✿ · @LuciaEverblack
16th May 2022 from TwitLonger
This might be it for now
I've been trying to figure out exactly what to say for the past few days now. I guess maybe the best way to do that is to tell the story of how I got to where I am and what it means for the future.
I started streaming in June of 2019. This was at a time before I had come out and was still very largely oblivious to the deeply hidden parts of me. In the beginning I was just your average gamer person "trying out streaming" as a little inside joke from a friend. At the time I think I was playing a lot of Overwatch, I really wasn't that interesting and honestly not even a blip on the radar at that point.
Later that summer I went on a work trip and spent a lot of time by myself which I think gave me a little bit of space to think more deeply about who I was.I had always had these little glimmers, sort of like shadow images of myself as someone else but due to how cishet society forces its roles on us, I had largely pushed them out of view. Somehow I stumbled across a few OW streamers who were trans and I think that helped serve as a huge catalyst for coming out myself. It also showed me just how important certain platforms are for marginalized people, and that would play a role in my own future.
I'd spend the next few months deeply thinking about and experimenting with who I was as a person. At the start of 2020 I was finally ready to come out and make the announcement that I was non-binary (at the time). I was fortunate to have a mostly supportive community around me and things were pretty good for a bit after that. I made a lot of friends over the course of the next few months and even started to find my own voice as an LGBTQUIA2+ activist. Most of my time would be spent in my community circles as well as in various BIPOC, disabled, and plural communities that I also had fellow activist friends in.
The time I spent learning in those communities would really help me to understand just how bad of a representation problem there is in the gaming and content creation space. Discoverability was non-existent, it was really hard to find people similar to you without relying on word of mouth or mega threads of other creators posting their links. Eventually I would receive a DM which would pave the way towards helping build Peer2Peer. If you aren't aware of the site, it was essentially identity tags for Twitch before Twitch decided to actually add them. Being able to help work on that site is still one of my greatest accomplishments as I was able to first hand witness the difference it made in the lives of marginalized creators. Even though Twitch would soon after add tags, I've always felt like the work we did on that site helped kick them in the ass and really get things going.
It wouldn't be much longer after that when the hate raids started happening. It felt like a non-stop barrage with no end in sight. Every single day I spent working with others to try and implement solutions and supporting whoever was live by modding for them and just trying to make things work. Eventually I'd go on to help organize A Day Off Twitch and I think it was probably around that time I started to really feel the burnout coming in.
Those were some truly scary times and I think they were a huge peek into where things were headed. It was very clear that the alt-right/fascists/etc were organizing in ways that they hadn't really in the past, at least not at the scale and precision we were seeing. On top of all that, when you are that visible and always on, it take a toll physically and mentally. Many days my brain would just shut down and I couldn't process anything.
You get it from all sides too, it's not just the hate you are fighting, its people who don't have the full context of what is going on and don't consider how much strain you are under. They see it as clout chasing etc et. There were plenty of missteps and looking back I can definitely say I'd do things differently now but hindsight is 20/20 and its easy to fall into the trap of over analyzing things especially when you aren't under the same pressure. All this took a toll on me and I still haven't had time to process it all. I know this is a normal part of activism, not everyone is going to agree with your methodology, it still weighs heavy on your sometimes because you want to do right by the people you are fighting with and fighting for.
There are days when I look back to all of the moments and wonder what the point even was especially when nothing has really changed. Hate raids still happen even if they aren't at the scale they used to be, discoverability and representation is worse off with all the failed month long event activations, the list just seems to go on and on. People on these platforms deserve so much better than they are getting and it just baffles me that we are still right where we started, only this time we are drained of what valuable energy we have left, if any.
These are just the major things that I've gone through during my time here, and in some ways they don't even stack up against the combined forces of the transmisogyny and hate I have encountered especially when coupled with my own dysphoria, struggles with depression/anxiety, and to be totally honest a low self esteem. I'm so undeserving of anything I have its almost laughable sometimes. I take up way too much space and its become painfully obvious in a lot of ways that I'm more a nuisance and less any sort of positive force especially lately. It's taken a lot of time to reflect on this, a lot of deep introspection. Maybe its not fair to myself to say this but its how I feel at the moment.
I had a lot of things planned for Pride this month, I had some amazing opportunities lined up for me but I just can't stomach this idea of going through with any of it especially not when some many other voices, especially those who are BIPOC, disabled, plural, and nuerodivergent continue to be left behind, left out of the conversation. Why should I be given anything especially when the only thing I have ever done is what people should be doing in the first place, speaking out against hatred and fascism, refusing to let it take root? There are so many people who actually have something meaningful and valuable to contribute, people who deserve to be lifted into the spotlight beyond the shadow of their pain and those who should be seen and heard, not me.
At this point and time I'm still not exactly sure what my actual plan is. There are days when I feel like logging out for good, only to be brought back by a few glimmers of hope. It's not like I don't have people who see the value in what I do, or that I don't have a support system its just that trying to exist in this space is so tied to numbers and metrics on top of all the other things outlined here that when what you do is so intrinsically tied to who you are its easy to spiral and not be able to see why you are spiraling.
It doesn't help that I'm too sensitive and even though I'm a very vocal person, conflict honestly terrifies me. I have such a hard time communicating how I feel and establishing boundaries and I just have so much work I need to do.Transitioning on top of all of this, having my emotions amplified and experiencing things I never did until I started taking estrogen probably doesn't help all of this either. No one really prepares you for that part and spending the entirety of my fruition as a queer person locked inside away from my physical community means that I have few in the physical world to turn to at a pivotal time in my life.
These thoughts swirl in my mind constantly and I needed to get them out otherwise I would be eaten alive by them. If you've reached this part of my story, I appreciate you taking the time to read it all. I know its a lot to take in, it was absolutely a lot to hold in.
Be kind to yourselves, and know that I see you all continuing to do some amazing things. I wish I could be there more, I wish I could be more, I wish I could just be but right now I can't.