breeedo_

Breeedo · @breeedo_

2nd Mar 2021 from TwitLonger

Why I cut off SF.


I’m finally coming out with this statement because I’ve been silent for way too long, and I’m tired of this anger and sadness getting in the way of everything I do. Everything. This is a major reason of why I’ve been so fucked up with my PTSD and depression in the last few weeks, that along with the fuckery that was Black History Month - I keep being used for validation and things that I can’t say fucking no to. I’m going to try and explain this without blaming myself or resulting in talking down on what I’ve been through.

Back in 2020 around the peak of the pandemic, I found a creator by the name of Swordsfall and I was looking through his content - INSTANT admiration from me. I loved all of it, his world, his creations, Tikor. Everything was a black gamer’s dream come true. I had a little bit of a “notice me senpai” kind of moment, and I was tweeting at him and staying engaged with his projects. Eventually, he followed me back and the friendship was instant. I hyped his shit so fucking much, his merch, the world, him as a person. I valued him so much for what he had done for a community that needed something like Tikor, what the black community needed as well.

Well, we became close when I GMed for his game Summit of Kings and I was on top of the world because I was GMing an ALL black game with ALL black players. Bruh, I was fuckin’ hype and I was so grateful for Brandon and what he had done for me thus far.

However, that’s when things started to get toxic. We had an ongoing conversation in Discord, a personal DM with each other, and it was where we talked as humans rather than creator to creator. Well it was also where some really confusing and manipulative things happened that I still am trying to piece together in my brain. I’ll list them out since it’s better that way. CW: Manipulation, gaslighting, mention of sex, “h*rniness” is also mentioned - if any of this is triggering for you, you can absolutely skip ahead:

1) I am a very sexual person, and people who I have allowed on my alt account know that I am - however, I am aware that some of that sexuality is rooted in trauma. It causes me to sometimes use sexuality to cope with the fact that I am being used or treated poorly. There were comments towards me here and there, and at the time I thought they were harmless. When I would posted lewd pictures of myself, there was always a GIF or comment to show how “thirsty” he was when he knowingly has a wife. Even in DMs, he would always make it a point to talk about how horny he is in general, to the point of saying that people get pissy when a “cis man gets horny on main.”
a) To subpoint this shit, no, Brandon. It’s not that. It’s just that men, like him, can’t handle themselves around femme nonbinary people. He has been proven countless times to fetishize us and he let it seep through a few times with me. He even told me that he and his wife are polyamourous, which I will not knock if that’s true, but why bring that up when someone calls him out on his behavior? Polyamory doesn’t mean you're allowed to give non-consensual sexual comments towards someone. Period.

2) He constantly hated on prominent black women in the TTRPG space, and tried to actively get me to feel sorry for him (which I did) and pit me against them (which he did for an amount of time). I openly admit that I fell for it because I wanted to help him, and I feel really foolish about it. I said things about people that I didn’t know, and I had gotten skewed views about them which I wholeheartedly own up to. The last thing the black community needs is people turning our own against the other, unless it’s absolute fuckshit. Anyone who wasn’t with his product 100% wasn’t with him, and he would post about them to his followers to get masses in his corner. It was a constant cycle of feeding things into my ear about people that I had openly stated that I looked up to. It was always stories about him being bullied out of the space or left out. It was strange and hypocritical because he would talk about supporting black women all the time, but was quick to talk down on them at the same time when they spoke up against him. Maybe check yourself and see why people are saying these things about you?

3) The anger that he had surrounding Drift of Dreams was taken out on me at one point. I had told him countless times that I would want to help push the book, and I felt really heartbroken for him when he would tell me about the lack of attention it got at first. I didn’t know the details of the Kickstarter or anything like that, and I only knew that it was able to be bought from his store and on Amazon. I went to him one day and asked how I could help him in which he responded with something along the lines of, “Get my book to sell. That’s how you can help.” Every idea I gave after that was shot down with short and curt answers, and I ended the conversation telling him I would figure something out. I wrote the Kansas City Star, Buzzfeed, and a few more creator publishers about Drift of Dreams - something he didn’t know I did for him, but I never heard anything back from them. Everyday after that was the conversation about how DoD wasn’t selling and how much of a failure he felt like. Of course, I validated him. Every time he felt like a shitty creator, I validated him. Even when he shat on me for asking how I could support him, I validated him and went out of my way to reach out to publishers. I did that because I wanted him to succeed only for him to be rude and crass towards me.

On top of all of this that happened in private conversations, I had found out a lot more about his actions from others that drove me to confront him about it all. He tried to shoot me down by saying that he was “tired and didn’t feel like listening,” but I made him listen. It hurt me that I had been supporting a person that was secretly not who I thought he was. Not giving the backers of Drift of Dreams their books first, fetishizing femme nonbinary people including myself, using me for constant validation because nobody else would give it to you - it goes on. And for him to come back and say that nobody ever cared about him that has left is some prime gaslighting.

I cared so much about that man. I cared so much about Swordsfall. I cared so much about seeing myself in a goddamn game. Fuck him for saying that people like me were just in it for the clout. I have panic attacks every time I see his name on my timeline because so many mutuals still follow and retweet his stuff. I can’t keep going on with this pit in my chest of knowing that others might be going through the same thing and I haven’t spoken up about it. And then he pulls the sympathy card of “what did I do” to pull some gaslighting antics on those he’s wronged, not to mention blaming his actions on his being autistic— which is problematic. He blamed his inappropriate actions and engagements specifically on that, which puts neurodivergent people directly in the crossfire.

The way he weaponizes his blackness is exactly why people view us the way they do. People like him ruin the image for the rest of us black creators who are working tirelessly AND maintaining integrity. We’re a monolith to other people, so when one prominent black man says that the world is against him because he’s black when he is forced to face his mistakes, we all get dragged down. It’s not because you’re black, it’s because you are a troubled human being with a lot of hurt that you take out on everyone else in the worst ways possible. Don’t equate blackness to toxicity.

I’m hurt and always will be over this. I’m so tired of men using me for things that they aren’t getting anywhere else about the pathetic things in their lives. I probably looked so stupid blindly and unknowingly supporting him for so long, which is something that I will forever sit with.

To the other people that have been affected by his actions, I am so sorry if in any way, shape, or form I perpetuated the hurt that you feel. I am so so sorry. I’m sorry that a man has put you in such a state of fear that you cannot speak up against him, I’m sorry if he’s tainted your view on creation like he has with me, and I’m sorry for any trauma that was brought upon you by him. I send all of the love and healing that I can to each and every one of you.

Quite frankly, I don’t care what speaking up about this does to me. It could ruin my career for all I give a fuck, but I at least showed others that they’re not alone because they aren’t. You aren’t.

Thank you all for listening.

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