Lulu🌈🎏 · @luulubuu

22nd Aug 2021 from TwitLonger

My apology

Hi, first of all I want you if you were hurt for my actions directly or indirectly, I apologize to you.

If you are reading this, you are probably aware that there have been threads narrating things I have said that are not good at all. I want to address these and then just apologize because I’m not here to prove any other party wrong. If they are affected and hurt then I have to apologize.

First of all there’s a screenshot in which I request money from a homeless person.

Basically what happened is that I lent money to a person who wanted a game and they were eager to offer me a deadline which I was ‘sure’

Deadline came and we never heard from this person again, so I got the reminder and I wondered if we knew anything from this person at all; we pooled $350 to find them a shelter and I think shortly after showing that they were in the streets we didn't hear from them again. Which led us to believe they might have used the money elsewhere since they mentioned getting drugs after.
The conversation in the screenshot happened in 2019, I had asked if we knew anything and I was happy to wait as long as needed, I apologized then and I apologize to you now.

Most of these issues with DocSquiddy and Cade_Onder are way before this and come from all from the same place; I was not doing very well in any way back then. I had literally zero going on in my life and money was a problem. So in the process of getting a job I hurt people that at that moment in life were my friends.

I’m not going to try to excuse myself because this happened to me and this allowed me to be a jerk, no. I’m just saying that it's what motivated that. I’m specially sorry to DocSquiddy for the words I used, he is a very talented creative and I was trying to be more like him but as you can see it didn’t pan out.

And of course my deepest apology to Cade_Onder who was a great friend to me and I had nothing but jealousy and anger. There’s literally nothing else to it, I was nothing but jealous of my peers doing better than me and nothing I can say will excuse that behaviour back then. I have nothing but praise for Cade who has, by his own, made a name in the industry and I really hope whatever they decide to do with this makes this whole ordeal better for him. I don’t deserve this to be better for me.

I only want to say the things I should have said back then and while this fixes absolutely nothing, be sure I have reached to people affected about this to apologize and if I can do things right.

I just shared a series of screenshots in which I didn pay for a rough draft and sadly I have no answer for that. If the artist can reach out and tell me I will gladly pay what I owe them. I have no intention to run from that and it was probably me being block trigger happy which is something I’m working on and I’m not very happy about it.

And now for a heavier issue;
I don’t think I’m in a healthy mindset right now. And I have been wondering for a while if I’m legitimate in a place where it is even possible to be working in social spaces. This has brought to me something that I don’t.

I have been dealing with undiagnosed stuff for a long time and it even affected me when things were okay. And I think whatever it is needs attention and it needs it now. I don’t want to excuse what I’ve done through mental illness, I’ve just noticed that this is something that’s happened over and over.

I don’t think I will be here for much longer and for the last 24 hours I had someone to take care of me, and I have been medicated and sleeping most of the day. I had a meltdown today which led me and my family to know whatever it is, it’s affecting me and it’s time to fix it.

I’m literally scared of being seduced by the idea of not being here, in general anymore.
And to everyone who has heard that, told me that it’s time, for reals, to fix things.

By far, the most damning thing of everything that happened these days is not have lost opportunities, or have lost jobs, it has been having friends being disappointed and angry

I will forever miss most of you.

In my last words I want to say that if you or your peers were affected by this, like getting a dm or alerted about this, I’m truly sorry the last thing I want is to any of you get splashed by shit I have done. I had the fortune to circle myself with the most brilliant and most understanding of folks and it’s very shameful for me and to everyone involved in this, that this happened at all.

You don’t have by any means respect this or say ‘ah this makes it better’ it really doesn’t this is just my compromise to fix what I have done wrong and leave the place a better place that I found out.

I will take a long break here that could easily go on forever. I will get the help I need, I hope.
And if things work out and we can cherish good moments again, that would be great.

And one last thing;

I think there has been a problem with my approach to twitter in general; I had nothing in life. Literal nothing. No friends, a bad job. Nothing brought me joy, but then I don’t know, I felt like suddenly I had this that brought me joy, that I could be good at.

So I obsessed over it, often not working on things that I should work on. I would ask for help and get obsessed over it once again. This is literally poison that has been in my head and until I’m recovered I feel it's better for me to leave as I said previously.

Hope that my posts until today, gave you at the very least, something to be happy about, even if it was fleeting.

Life is an amount of things,
Some good things some not so good
But they transform you into who you are today. Maybe a different, better person.
The lingering past when you have acted in a way or another, shouldn’t affect your today or yourself

If in any given moment I committed a problem to you for me being stupid, I deeply apologize.
I will keep growing, that’s the only things about becoming a better person.

Thank you and once again, sorry if I hurt you or any of your loved ones. It was never my intention.

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