finale

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Hey there, how is everyone doing? hope everyone is 'having a nice day!

I've suffered all my life, beginning childhood till now. And it's time i part ways with the world, for i can no longer bear being stuck in this loop of depression,sadness & anger anymore. I can no longer be part of this 'experiment' from whoever designed this universe.

My life is filled with lots of traumas. I was raped as a child, Abusive parents fighting violently every fucking day in front of me, No good father figure or proper guidance from my mother my whole life, (only TSM_ImperialHal's streams but too late; i was already heavily damaged. thank you hal, you were the one who kept me going, even if it were just ur streams.) almost got kidnapped, fully controlling and demoraling childhood, shit teenage hood and my transition to adulthood also sucked. A fuck ton of traumas every iteration along the way that i am too tired to recollect and punch through, sigh. Everyone in my life used me in one way or other and threw me back to the ground. Even in college i am just a tool for everyone around me, nothing fucking more. Always the last pick, never invited, never helped outside academics. i feel the same way at home here. a lot of it is caused by my own difficulties, i wish i had a better developement, that could have reduced this pain by a lot.
I had to fucking pay to play with my 'friends' in childhood days. I Was even questioned why i was alive when i got bad scores by the people who u would think should be shaping me. Fuck i even wrote in my 2nd grade as a school diary entry homework that one day i would like to jump off the rooftop of my appartment and die. Guess what i got for that? scoldings from my teacher and beatings from my parents; Nothing changed after that, nada, same old same old. That should have been the red flag but guess it wasn't enough for anyone around me to notice.

I guess my mind suffered too much. Around 7th grade - the memories are slightly blurry bear with me - my mind sort of started creating personalities within me to talk to. i started talking to my atlers a lot. it wasnt PID i think, just me talking to myself pretending to be one of the alters. it started with 5 alters, each having their own personality traits, one was shy, other was bold, one was tech savy, other was lazy, etc. i manged to reduce it to 2, me and myself. still having difficulties getting the other half out of me. i keep refering to myself as 'we','our','us' a lot, and its very difficult not to talk to myself as a 3rd personality. i keep blaming my mistakes on this other half, halting me from progressing well. Just a glance to my fragile mental from the past few years. i m mush now.

There's a fuck ton of things which i can't mention as they are too dark, even darker than ones mentioned above. yes, worse than getting raped. Currently i have difficulties making friends, socialising, maintaining self control, having no self worth, being around in public, talking to people, heck i can't even talk to people online properly. Believe me i tried, it just doesn't work when ur development was affected by trauma. lots of anxiety and sudden panic attacks, there was a birthday party recently at the home i recide in rn, i kept freaking out at the sight of balloons anxious they might explode, anxious of the sound, so i kept closing my doors and instnatly popped all of them the day after. and a fuck ton of other problems. i am too tired now. i cant be bothered to recollect the thousands of them. its so tiring even recollecting traumas from my life. theres thousands of them of every kind imaginable, suicide, watching someone suicide, anything u say its probably happened.

I wanted to approach a psychiatrist but it's difficult due to personal reasons, i say personal even though i am dying lol, it's fucking everything thats stopping me from pursuing it. I maintained a journal for important events that i may encounter, since 2018, after reviewing it i can safely say my life will simply get worse. it was never good, it was never getting better.i stayed positvie all the way, but nothings changd. i learnt from my mistakes, became a much better human being, but it didnt help my mental state. fixing mistakes is one thing, having a postivie outcome out of it is another.

Pretty sure i can't recall any genuinely happy moments from my personal real life. only some from online. the successful kick to my youtube channel, the interaction i had with each and every one of you in the comments, the negative but importantly massive possitive feedbacks that i used to get, the analytics improving every month, my channel - is probably the happiest thing that has happened to me. i also met 2 good people online who made my past few months bareable & understood me. i wish i got more time to spend with them but time was not on my side. i am sorry sister, i had no choice, u know why i had no choice. ill love you, wish we got more time, wish we met a long time ago. i always wanted to get lucky to be invited to valorant events, i never did, probably because i wasnt social enough. i always wanted to meet new people, meet valorant content creators, exchange experiences, but i never eally could because i didnt know how to speak as a genuine friend. it always came out as a business conversation, not just with content creators but with people in general, sadly. it is what it is, i thank each and every one of you who tuned in to my latest videos supporting me, liking, commenting, u have no idea how helpful they were, really.
Edit - the person i met in july 2022 is the best thing to have ever happened to me. i wrote this letter around 2nd of july, i am tired now, this is the only edit i can do to this letter.

I also look up to some of these youtubers that made my fucking teenage hood from 2013 and adult hood from 2020 bareable - Sidemen, KSI, ImperialHal, Reps, Snipedown, DashieXP, Jessie and jeana, Marques Brownlee, red vs blue,Corridor Digital and the whole crew, Rocket Jump Freddie, Hidden Xperia, Spirit of the law, T90, TheViper, Lej, Internet Historian,Cal and freezy, papa godazed, Electroboom, 3kliksphilip, anomaly, and many many many more people.
my gun sync pen friends for my 2016-2018s Escapethe4z, TBG, SeLFlex, PGS, LPBros, Lewis's Tech, BlueLeafPon3, Stealth,chloe,jaloobles,kuda,SA, and the 100's of other people i met in that community, for there are so many that would fill this list, i have little time remaining rn to recollect u all.

well there are a lot many things that i suffer with in my every day life that i cant bear to write or think of anymroe. so ill leave it here. There isnt someone who i fully trust or can put my head on their shoulders, i dont.
edit - i do, its the person i met, unfortunately i have suffocated to the point where her love cant save me.

i am not just broken, i am a mush, a powder of glass, a rotting corpse that can;t be revived. if i survive this, which i am damn sure i wont, i will be the most bitter person in this universe. Jett plz dont rebibe me. for real this time. This is my only solution, people will say no there is always a way but in my case ur wrong, all the variables put me in this never ending tunnel where behind me is a wall that keeps pushing me and in front is an illusion of a bright light exit, which also moves. a never ending single path tunnel with spikes, blood, poison, etc. thats what i see my life as.
you wouldnt fucking know it unless u were me, since the fucking start. so dont u judge me thinking i could have been saved, u dont know the shit i saw and the shit i went through & the shit ive done. sorry for the aggression, because if there was a way, i would have pursued it by now. theres too many variables yall dont know about behind the scenes.

That's it folks, a glance at why i will no longer upload videos (obviously), why i cant respond to comments and interact with yall anymore, why ill miss upcoming news content that i usually stay awake a lot for, why my passion cant overcome my fragile mental health. The world has been going to shit as well unfortunately.
i know my death wont be remembered much sadly, thats just what i have logically arived at, for i am selflo, not a person but a news channel. no face but a voice, who loved to interact with the community and who genuinely cared about the community and not like other channels, who wanted to have a better life for the past 5+ years but couldnt. for the people who bothered to read all of it, please be kind to people, u never know what they are going through bts even if they seem perfectly fine and normal.

to the one person i met recently, i am sorry, i really had no choice. u still have time, u can break the loop once and for all. be strong sister, only u are in control of ur destiny. u made me feel like home for the first time in decades. u showed me love, family love, for the first time in decades. u saved me temporarily, both of us deserve a much better life. u still can do it, i believe you, hoping to see you succeed from whatever may or may not exist after the end. i fucking love you, till the end, always.

From a fellow less shitty human being -
SeLFlo AKA Sparkles100HD AKA c dheena (we don't talk about this)
Have a nice day <3 ! seeeeee yallllll in the next one :D peaceeee

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