Silent · @SiIentro
18th Jun 2021 from TwitLonger
an explanation
For starters, yes I am aware I am a shitty and manipulative person, hopefully this situation can allow me to become a functional human being.
This whole entire situation boils down to me being awful at the video game. Through my life, I have always looked at myself as a winner, or at least as someone that can be good/decent at whatever I put my mind to. Valorant along with other things that I am probably blind to, I am not at all good at. I never saw myself as being good at the game, but for some reason thought that I could get better with time, obviously also not the case. This summer, I wanted to give the game one more shot and wanted to build a team to grind with. Realizing I was bad at the game, I wanted the team to start with the fundamentals of the game. With that, I went to v1c, who was currently playing cs at the time and I knew was a god at the game and had the potential to be one of the best. Initially, he didnt want to switch at the moment. One thing I have never been good with is patience, so I began with telling him we could get signed. It was only supposed to be a push, something that would be forgotten in due time. Still, making that up was not the right thing to do obviously. The opportunity of an org piqued his interest, but was not enough. So, I upped the ante. I told him it was FaZe, and inspect elemented dms with the GM to make it look believable. Initially I only put in it that Faze was looking at an academy team and mentioned nothing of the likes that we would get signed. That was enough to get him on board.
At the same time, a (friend) of mine, nerve, disbanded with FYB. Throughout my time playing with him, I have seen how good he is and how much potential he had. I showed him the same dms, but they werent enough to get him on board with playing me given that he knew how terrible I was at the game, I faked more dms to make it seem that faze wanted to sign us. Never once in the beginning did I take a moment to think about how my actions would affect others in the future. At the time, in my eyes, I could build a great roster and they could make me a great player and we could get signed to a great org, as my plan was to say that Faze was no longer interested once we hit a point where disbanding would do more harm than sticking together.
As time progressed, my constructed web of lies built larger and larger, and then after losing a tournament by fault of me, I realized how big I had fucked up. I had 5 people chasing an opportunity that was a complete farce, and the best part is, I was pulling them all down, presenting them all from getting better, and wasting all of their time.
With rumors circulating that we were going to get signed, I jumped on that opportunity to finally call it quits, to stop wasting everybodys time, and allow them to all reach their potential. The conclusion to my great act of lies was going to be that faze heard that we knew about the contract, and for that reason, they wanted to lay low, and with that I would step away. However, that did not happen. Looking now, I am more happy than sad the situation came out, as I hope it incentives everyone on the team to stick together, so that all of the time they spent dealing with my bullshit was not a complete waste and perhaps it can lead them to getting signed or doing something big in this game.
Bottom line is, this whole situation was created because I am a selfish person, who looks out for himself before anyone else. I hope to be able to grow from this, and am not posting this in anyway for sympathy or to ask for forgiveness: I DO NOT DESERVE IT. All of the comments about me I deserve 100%.
Finally, to address the racist comments. I have no true good explanation for why I act like I act. For whatever reason, I use that hateful word to garner laughs so I can feel good about myself and think that I matter. A reoccurring theme, I say it without thinking about the words past or anything else besides the fact that it may allow me to be perceived as a funny individual who people will like.
I realize that all of the lying I have done has destroyed my credibility as a person, I wish that wasn't the case, but I think this is important to help me learn.
To the team: I realize there is nothing to be said to change your outlook on this at all. I deserve your hatred, I DO NOT deserve to be forgiven. I want nothing more than you guys to stick together and find a fifth that isnt an anchor so your last month of having to put up with me was not a complete waste of utter time.