw)
I never wanted to do this, and I had a much more emotional version of this thought up, but I am going to keep this somewhat short and to the point. This situation has emotionally exhausted me and caused me overwhelming stress for the past few days. I'm tired. I'm tired of hearing the stories of this person's drunken antics, enough is enough. This incident has totally drained me emotionally and while I am not directly calling for any action, I urge everybody to read this story and form your own opinions. I understand the burden of proof is on me and these situations were 95% “in real life”. I’m feeling extremely defeated over this entire situation and want nothing more than for it to be over.
This is about Elegant.
We used to be good friends but we're not anymore, and this is why.
We knew each other for a few years and had hung out in groups and alone many times. I had been drunk around him many times. He got me back to my room when I was very drunk at Riptide 2021, and nothing happened. I went to visit him, and a friend and we mostly hung out in private/not at an event, and nothing happened. This was someone who was very close to me. There was a brief period I thought "what if" but that was very short lived as I realized what kind of person he was, and it was someone I would never be interested in like that. I knew way too much about him, including the bad. Regardless, I had no reason to believe he would ever take advantage of my trust. We decided to room together at Collision 2022, and we booked a room with 2 queen beds, and the room ended up being a suite with a living area as well. Plenty of room for 2 people.
Saturday night I ended up getting very drunk and drinking something that I never had before, and I ended up blacking out. Long story short, I was drinking jungle juice with everclear. I wish I could tell you more in detail but the small amount I remember makes me want to throw up. We had sex. I do not remember most of it. I woke up the next morning feeling disgusted. I don't even remember how he got into my bed or what he even asked me to come over. I remember him saying SOMETHING to me from his bed. I remember a moment of him on top of me. That's it. What I do remember the next morning is waking up next to him and going to the bathroom and sobbing. I called someone and sobbed so loud it woke him up. I felt disgusted with myself. I remember pulling myself together and how ironically our outfits were coordinating unplanned, and even that made me feel gross.
Sunday morning is an absolute blur. After we got to the venue I still felt like crying, so that's what I did. I went to the bathroom and cried; I was texting someone else who knew him. Originally, I was going to say something then. For whatever reason, I got scared and backed out. That same fear is probably 100x stronger now. Once I decided to "move on" I put on a brave face as best I could, I just wanted to be home. I had to deal with some personal things because of what happened alone, he texted me once to check on me. I really didn't care because I didn't want to talk but I think that's incredibly uncaring given that he had seen how I initially reacted that morning. I removed him as a friend, unfollowed, stopped him from following me, etc., shortly after that. The next time we would interact was Sunday at SSC.
I really was going to let the above incident go once I decided to put on my brave face, I chalked it up to me being irresponsible and blacking out. I thought I should have had better control of myself. I vowed to never drink what I drank again and move on. I was going to let it go until SSC. Sunday at SSC everyone was at Two Amigos, that kind of become the spot that everyone had been gathering. I was also drinking this night but well within my limit, I have a much clearer picture of this night.
It wasn't until Sunday that I saw him there and decided to go up to him, everyone was drinking and having a good time. I didn’t want there to be any animosity. I just wanted him to look back and hopefully let what happened between us be a wakeup call to not drink so much and get everything under control. I walked up to him and the first thing I said was basically that I loved him, he was one of my best friends but that I needed him to work on what needed to be worked on. He spent the next bit of time hanging all over me, so much so that a friend walked by me and jokingly told me to “make good choices”. While he was hanging all over me, he kept asking if we were “good” and if “everything that happened was okay”, I reiterated that it was, but I NEEDED him to work on what he needed to work on. During this time, I ended up texting people to come to this side of the bar as I was beginning to get uncomfortable.
Eventually I ended up going outside to smoke and he came with me, continuing to hug all over me. Now, I thought I had made my point and intentions and how I felt about the situation extremely clear. While we were outside Matt decided to turn to me and offer me to come back to his hotel room alone, making it a point to mention he was staying by himself. Immediately I said no and that I had an Airbnb that I would be going back to where I was staying with my friends. Once again, he starts to physically hang all over me and after everything, I am extremely uncomfortable. I saw one of my friends as he was hanging all over me and YELLED for them to help me. I had to yell for them right next to his ear and he still didn’t realize what was going on. I would like to thank this person again for pulling him off me and getting him away from me.
I tried to move on, but he was sitting and very publicly pouting over something to the point where I had someone ask me what was wrong with him. Once that happened, I was feeling extremely defeated. Not only had my former “friend” put me in an uncomfortable situation but now I was being asked what was wrong with HIM. I felt like dirt, this felt awful. I remember stating multiple times that it wasn’t my problem, the last thing I did regarding him that night was go up to the same friend who pulled him off me and say, “make sure he gets to where he belongs safely”.
I was really willing to let what happened at Collision go but not after SSC, enough is enough. All I did that night was assure you everything was okay even when you continued to make me uncomfortable and you STILL tried to tell me you had your own room, my friend STILL had to physically pull you off me. That saddest part is to every single person I have spoken to, you can ask any one of them, I have reiterated that I just think it is important you get help. I don’t think you’re a bad person, I think you have a bad habit that has gotten out of control. I was mortified when I started to talk about this incident privately and people started saying “I figured” when I told them it was you, do you have any idea how disgusting that made me feel? I thought I was safe around you; you had given me no reason to believe otherwise. You were somebody I trusted with extremely personal things in my life. I used to be reassured thinking that if something like this ever happened to me at an event you would be there to help me. I still have videos on my phone from Riptide 2021, from your top 8 run of me screaming my head off for you. As your friend I was so fucking proud of you always Matt and you knew that. Before I decided to write this, I tried to plan an intervention however I saw you getting opportunities that in my opinion someone who makes the choice to act like this does not deserve. There are many wonderful, good people in the community who are often overshadowed, and I would rather see the opportunities go to them. I would like to be publicly proud of my friends who deserve every opportunity they get, who are kind to everyone and who treat me like a real friend. Our friendship was extremely one sided and I am ashamed and embarrassed that it took me so long to realize that.
As it stands right now, I can say with one hundred percent certainty that I do not feel safe with Elegant at tournaments when he has been drinking. I would not trust him around my female friends when he has been drinking, and I would feel uncomfortable knowing that he was around people that may not know he is drunk while he is acting the way that he does. I do not think it is at all appropriate to expect busy people working an event to keep an eye on an adult who cannot control themself. I do believe everybody deserves a chance to work on themselves and make amends with the things they have done. However, I also believe that struggling with something is not an excuse for this type of behavior, and that if you really want to make a positive change you will do that even if it means doing it privately.
I am not calling for anything because I already feel like absolute dog shit having to talk about this publicly as it is. I wish I could properly express the embarrassment and shame I feel after these incidents, especially the first one which I was okay taking some of the blame for and saying “Oh, I should have been more careful of how much I drank”. I urge the tournament organizers who will read this please form your own opinions after reading this and make whatever call YOU want to make for YOUR tournaments. Do I think another incident like this will happen? I don’t know. Do I think removing a person who has the potential to lose control of themselves is in everyone’s best interest, at least temporarily until he can get this under control? Probably.