funny epic title part 1 of many?

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In my latest tweet I said I like writing and telling people about my life so here we are then frens. I love rambling and I absolutely suck at being cohesive so bear with me.

~~Thoughts from today~~

I played in a tournament today with some lads. Still after the first game that we won, I realized I feel like shit. I felt gutted that I feel this way while doing what I love; competing.

It's not because I don't like competing anymore, I just somehow understood how empty I felt and I've had no emotions about it for a while either way. I didn't want to be there playing anymore. It felt alien to me. It scares me and I hate it.

~~end

My overall life~~

I don't like saying that I'm depressed, I get out of bed just fine, some people can't even manage that. I find it funny while I'm living such a privileged life that I find myself unhappy a lot of the time with myself. I don't actually think I'm that depressed I just don't find enjoyment in the things I used to and it saddens me. Or maybe I am downplaying my problems, I don't really know that's what I'm trying to figure out.

Our own very existence frightens me. I don't want to die. I loathe the fact that our world is meaningless. I hate that all of our lives are meaningless outside of our own bubble. I feel like I'm working towards nothing, which while being true is also untrue. I'm trying to live my life to the fullest and enjoy it as long as I can. It's just sad. I know it's fucked up to say but sometimes I wish I never manifested this consciousness at all.

Anyway skewing away from those dark thoughts, I love life more than I don't. I like learning new things and wasting my time as I see fit, it gives me a feeling of actual freedom. I am free to do whatever I want. I love being alive.

I've come to the realisation that my social anxiety comes from a broken self image. It makes me a worse player not having the self confidence of a normal person. I am an unusually extroverted person. I used to think I'm an introvert but that definitely isn't true. I just won't let myself shine due to the self hate I experience every day due to my own perceived appearance.

If you're reading this and you're fat and feel ugly, at least try to start losing weight too. It's the single best thing you can do for yourself.

Anyway I'm tired now and my hands hurt so I'm gonna make a new twitlonger some other day I only wrote like 1/100th what I want to say. This is an opportunity to understand myself better too through writing to an audience since i'm too lazy to articulate thoughts for my own amusement only.

Thanks for reading!

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