I will not be doing Worlds 2021.
I will not be a part of the 2021 Worlds On-Air Team.
This wasn't a quick decision made between Summer Finals and now. It's been on my mind non-stop for over a month. Riot's plan was always to have casters in Berlin (if possible), so the event shifting from China to EU actually makes no difference.
Riot isn't keeping me out or blocking me - they wanted me on the show and I want to be a part of it. However, I've been pretty open these past few years about how poorly I've been doing overall. My physical and mental health are both a long way from where I'd like them to be. I still never get enough sleep, and I haven't been able to motivate myself back into the gym since everything first shut down last year. I lost all my momentum with my personal stream, and I love making content as a creative outlet. These things might seem like "well just do it then" problems, but for whatever reason, my brain doesn't work like that and I'm very much not who I want to be.
How does this relate to Worlds? Worlds is an all-encompassing event when you're working it and it lasts for over a month. It undoes all your routines, plans, and habits. The schedule usually flips everything upside down and it's hard to have much of a life outside of Worlds. These changes are harder for some people than others, and I've always been one of the people who don't adapt well. Even before everything shut down in 2020, international events were largely remote for on-air talent and it's always been tough on me.
Previously, I played around an imaginary version of myself that could deal with that. I'd tell myself, "It's ok, this month will be rough then you can go right back to normal." But I never got back to normal. I struggle a lot with the upside-down schedule and just feeling super exhausted all the time. That bleeds over even after the event concludes, and I end up in a downward spiral of an increasingly self-destructive mental state. With the current state of everything in the world, that only gets more extreme. I truly believe that if I do Worlds this year it will leave me in a really bad place in terms of being able to take care of myself and move forward with my own goals afterwards.
I apologize to everyone disappointed by this news. I always love hearing from international fans every year when I hype up their favorite teams and I hate not being able to be a part of that this time around. I hope y'all understand that I'm doing this because I really think it gives me the best chance for a positive future. I don't plan on completely disappearing for the rest of the year. I'll keep streaming and making my own content and being a part of other projects. In order to keep myself on a good schedule, I won't be watching any of Worlds live. My plan is to wake up at normal NA hours, ignore social media and game results, then stream back the previous day's games as a rebroadcast show for everyone who can't easily catch it live. This is a CaptainFlowers project, not a Riot project, so it won't be official or fancy or clean. Just me casting teamfights and talking about the game from my point of view.
All my love and support for everyone on the show this year. I hope we get some amazing games and a 5 game World Final. And to all the fans, thank you so much if you took the time to read all this. I'll see you all soon.