My retirement from competitive Rainbow 6 Siege and my good bye to the community.
As you may have seen in the original tweet, I decided to take a step back from competitive Rainbow 6. In this TL, I am going to explain why and talk in depths about my mental health since my bench from NaVi and what lead me to this decision. There’s two part, a 1st one very detailed of the past year and my mental health, which can be useful or interesting to anyone trying to understand a pro player’s psychology. Aspiring pros, support staff, maybe other pros who goes through different thoughts in bad times… You can skip to part 2 if you’re not interested to understand why I am retiring. TLDR: I am sick of the constant stress coming from the instability of the job in the present, but also for the future and I am looking to get back to a “normal” life, as it’s passing by and I am missing too much of it.
1. The first time I thought about retiring, it was with BDS after I have been kicked right after our Six Invitational qualification. You know the story, but the mood in the team and the way it happened disgusted me from playing and I wanted to go back to a normal life. I still wanted to take the chance with a Pro league team if anyone wanted me, specially looking for NaVi or Vitality since there were friends there and obviously G2 as well for their performances. When NaVi contacted me, I obviously decided to go for it. We had a lot of fun time, a great come back in the rankings in 2nd half PL S11 when I was properly leading a team for the first time. But when EUL started, I had the worst performance of my career, I could not find a way back in the top and eventually cost the top 4 to the team. After NaVi’s bench, the core roster Leonski, Avaiche and deapek contacted me to replace Blas who was retiring at the time. Since they were friends with which I had a good feeling back when I trialed with trust before BDS, I thought it would be a good experience and they did not care about my performances, but more about my experience and the adaptations, ideas I could bring during games. I took the decision it would be my last team and that I would go back to studies to get a bachelor’s degree starting in September 2021, so I could open myself to more opportunities and a “normal” life again. At this time, I had still confidence issue from NaVi’s time. I am normally someone really positive, always open to critics, as I believe those are important to improve, even if they are delivered in a bad manner. You can talk about the manner later on when the situation is less stressful for the people involved. But at the beginning of the adventure, I would feel sometimes targeted by critics, since I was open to them it was easier to just give me them whenever there was something to say. Which led me to felt bad, like constantly watched (as I was on a twitch chat opened to critics). I reacted sometimes badly to Phenomene (Our coach) when he was trying to help me, which is definitely not representative of my personality. They witnessed a bit the worst of me personality wise. But once CL started, with some talks with our mental coach etc., I managed to take a step back from this bad behavior and act normally again. I eventually even smashed my opponents and had great individual performances in the playoffs. With that and the BNL Cup, I am happy to at least finish on a good showing, at least individually. Qualifying for the EU relegations would have been better of course, especially since we had crazy improvements after the playoffs. I was playing good in scrims and was overall happy about things, as I had time to rest and Christmas to enjoy with my friends and beloved ones. After that, seeing our next official matches in such a long time (We were in January and BNL would start on April 7th), the one chance to qualify to EUL being at the end of the year, it was hard with such long-time objectives to find motivation to work hard. My performances in scrims were very low. Especially during transfer windows, where our players were off for a month to trial for other teams and we had to trial other players, without know for sure which roles we needed to fulfil. We were also hopeful to grab Tempra’s spot, even though I did not believe too much about getting it, since their old players deserved it more. I think the team started to notice my lack of motivation and when, finally, we knew we were keeping Astro and Deapek, the team thought about replacing me with someone else. They eventually agreed on it when we got the EUL spot denied. When it was announced to me by Sternab alone, I already knew what would happen and I knew I was going to retire. As I said, I already registered to studies and planned on helping qualify GAMMA to the EUL 2022 before retiring. Maybe I would have played a stage if we qualified, maybe not. I thought I could still bring something to the team, but if they think it’s best to change now, so they have time to incorporate a new talent, that’s totally understandable and I wish them sincerely to achieve their goals. I am happy to end my story with those guys, on a last official good individual performance and in such a good atmosphere. I had the most fun here, so thank you Astro, Avaiche, Deapek, Leonski, Phenomene french bro (I apologize for some shit I gave you, you were truly supportive) Sternab (I don’t apologize for anything, you deserved every shit the team and myself would give you. But more seriously, you have the heart where it needs to be, just a bit clumsy I would say sometimes when dealing with the human part, like ie my announcement) and blas the best meme cheerleader.
2. As I have said in part one, I decided already after NaVi’s bench that GAMMA would be my last team and I registered to study a bachelor’s degree in marketing back in Switzerland, in the hope of opening myself to more opportunities and get back to a more normal life. BDS management also was aware of that idea when I got kicked, but I delayed it since I had the chance to play with NaVi. After failing our qualification to the EUL relegations, motivation was hard to find and I felt like I was obligated to play Rainbow 6, I felt like it was a burden to go to scrims. I was sick of the permanent stress of performances, of being judge by viewers, staff, players etc. Also, not being sure if I did enough to get a backup plan for after my pro career and be afraid of the future, to not know if I could ever live peacefully with a stable job to raise a family in good conditions. With the schedule I had for years, I missed opportunities to go to some parties with friends or enjoy my evenings with my girlfriend. I could not plan any trips with my friends, because I would never know if I would need to prepare for a tournament we would qualify for or prepare in the best way possible for a league (It has been improved recently with EUL I have to say). Finally, some pros or aspiring ones talking shit in your back, some pretending to be your friends. Some trying to jeopardize your career in your back,discredit you in the back of the scene and act like they are professional in public., which lead me to be paranoid about who my friends were. Not mentioning the extra stress my diabete gave to my mental and body when I got diagnosed back at the SI 2018. I am saying all those negatives stuff but understand it’s a balance with the positive ones (which are probably going to be the best things/moments of my life. It’s very extreme) and they are gaining weight with me growing older. For the few bad person, I met in my career, I met 10x more good people that taught me so much in life and help me grow as a person. Some became IRL friends, and I had one of my birthday party with them. Afterparties were the best part to gather with people with the same passion and celebrate it in the best way possible. To mention some of them, thank you my awesome coaches, Cedric, Phenomene, Jahk, Draz, Fisker, Bagel, Jess, Lyloun, Kivvi. You may not know, but you all helped grow as a player and a person. Your lessons will always stay with me and be definitely be useful in my next jobs and life issues. Of course, thank you players I teamed with. Thank you esport orgs I represented during my career, thank you casters who got to cast my plays and help me remember in the best way possible the best moments of my career. I’ll miss your interviews Milosh. Thank you, fans who supported me, some even in the worst moments, the others I don’t hold any grudge of course against you. You made me feel as a special person all those years. Thanks to you I lived my esport career with more emotions and I will miss meeting you guys. Thank you, the R6 people at Ubisoft, for your work. You created something that changed my life forever. Your job is often criticized, but I had the chance to speak with a few of you and I always noticed the passion you had for your work. No one can take that from you. Finally, I have met a special girl during my career, who never stopped believing in me. That’s the best outcome of my career and I am lucky to have met you. Thank you Sarafy.
I will keep streaming, hopefully make some content with the years of clips I gathered and share my experience. Maybe you’ll see me do some coaching or analysis during my studies, as coaching is something exciting to me, but I don’t aspire to make it a career. I don’t have any exact plans for now, but I am going back to enjoy life a bit and that’s the best thing. Once COVID is gone, I’ll be able to enjoy life entirely.
Rainbow 6 and his community, I will always have love for you.
Panix, now back to Dimitri de Longeaux.