Filip Tudev · @tudsoNN

24th Apr 2022 from TwitLonger

Diplopia and how it affects me.

Ehhh. I don’t really know how to start this as i never usually type about my problems. but for sure i will try to write my heart out. I am Writing this because my life bascially consists of playing CS:GO my whole life and how much it really means for me. When i was young i was diagnosed with a Eye condition called Diplopia. Diplopia is the medical term for double vision or seeing double. Back then it didn’t really affect me as much as it wasnt serious and i could only see double when i did it myself. When i started to get older, the double vision got worse and worse, whenever i was getting tired my left eye would start automatically wondering off to the left causing me to see double making me close my left eye so that i can see normally. I would have very bad migraines making me sometimes not attend to school etc, i stoped playing football as i would basically see 2 balls instead of one. and it really affected my mood. Back in 2020 I finally had surgery ( https://gyazo.com/14c25fa5aabe2771e9741c136469747c ) i had waited for this surgery for 2 years. I was so happy as my double vision disappeared, i moved to poland after that to continue to chase my dreams. Was starting to rise and started playing better and better. I had everything i could wish for. It lasted 1,5 years After that my worse nightmare came back. About 4/5 months ago it came back with more extreme double vision. I was devastated. I quickly tried to get in contact with the doctor who perfomed the surgery so that i can have another one. As i could’t go back to England. They said to write email. I did everything and got a response after 3 months. I started being moody, no energy at all, i started not to give a fuck if i wake up the next morning or not. I was that depressed. But i am a person who hides his emotions ( i can look happy even though it feels like im dying inside ) nevertheless what affect it has on my game. I really really need to keep my eyes on FOCUS at all times. And its really fucking hard. My eyes randomly wiggle away and whenever i zoom with awp my eyes start twitching and the vision goes double ( seeing 2 TT’s or CT’s even though its just 1 player. My reaction time was my best ability. And now it started to disappear. I am missing easiest shots of my life. I never tilted that much in this game i was always a guy who is hyping and being positive. I started to tilt at myself. Starting to change everything so that i can play better, i wanted to lie to myself that everything is ok but in reality i am on a downfall. the eyes are the most important aspect for this game (imo). The picture that im showing is what happens ( https://gyazo.com/2c8d77f3198100db2b31d79304fee2e4 ) Right now. I am trying to stay positive, we nearly qualified to the major. But i don’t know what to do. I feel like a very long break and surgery is very needed but i am really scared in every aspect. Anonymo is my first team that i really enjoyed playing with ( they are legit my brothers ) but life striked hard. I am indeed very sad as it does affect my gameplay and health at the same time. Thank you for reading. Love tudsoN and thank you for being there for me. I really felt every ones support.

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