✿ · @LuciaEverblack
29th Jun 2021 from TwitLonger
In my head and where I've been the past few weeks...
It's been a really weird pride for me, especially so since I think I've streamed the least I have in a while. The truth is I'm really in my head right now about a lot of things and while I'm generally happy I'm also weighed down by a lot.
For the past year I have worked so hard to push for the tags that are now implemented on Twitch as well as working on Peer2Peer.Live. I've also spend the majority of my time streaming advocating for others, raising money for causes, and doing whatever I can to help make the world a slightly better place.
Through all of that I neglected to look after myself, to make sure that my needs were being met, and to do the things that I needed to do so that I wouldn't end up burning out. I can most certainly said that I tragically failed in those regards.
The worst part about it all is that in many ways I started to question if all of that time spent was in vain, was it even worth it? It's really hard to not feel like that "loud angry woman" and even more so now that in some ways I have less to be angry and loud about now that tags are on Twitch (which I know sounds silly). But you have to realize the effort that was put into Peer2Peer and how much it means to me as a project. It almost feels like getting sandbagged and having my heart stuffed deep within the pit of my stomach.
The purpose of life is a life with a purpose and here I was without really any purpose anymore. In essence I choked. Lately I haven't really had a clue who I am anymore. Starting HRT was a huge wakeup call to me because I realized that there are still so many fragmented pieces of my life where the rifts only continue to grow. I'm not out to my closest family and I don't even think a lot of my real life friends understand exactly how to approach me anymore.
Lately I've also felt so distant from much of LGBTQUIA2+ Twitch for whatever reason. Maybe its just in my head, and maybe its an unhealthy POV but seeing others succeed sometimes makes me feel left out. Like what am I doing wrong? Should I not have been as loud as I was? Did that hurt any potential chances I had, is everything in streaming really about the optics and not about doing anything meaningful? IDK it just hurts to push so hard for so long and to see so little in return. Like, I don't expect anything in return, activism in and of itself should never be about getting anything in return,
I'm in such a difficult spot and I am torn between two existences. One half is fighting for liberation and pushing for mutual aid, and the other part wants to finally be someone and to do this at a larger scale, to go all in on this and see how far I can take it. Maybe its me wanting to have my cake and eat it too. Its so difficult to contextualize what I even want to do and maybe that's the problem. How can I help others if I'm not helping myself, but why does it feel so wrong to do anything for me? Can one truly find balance between the needs of many and the needs of oneself?
This is all on top of my own battles with dysphoria and trying to mold myself into the person I want to be both internally and externally. Transitioning has been so rewarding but it has also bee one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do because it has required countless hours of introspection to understand what my needs are.
The truth is that I struggle to find a routine that works with my body's own schedule. I haven't had a chance to start laser hair removal and a huge part of my inability to keep a good routing is how exhausted I am from having to balance shaving with how fast my body hair grows. It makes me feel like I can't present myself how I need to and sometimes its hard to justify all the trouble and pain it causes me and its easier to just do nothing.
As you can imagine, feeling attacked from all sides can be incredibly difficult and I am so thankful for the love, support, and patience you have all shown me as I continue to work through all of this. My hope is that July and August can serve as experimental months where I can find a good rhythm that is healthy and sustainable. One where I can grow and take this thing to the next level.
I guess with this post, it's a way for me to get everything out in the open, to talk about it. To give it visibility so that people can see that its okay when things aren't always going as planned. That we are struggling together and we never know the extend to which someone might be dealing with pain. Thanks for listening.... <3