Retiring from Smash
This will come as a surprise to some and not so much to others but i feel it is important to share that I'm officially retiring from competing and making smash content.
To be honest with you all i haven't really had my heart in smash in close to 3 years. I'm not sure what exactly changed, if anything, but at some point in 2018 I just really started to not "feel" smash at all. My anxiety and panic disorder did get worse around this time, but really I think I was just starting to lose the love and passion I had for the game. I slowly stopped streaming and stopped practicing, and for two years i was pretty much only playing smash at tournaments.
Tournaments have always been really fun to attend. They're a great way for me to see friends and just get social interaction when i otherwise keep to myself, but i generally have felt extremely empty when it's come to competition over the past few years. I've tried to force it, and there are times when i am genuinely enjoying it, but the upkeep and time commitment required to be the best just doesn't appeal to me anymore. I did great - I put effort in and was successful - but i just really feel it's time for me to move on. Competing over the past few years has just left me feeling empty. I feel unaccomplished and unmotivated to put in the effort, and as a result smash just feels like this constant storm cloud looming over me. Instead of being something fun and enjoyable it just feels like constant dread and anxiety.
I stayed around for these last 3 years for quite a few reasons, comfort and stability are probably the most important of those. Being able to live off of an esports salary while traveling and enjoying myself has been an unbelievable experience, but even when my heart wasn't in it i continued down this path because of stability and decided to force myself into it as long as possible. I could, still, continue to find another team and ride it out some more but i've realized that would be disingenuous not only to whatever team i pick, but to myself. I can't continue to force myself to do things that leave me feeling empty just because of stability. Breaking out of my comfort zone is the only way I feel I can progress.
There are so many different things i value and so many things I want to accomplish but choosing the path of comfort will continue to leave my unfulfilled. Most of my time in the past couple of years has been spent doing other things I'm deeply interested in and those things have led to a lot of fulfillment and joy, so i think it's obvious that i should spend more time doing those even if the road is a lot more difficult.
So this is goodbye for now. My plan for the time being is to just continue working on myself and things that make me happy. Going to focus on Poker and Music for a while and see what comes from those. My future being so uncertain is scary and intimidating but i'm confident that i'll be alright in whatever choice i make.