I need help, and I don't know how to ask.
So, I've been gone a little while. I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible, but I might lose track of my mind and end up ranting. I'm sorry in advance.
It started in the end of May; my boyfriend, my love of my life, went to go teach a summer camp for kids for three months. I didn't want him to go, but I let him anyway, because he wanted to. I thought that was fair of me; it'd be selfish of me to hold him back. I knew we wouldn't have frequent communication, and I tried to drum myself up to be strong for the summer.
It only took 3 weeks for him to get bored of me and break up with me over text. This was the same day I got fired from a job I really loved.
During this time, I was mourning my father, who has been dead a couple of years, but his birthday (June 4th) always hurts. My mental health was in horrible decline.
Also during this time, the people I had grown to spend time with every day and felt very close to simply stopped inviting me to be around them. It was a fight to get people to talk to me, and now hardly anyone does- although, that's at this point my own fault; I never know what to say, and all I want to do anymore is cry.
Everything just piled on, and I couldn't eat or sleep, I was having a fluttering heart, and my ex partner had to come to my house every couple days to force me to rest (which is a whole other thing on its own).
Now, I've been depressed off and on for years. It isn't new, but it always hurts. Due to physical, sexual, and mental abuse, I tend to slip back into it if too many things in a row go wrong. I blame myself, and I blame myself hard. I always have.
But, my family has known this about me.
And this is the worst part of all of it-
My family is starting to gaslight me and nearly abuse me because I'm "too sad" and I need to "get over it". I've been screamed at, and had things thrown at me. Something that's never happened before. I don't even know how to process it.
So, I just drink. I don't know what else to do other than that. I'm sicker by the day, I'm becoming a skeleton, I'm constantly in physical pain. In a lot of ways, I'm waiting for it to be over.
I think this is my last chance to try to continue forward in my life. I have to leave. Somehow. I really need help. I think if I don't, I'm just going to let myself fade away.
I don't have the resources to get a doctor or a therapist, and I'm desperately trying to find somewhere else to move, but at this point, I don't even know if I can.
Anyway. That's where I've been. I want so badly to be better, but I have to leave where I am first, I think. I'm constantly afraid, and I've been holding in my tears for so long because I am scared I'll get scolded for them.
I just want somewhere to cry in peace.
I want to get back to being creative.
I just feel so empty.